The Perfect Kitten

Dear Sammy,

I don’t need any advice, I’m just writing to let you know how your advice worked out great. If you remember, I wrote to you last July about problems I was having with my kids, who would not leave home. As soon as they didn’t need me for their meals, they refused to listen to me. Your first suggestion was to forget them and have more children. That would have worked, except that after spending a couple days at a “spa” I no longer have any interest in boy cats.

I did take your second suggestion, however, and it is working out great. While making my usual rounds of the house, I discovered “Blackie” in the bottom of a box filled with balls and other stuff. This little black kitten looked like he needed a mother, and since I adopted him, I’ve found my purpose in life. He never complains about anything. In fact, he never says a miew. He loves to play with me, and never runs away. I always know where to find him. Best of all, unlike my other kittens, he’s not always crying for food. That got old quick.

Now, my maternal instincts are satisfied, and when I don’t want to be a mother, I just stuff him under the sofa and let him sleep.

Thanks for the advice! You’re a genius.

(No Longer) Stymied in Susanville


Dear (No Longer) Stymied,

It does my heart good to know I have been able to help you. It’s always nice to have my genius confirmed by an unbiased source. I live to help others. I just wish my brothers would realize how lucky they are to have such a wise sibling. Maybe they would spend more time taking my advice and less time sleeping in my bed.

But I shouldn’t ramble on about my problems. I am happy to know you have found your purpose. I wish you an Blackie all the best.

Sammy

Strange Behavior

Dear Sammy,

I just moved in with a new family this Spring. Don’t get me wrong. After the shelter, I am very happy to have a permanent home, and my people are really great. Lately, though, I’m worried about them. Usually, they’re pretty predictable. They get up in the morning, feed me, go off and leave me to my after breakfast nap, come home, feed me, and then we play and watch TV until it’s time for bed. In the last couple weeks, however, I think they’ve caught some sort of virus. They started rearranging the entire house, and putting up strange symbols and artifacts, The house is now filled with pumpkins, fake people that howl, black cats that aren’t real (as if they need any more than just me). Weirdest of all, usually they spend time knocking down cobwebs. Now, they’re actually putting them all over the house!

Sometimes, they’ll have two or three people visit, but last night, there must have been fifty people in the house, all in very strange outfits.. I was shut up in the bedroom all night “for my own protection” but I could hear them laughing and doing who knows what else for hours. They didn’t come to bed until morning, and now, it’s way past my breakfast time and they’re still in bed! What can be happening to my people? Have they been possessed by evil spirits? What can I do to help them? I really like it here, and don’t want to have to find a new home.

Worried in Watsonville

Dear Worried,

You can stop worrying. Just like we cats are affected by the phases of the moon, people are affected by the changing of the seasons. The Winter season seems to influence the biggest changes in their behavior. For some, the reaction is not as strong, and they don’t start showing symptoms until around December, others start to show signs in mid-November. Your people appear to be highly susceptible to holidayitis. The symptoms are excessive decorating, spontaneous singing, and obsessive socializing. Some of the more severe cases include dressing in strange costumes, and taking on alternative personalities.

While there is no known cure, the good news is the disease is relatively harmless, and once the year ends, all symptoms quickly disappear. I’ve found it’s not all bad, my people like yours are particularly sensitive to the this disease. They start the insanity even before October, and have been known to keep a tree inside the house until well into January. However, I do get extra treats during this time. Granted, they’re usually in strange shapes; pumpkins, stars, trees, etc, but they are treats. The best thing you can do for you people is to be patient with them, and be supportive of them while they work through it, and get used to it. It all starts again next Winter.

Sammy

Call of the Wild

Dear Sammy,

My people are good hearted, but they don’t realize they are keeping a wild animal hostage. Inside my domestic interior, beats the heart of a wild panther. Day after day, I sit on my velvet cushion on the window seat and gaze at the great wide freedom of the driveway and the birds in the almond tree I should be stalking. Yes, I should be dining on the doves and seagulls that tease me by flying past the window. And, an appetizer of the little yappy dog would not be out of the question. Instead, I am trapped inside, forced to subsist on meager rations of Fancy Feast and kibbles day in and day out.

I admit, I once had a chance at freedom, and I squandered it. One day, I noticed the back door hadn’t completely latched. I nudged the door, and sure enough it opened. I was free! I tried to get my silly sister to join me in my dash for freedom, but princess that she is, she didn’t want to abandoned her plush bed, never ending food supply, daily brushing and willing laps. Wimp! Leaving her behind, I made my move. It was glorious, the feel of real dirt beneath my feet as I nibbled on the leaves in the garden. The smell of fresh barbeques in the air. Drinking fresh water from the pool instead of processed water from a cat fountain. This was the life! For two whole glorious days I tasted the freedom of being completely wild. Ok, maybe it wasn’t all glorious. Catching birds is a lot harder than it looks. It’s not fair they have wings. I did manage to stalk some cat food in a bowl at the neighbor’s house, but another wild cat chased me off before I could eat much. It seems there is no camaraderie among wild cats. The grass may look soft, but it doesn’t make a very comfortable bed, especially when the dumb dogs want to chase you every five minutes. Then, it started to rain. Cats were just not made for water. It makes us crazy. I found a nook under a house to hang out in, but I was so cold and miserable, when I heard my people calling, I had to answer.

So now I’m caged again. But, really, I’m ready to be wild. I’m older and wiser. I won’t be taken by surprise by the rain. My person has a cute little rain hat, I’ll take that the next time I get the chance to be wild. I’ll take a bag of kitty treats so I can make friends with the other wild cats. I’ll take my bed, too so I’ll can make a nice den.

My question for you is, how do I convince my people I’m really a wild panther and should not be caged?

Stranded in Scotts Valley

Dear Stranded,

Wild panther? Wake up and smell the kitty treats! You’ve been watching too much Animal Planet. I hate to break it to you, but you are a DOMESTIC cat. While we all, yes even me, have an urge to be wild, it is our fate to be pampered, spoiled and adored within the walls of our homes. When you think about it, that’s not a bad thing. Is it such a hardship to never have to worry about your next meal, or not to have to sleep with one eye open for predators? Sure, it looks exciting out there, but your taste of freedom wasn’t that much fun. Remember?

What you have is a bad case of “The wheat grass is always greener on the other side of the window.” You may be surprised to know that those cats you see roaming the streets really desire a nice cozy cushion on the windowsill. Granted, dining on wild bird may sound exciting, but trust me, getting feathers out of your teeth is no picnic, and the taste is quite gamey. Give me a nice can of super supper anytime.

My advice to you is enjoy the good things you have and be thankful every time you curl up in your nice bed or lap. When you do feel the call of the wild, try this, ankles are a fine thing to stalk, and you get a rewarding howl when you catch one. Another thing to consider is that the escape is 90% of the fun. I often run out the door just so I can make my people chase me. It’s amusing to stay just out of reach and then saunter back inside when they give up.

Happy hunting.

Sammy

2nd-Life Crisis

Dear Sammy,

For most of my life, I’ve been happy just to sleep, eat, destroy and sleep again. I thought this happy life would go on forever. But the other day I woke up and realized I’m SEVEN! My whole first life has passed me by, and what have I accomplished? Oh sure, I’ve had ten children, but who hasn’t? I’m not a famous cat food spokes kitty. I haven’t amassed a great fortune. I don’t help other cats, like you do. I thought about getting in shape, and even climbed up the scratching tower a couple times, but truthfully, it makes a better napping post. My buddy, who is an outdoor cat has been on some great adventures. Once, he even rode on top of a car all the way around the block before he was discovered. The only car ride I ever take is in a carrier to the vet. Not so exciting. I feel like I should use at least one of my lives to make a difference.

Conflicted in Coloma

Dear Conflicted,

First, thank you for the nice compliment. I have to admit, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. I have a person who reads all my letters to me, types my answers and submits them to my publisher. I just have to come up with the advice. That being said, don’t despair if you don’t have an obvious calling. From your letter, I can tell you are a quite happy housecat. You may not believe it, but that is one of the highest callings a cat can have. You can’t have a house without people, and people need cats to be truly happy. Just be being yourself, you are enriching the lives of everyone around you. Think about it, when you rub against your person’s legs doesn’t he (or she) smile? Next time you’re napping, open one eye and nine times out of ten your people will be smiling at you. You give the m the strength to face the day. You are accomplishing great things just by doing what comes natural.

Don’t forget, you still have eight more lives to do great things, if you want to.

Keep up the good work!

Sammy

Designer Conflicts

Dear Sammy,

I am having a bad case of artistic differences, and it’s driving me nuts. I know my people work hard to provide for me, and so I try to do my part by taking over the interior design. The problem is, they just don’t seem to have any taste. Just listen to this. They have a truly hideous carpet in the living room. It’s glaringly white, just hurts the eyes to look at it. So, at great time and expense (of my lovely black fur) to me, I covered it with a nice soft piece of kitty art. Did they thank me? No! Instead they got out the noisy, sucking machine (which they know I hate) and removed the whole piece. All that work, gone in 60 seconds! That’s not all. When I improved their dining table by giving it a distressed look, very in right now, they totally failed to appreciated the added value. Instead, they actually scolded me! Then they bought a new, even uglier table. I don’t know what to do with these people. Except for their complete lack of good taste, they are great. I’m embarrassed whenever they have guests over because I know, even though their friends tell them they have a lovely home, what they’re thinking is “This place could look so much better with a cat’s touch.” What do you advise?

Tasteful in Turlock

Dear Tasteful,

Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to your problem. Some people are just born without the good taste gene, and no matter how much you try to educate them, they just won’t appreciate the finer things, such as kitty art. All is not lost, however. At least your people have good friends who will lie to them to make them feel good. And they have you, who are concerned enough to keep trying even though they don’t appreciate you.

Of course, I’m not advising you go give up on your design vision, just be a little more subtle. There have been instances where, after years of being exposed to art, people have stopped resisting, and first accepted it, then come to appreciate it. Doing the entire carpet may have been overwhelming to your people. They just could not take that much beauty in one viewing. Try leaving little bits of art around the house, in places that aren’t so obvious. A nice hair sculpture in a dark corner can go unnoticed for days, but still sends out subliminal good taste vibes. Do your claw art on pieces of furniture they don’t use often. By the time they really notice it, they will have grown to love it. Don’t give up.

Sammy

Mommy Blues

Dear Sammy,

I’m at my wit’s end and I’m hoping you can help. I am a mother with five adolescent cats and not of one of them will listen to a thing I say. I tell them not to fight, and they just fight all the more. I tell them not to steal each other’s food, but not a one of them will keep to their own bowl at mealtime. Sometimes, my third born (or was he the fourth born?) will even try to nudge me away from my dish. No respect! My people are no help. They just laugh at the kid’s antics. Of course I get no help from the fathers. All those toms disappeared as soon as they found out they were going to be dads.

So here I am, a single mother trying to raise five children to be upstanding cats. It’s not like I’m overly strict. As long as they don’t sleep in my spot on the couch, steal my food, or permanently maim each other, I’m happy. However, I would like to be able to tell them what to do occasionally. And they were such good kittens, but as soon as they didn’t have to depend on me for meals, they became unruly hooligans.

What’s a mother to do?

Stymied in Susanville

Dear Stymied,

Not having any children myself, having had an unfortunate accident when I was quite young, But I digress. Ungrateful children is a universal problem. You would be surprised to learn that even people have this problem. In many cases, we house cats don’t have to deal with the problem as children generally move away as soon as they’re old enough. Then we don’t have to be bothered by their bad behavior. This, I know, doesn’t help you. You are one of the rare cases where the kids just won’t leave home.

One solution is to do what cats have done since time began and their children grow out of kitten hood and into pain-in-the-neck-hood. Have another litter. I have heard of some felines who have children every three months. This way, they always have agreeable kittens to order around. This isn’t for everyone as it does get quite tiresome to always be feeding your little ones. It does cramp a kitty’s style. Even worse, as soon as your kittens have kittens, they will expect you to kitten-sit.

A more workable fix is to find a substitute kitten that won’t constantly disobey or annoy you. I myself have a feathered companion (yes, male cats do have parental longings sometimes). Fuzzy is covered with blue feathers and has a long, stiff tail. He’s the perfect kitten. He never complains, is a great listener, follows me when I want him to, stays where I put him, and never ever steals my food. Best of all, he’ll never grow up and ignore me. My advice is to get yourself a “Fuzzy” of your own, and then you won’t be annoyed by what your offspring are up to. You can even pretend those rascals racing through the house are not even related to you.

Wishing you a “Fuzzy” future,

Sammy

A Scratching Post by Any Other Name, Is Still as Scratching Post

Dear Sammy,

My person is giving me mixed messages, and it is very confusing. You know how important it is for us to keep our claws nice and sharp. Even though I’m an indoor cat, you never know when a dangerous animal will break in and I have to protect my home. Besides, I get much better traction on the rug with sharp claws, in the rare event I have to make a quick retreat. The problem is, the house is just filled with great claw sharpeners, some of my favorites being the leather sofa and that desk with the cute curved legs. There are some rope thingys that work pretty good, too. The problem is, sometimes my person calls me “good kitty,” and sometimes she calls me “stop that!” I can’t tell if she wants me to keep my claws in shape or not. Could it just be mood swings? Do you have any advice on how I can keep my person happy and stay well groomed?

Confused in Citrus Heights

Dear Confused,

While frustrating, you’ll be happy to hear this is not an uncommon problem. For some unknown reason, people tend to become overly attached to pieces of furniture. No one knows why they are protective of some pieces, but don’t even seem to care about others. For us, it becomes a case of “in sight” and “out of sight” scratching. It’s perfectly ok to use anything available for pedicures, but remember, timing is everything. For those “stop that!” pieces of furniture, save your usage for when your person is out of the room, or even better, out of the house. It’s not so much that she doesn’t want you to use them, it’s just that she doesn’t want to see you doing it.

There is one hard and fast rule with people when it comes to claw shar4pening. Never use anyone’s leg, not matter how tempting the cashmere pants.

Here’s to an end to the mixed messages.

Sammy

A Case of Unrequited Love

Dear Sammy,

Can you offer some advice for a gorgeous feline who is constantly rejected by her one true love? It’s true! Despite the fact that I have hypnotic emerald green eyes, and luxurious, long, silky black and white fur, I keep facing rejection. I live mostly indoors, can’t risk getting burrs in my fur, you know, while the object of my affection, let’s call him Jerome, lives mainly outdoors. I know he likes me because when our eyes meet through the window, there’s a spark. But, when I go outside, the story changes. The minute I leave the house, it’s like I’m nothing special. He’ll acknowledge my presence, and maybe even engage in a little sniffing, but the second I look for something more, he’ll just walk away. It’s the same when he occasionally comes inside the house. Both he and my person like watching “Numbers” on Friday nights, so he’ll come in to watch TV. But, can I even get him to say two words to me when he’s inside. No! Then, when there’s glass between us again, he’s all flirty.

It’s not like he’s all that hot. He’s a skinny grey thing. Ok, he does have mesmerizing eyes. But still, he should consider himself lucky to have me for a girlfriend. If I weren’t so beautiful, I might begin to feel inferior, maybe. How can I ensnare him in my claws and make him my slave, the way it should be?

Rejected in Roseville

Dear Rejected,

What we have here is a classic case of “Furry Nerves.” It affects outdoor male cats mainly, but has been known in rare cases with indoor cats. It’s when an outdoor cat feels inferior to an indoor cat. When he is safely separated from the indoor cat, he is full of confidence and acts like a Fat Cat. He’ll strut his stuff and act tough. While that protective glass is between him and his amour, he’s in his element. However, take away that safety shield, and he doesn’t know what to do. So he acts like he doesn’t care. I myself, have never suffered from these, or any other kind of nerves, but I have done extensive study of it.

Don’t take it personally, with a female as enchanting as you, and I can tell by the liver scented stationery you used, any tom would be intimidated. For a cat with “Furry Nerves” your charms are just too much. He doesn’t talk to you because he is unable to. You rob him of the power to screech. His only defense if to pretend he doesn’t choose to talk to you.

While there are cases where indoor and outdoor cats have successfully bridged the gap and had a lovely relationship, do you really want that? For one thing, even if you do overcome the intimidation factor, he’s still an outdoor cat. He’ll never be as refined as you are. Can a gal who dines on the finest kitty feast be happy with fellow who thinks stinky squirrel is the ultimate in cuisine? My advice to you is enjoy the forbidden pleasure of an impossible romance. Have your fun flirting through the window, and enjoy the power of making a male speechless.

Should you ever be in my neighborhood, I’ll show you how a real cat treats his lady.

Vive L‘amour,

Sammy

Home Security

Dear Sammy,

I writing on behalf of cats like me everywhere who don’t get the respect we deserve. It’s not so bad that people don’t understand us, and you can’t really expect dogs to understand anything, but even other cats fail to recognize the important work we do. I’m talking about security cats. We are highly trained in the art of protecting our home and everyone in it from dangerous flying objects. What most people don’t realize is moths, gnats and feathers (yes feathers) can pose serious threats to the comfort, health and security of the home. Think about it, these things usually attack at night when no one is on guard. If it weren’t for us security cats, a gnat might get in an ear, a feather might disturb sleep, or a moth might inadvertently be swallowed. While everyone else is in dreamland, we are protecting our home.

Do we ask for any reward or medals? No. All we want is a little recognition. What do we get? From our humans, we get, “Oh, what a cute kitty. Look at him playing with the bug.” Even worse, is the reaction from my fellow felines. I live with four other cats, only one of whom helps with security. My sister actually scolded me for “acting undignified.” No one seems to realize this is not a game. Why do they think we sleep all day. It’s so we can be alert during the dangerous dark.

How do we convince people and peers we are not fooling around?

Vigilant in Vallejo

Dear Vigilant,

First let me say, I appreciate what you do. Fortunately for my peace of mind, and much needed beauty sleep, I live with a security cat. I have to admit, I did not really appreciate him until an unfortunate incident where an annoying gnat decided to buzz around my head. What could have been a sleepless night, what a disaster!, was saved thanks to my brother who, with no thought to his own safety, batted the gnat away from my head and then ate it just to make sure I was safe. My whole point of view changed that night. When I woke up the next morning, and after breakfast and my morning nap, I wasted no time in thanking him.

We need more cats like you, but unfortunately most people (and pets) aren’t going to realize it until they have a close call like I did. On the bright side, people seem to appreciate cuteness in cats just as much as they do bravery. So, while their “Cute kitty,” may be misinformed, it is well-intentioned, and you are just as likely to get a kitty treat for making them smile as for making them safe. As for your brother and sister cats, they’ll always find something to goad you with. Tell the truth, you give them a hard time from time to time, don’t you?

You can feel good about the important job you are doing, and know that not everyone thinks you’re just playing. For my part, I will take every opportunity I get to educated people about you brave and worthy security cats.

Stay on guard!

Sammy

Whose Bed is it Anyway?

Dear Sammy,

The people I live with have a mixed marriage. She’s a cat person, he’s a dog person. I consider myself open minded, and I am willing to put up with his misguided beliefs. However, when they impact me, I have to protest.

During the day, everything is fine. He works on the computer all day and leaves me alone. He doesn’t mess with me and I don’t scratch his eyes out. It works. The nighttime is the problem.

When she gets home from work, she takes care of the important things first, and feeds me. We then settle in for some lap time before bed. At 10:00pm promptly, she and I head off to bed. Just when we enter dreamland, He arrives. He has some strange notion that cats don’t belong on the bed, or even in the bedroom! Can you believe it?! Despite my protests, he unceremoniously kicks me out of the room and shuts the door in my face. How humiliating! Now, if I were just worried about my comfort, which of course is important, I wouldn’t bother you with this. There are other places I can sleep. However, I perform a very important safety function. For one thing, I keep the bed warm, lowering the heating bill, so She can afford more toys for me. But, there’s also my security job. Who’s going to protect them from moths and other flying things during the night if I’m not on guard? Who’s going to make sure She wakes up in time to go to work and make money to keep me in food and litter?

My feeling is, if anyone should sleep in the hall, it’s Him. After all, I take up must less room.

What’s your advice.

Annoyed in Antioch

Dear Annoyed,

Alas, this is the cross we sensitive felines must pay at times. Some humans are born with a disorder called ACK! (Aversion to Cats and Kittens). It’s not their fault, it’s a real medical condition. Despite great advances in medicine, scientists and doctors alike are completely stymied by this disease. The good news for these unfortunate creatures is they can go on to lead almost normal lives, they just need acceptance and understanding.

Of course, knowing what the disease is doesn’t really help your situation. Apparently He has a severe case. Often just being around a person who doesn’t have ACK! will decrease the intensity of some of the symptoms. In your case, I don’t see that happening. While I agree with you that you are the wronged party, you may also have to be the bigger cat in this case.

There are a couple things you could try to get a night of uninterrupted rest, so necessary for us to maintain our looks and sweet personalities. Do you sleep in the middle of the bed. You might try moving to Her side or the foot of the bed. That way, He might not notice you. A cat bed on the floor (on Her side, of course) might also work. If he is just determined to evict you, there’s not much you can do. You’ll just have to find a comfortable place in another room, and enjoy your time with Her when you get it.

I know I said we have to be understanding of people with medical conditions, but I would completely understand if you felt the need to leave Him a little something in his slippers.

Sweet Dreams,

Sammy

Table Trekker

Dear Sammy,

My person has been sending me some confusing signals. I can go anywhere in the house and he doesn’t say anything. However, the instant I get on the kitchen table, it’s “Hey, get down! Now!” What gives? Obviously there’s something up there I should know about, or why would he want me to keep off? I can’t figure out what it is, though. I’ve given it a thorough investigation, when he’s not home of course, but there’s really nothing interesting up there. I keep checking just to see if he puts something there, like a nice fresh mouse, when I’m not looking, but so far, nothing. The only thing even near interesting on the table is when he eats his meals, but he has weird tastes. Sometimes, he doesn’t even have meat.

I’m just wondering if you can give me any insight about why he thinks the table should be off limits. Oh, and he’s not too pleased when I investigate the kitchen counters either.

Wondering in Wildwood

Dear Wondering,

This is a question that long intrigued me too. I conducted extensive research, at great risk to myself and finally cleared up the mystery of the dining table. You will be surprised at the answer. For some odd reason, people don’t like us cats to walk where they eat or prepare their food. I know. I was shocked by that, but it’s true. After all, do we screech at them when they walk on the floor where we eat? No! For the life of me, I cannot fathom why they would be upset. After all, we are fastidiously clean. It’s not like we’ll give them mad cat disease. Still, sometimes we have to humor our quirky people. For the most part, except for vet visits and forgetting to clean the litter box, they mean well.

My advice to you is to put up with the occasional “Get down!” and try to limit your table excursions to those times when your person is out of the house. You never know when something good might turn up on the table top that would make a satisfying crash when you knock it off. I myself am partial to the clunk his eyeglasses make when hitting the tile. It’s even better when he doesn’t notice and crunches them under foot.

Sammy

Sometimes New is NOT Improved

Dear Sammy,

I debated about whether or not to send this letter because I really love my person and don’t want to complain about her, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried everything I know to communicate with her, but she’s just not fluent in feline. A short time ago, she brought home this “new and improved” cat litter. From what I gather from her broken cat talk, some vet or other “expert” said it was better for kitties tushies. I beg to differ. I hate it! It smells funny and feels funnier. Yech! I find myself waiting as long as I can so I can avoid using it. I’ve tried letting her know subtly and not so subtly how I feel, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried to explain it to her rationally, but when I get in her lap, she starts with the brushing and soon I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. I’ve tried kicking the disgusting litter on the floor, but she just sweeps it up. To make matters worse, my brother won’t back me up. He doesn’t see a problem with the new litter. Of course, being a boy, he’s not nearly as sensitive as us girl kitties. He’d go in the dirt and be happy. What am I going to do? My nerves are shot, and I’m getting tired of crossing my legs.

Stymied in San Jose

Dear Stymied,

I feel your pain. I know how disturbing it is when well-intentioned people think they are improving things, when in fact, they are making things worse. But don’t be too upset with your person. She can’t help it. For some reason, people can’t seem to resist those three words “New & Improved!”

Before I get to your options, I do have to take issue with one thing you said. Not all boy cats are insensitive primitives. I, too, am very sensitive to any change, be it litter, food or the detergent used on my velvet cushions. Though this male refinement is limited to the Siamese breed. I am supposing your brother is not of this elegant breed. In that case you are correct in saying boy kitties are not nearly as refined as females.

That out of the way, you do have some options other than holding it indefinitely. If your person is an avid reader of my column (and who is not?) you can bring it to her attention Meow loudly and point to the page should do it. If that doesn’t work, or if the paper is not delivered on that day, you can try some more drastic measures. First, only use the litter box when your person is in hearing distance and sneeze loudly when you do. Hopefully, she will get the idea you are allergic to the new stuff and change it back.

This last measure I advise using only as a last resort as it may result in an unwanted trip to the vet. But if nothing else works, avoid the litter box altogether. No. I don’t mean hold it in forever. Pick something less disgusting to use. For example, you might use the newspaper (unread of course) or try the bedspread. It’s soft and absorbent. As I said though, this is a last resort. If your person doesn’t make the connection, she may think it’s kidney problems. Or worse, if there’s a non-cat person in the house, you may end up an outdoor cat.

Good luck!

Sammy

The Case of the Classless Cat

Dear Sammy,

I’m very worried about my brother, let’s call him “Augustus.” He seems unable to form a normal relationship with other cats, namely me, his loving sister. Instead of doing what I tell him to, he prefers to play with dirty laundry. It is so embarrassing! It’s bad enough that he frolics in the laundry room (he can’t even wait for the good, clean stuff). He has to pull clothes out of the “before” basket and play with them. Wait, it get worse, if you can believe it. He doesn’t even go for the nice girl things, but seems distressingly enamored with the smelly boy socks and underpants. Eew! The other day, I nearly died. My person’s parents were visiting, and out comes Cae… oops, I mean, Augustus with, no I can’t say it, a pair of stinking underpants on his head. I love my brother, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried encouraging him to run sneak out the door when no one’s looking, but for some reason, my people always track him down and bring him back. Maybe they feel sorry for him. I know they’re just as embarrassed by him as I am. Can you recommend a good home for classless cats?

Scandalized in Scotts Valley

Dear Scandalized,

My dear girl, I understand your concerns completely. While it is true, most cats are just naturally sophisticated, there is a rare condition known as Bonehead Syndrome that affects about one in 1 million cats, and causes them to act more like dogs than cats. Strangely, it only seems to affect boy cats. Girl cats, lucky you, have an extra class chromosome that blocks this disease. Now, I know this is going to be small comfort to you, but your brother seems to have a mild case if the only symptom he has is his fixation with dirty underwear. I’ve heard of cases where the sick cats actually learns to do tricks and, shudder, comes when called. The bad news is, there is no cure. Even if he wanted to be cured, and most victims don’t, he’ll never be able to deny those impulses. The good news is once he get’s older, he’ll spend more time sleeping and less time embarrassing you. In the meantime, I suggest locking the laundry room door whenever you have guests.

I’m just glad he’s not my brother. Good luck to you.

Sammy

To Shed or Not to Shed

Dear Sammy,

Help! I’m having a fashion problem. I have always been the most beautiful cat in the house. You would not believe how gorgeous I am., big expressive green eyes, and the longest, softest fur on the planet. Lately, though, the unspeakable has been happening. I don’t know if I can even write it, it’s so unbelievable. I’ll just bite the bullet and say it. My lovely fur has been falling out. I don’t mean the regular springtime shedding, but everywhere I walk, I leave a trail of fur. Heaven forbid I ever commit a crime, the fur trail would lead right back to me. So far, I’m still beautiful, but I’m afraid if this continues, I’ll (gulp) have a bald spot! Oh please Sammy, help me before it’s too late.

Gorgeous in Gaston

Dear Gorgeous,

Never fear. I looked at your enclosed picture (thank you very much, it now hangs on my wall) and you will always be the most lovely feline in your household. Those eyes and that face send shivers up my spine.

That said, I know a cat as lovely as you is very concerned with taking care of her luxurious coat. There are a few reasons you may be losing your fab fur. Has there been any recent additions to your household, a new kitten or, heaven forbid, a puppy? You may be allergic to the little pest. While getting rid of the offending creature would be best, your person probably won’t go for that. Your best bet is to avoid the newcomer, and make sure he knows not to mess with your stuff. It it’s not a new roommate, it may still be an allergy. People don’t seem to realize that we felines are very sensitive creatures. Any little change can upset our delicate system. My advice is to first, take a nap to calm your nerves, then think back to when the symptoms started. What changed? Did you human change your food, wash your beds with a new detergent, start using a new rug cleaner, change your brand of litter? Any little change could be the cause of your unfortunate condition. Whatever is new, avoid it!. But, don’t blame your person, she’s just trying to help. For some strange reason, people like to mix things up and try new things. They’ll never learn.

Hope you’re back in tip top shape soon.

Sammy

Girlfriend Worries

Dear Sammy,

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me. When we’re together, things are great. She’s a great mouser and her singing voice can be heard two counties away. If I had to choose just one girlfriend, it would be her. The problem is, when I go visit one of my other girls, I think she’s messing around with other Toms. The signs are subtle, but I can see them. She never calls me by my name “Scat!” she always calls me Tiger. I don’t know if that’s a pet name, or the name of someone’s pet. That’s not all. Sometimes I spot a flash of another tale going around the corner when I come by. And, I think it was a little suspicious that there was a Siamese in our last litter. She’s all black, and I’m a tuxedo. Tell me I’m just being silly.

Suspicious in Susanville

Dear Suspicious,

You’re just being silly. There. Do you feel better. I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheating.” Have you ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect?” What your girl is doing is making sure she’s in top form when you come calling. Ok, so she may be entertaining a tom or two when you’re making the rounds, but it’s just to ask for advice on how to make you happy. Feline females can’t help it. They so polite, they can’t say no when a guy comes calling. However, you are obviously her main man. Among shelines, “Tiger” is the universally recognized nickname for her number one. And you can’t blame the male cats for trying, cute kitties, especially black ones, are hard to resist. So treat your girl right, and don’t feel you need to tear any other male cat to shreds. By the way, when exactly was that Siamese kitten born?

Keep the love flowing,

Sammy

Hero Worship

Dear Sammy,

My person’s birthday is coming up and I am at a loss for what to get him. I don’t want to get something ordinary. I’ve already given him plenty of mice and birds. (For some reason, he likes to plant them in the garden. I guess he thinks they’ll grow.) He may not be the smartest person, but he is the greatest. I really want to get him something special, something that lets him know how much I and all cats appreciate him. He works hard every day, not just to provide a great home for me, but to make the world a safer place for all catkind. You see, he’s a dog catcher.

Proud in Placerville

Dear Proud,

You’ve got quite a dilemma on your hands. There really is nothing too good for a man of that noble profession. You are quite correct. Another mouse or pheasant simply would not be enough. He deserves the one thing I usually recommend against giving. Attention. Now for all you other readers, realize this is an extreme case, and not to be done with normal people. However, in this case, and even then, just because it’s his birthday, go ahead and give him some affection. If it’s his day off, you can start by waiting an extra half hour before you jump on him to let him know it’s time to feed the cat. Rub his legs and purr while he’s getting dressed, and you can sit on his lap while he’s watching TV. If he’s a really good dog catcher, you can even pay attention to the latest toy he bought you, if you can find it. I warn you though, never under any circumstances are you to bring him his slippers or paper. It will just confuse him, and the next time he goes to work, he might drop the net on the wrong species. Other than that, for one day a year, it’s ok to make him think he’s important to you.

Happy celebrating,

Sammy

Catnip Intervention

Dear Sammy

I’m very worried about my brother. Up to a few weeks ago he was a perfectly well-adjusted cat. He ate whenever he could get his paws on food and got a respectable 18 hours of sleep a day. Then he changed. At first, I thought the little teabag our person brought home was just another toy to ignore. After all, it wasn’t anything exciting like a paper bag. I gave it the requisite sniff, and thing I was done with it. I admit, it did smell interesting, but nothing special. Chuckles, however, went nuts. At first, he tried to ignore it, but it seemed to pull him by an invisible chain. He could only go a couple steps before he was back sniffing it, and batting it around. Soon, he was embarrassing himself (and me) by rolling around with it, and pouncing on it. Now, he can’t leave it alone. He gets really nervous if it gets out of his sight. If I try to mess with it, forget it! He attacks like I was trying to eat out his food bowl. I’m getting worried about him. he’s having fun, and slimming down. If he doesn’t get help, he’ll just be a dog with long whiskers.

What can I do to help him break this addiction.

Caring in Colfax

Dear Caring,

Alas, I’ve seen this many times before. Your brother has gotten a hold of that insidious drug known as catnip. For some cats, it has no effect at all, as you found out for yourself. I, as well, am immune to its charms. I can stop anytime I want. Really. But back to your brother. For some cats, it has disastrous side effects, including happiness, playfulness, and energy. All traits no respectable cat would tolerate. Catnip was originally cultivated by a dog person, who worried that his dogs suffered in comparison to cats. So he created a drug that would make cats act more like dogs. Fortunately for feline-kind, the side effects do not include obedience, loyalty or tail wagging. Ugh! That said, there are two options for dealing with your brother. You can perform an intervention. Tell him how ridiculous he looks, getting him on film would be good, and shame him into to giving up the catnip. It won’t be easy if he’s as bad as you describe. Shredding his toy might be your best bet. The other option is to turn up your nose and pretend you don’t him until he either outgrows his addiction or loses his toy. Setting a good example of indifference and boredom may be your best tool in curing your brother.

Best of luck,

Sammy

Guess Who Came to Dinner

Dear Sammy,

I don’t get people. Why do they think they are so much better than us? Better than dogs, I can see, but not cats. My person is generally pretty good. She has kitty beds all over the house, in case I need a quick nap. She keeps everything nice and clean, and she doesn’t have a dog. Her one annoying trait is she won’t let me sit at the table at dinner time. It’s not like there’s not enough space for me. She only takes one chair and there are three just going unused. Still, every time I try to join her, she shoos me away, sometimes not so gently. I don’t know how much more of this rejection I can take. It’s humiliating to eat my warm tuna and cream on the floor. Well, from a crystal dish, but the dish is on the floor.

Grounded in Galt

Dear Grounded

Don’t be too hard on your person. The truth is, people have some very strange eating habits. Because their faces are so flat, they have trouble eating properly straight from the plate and have to rely on some primitive implements to help them. These tools, aside from looking ridiculous, aren’t very efficient. It can sometimes take hours for people to get enough food to keep them going. When more than one person eats at the same time, it’s not uncommon to hear them laughing because they look so absurd when they eat. And that is the reason, your person won’t allow you to eat at the table with her. Imagine how embarrassed she would be to have you see her struggling so with her meal, or to have to watch you be so graceful and efficient. She feels she would lose all your respect. So, don’t feel slighted by her actions, realize she is only trying to maintain her dignity in the face of her handicap.

Good dining,

Sammy

Delusional Doctor

Dear Sammy,

I have just had a very disturbing visit to the vet. Of course every visit is an unnecessary aggravation, but this one was the worst. Aside from the usual indignities, poking, prodding, pricking, he had to nerve to say I was overweight! Can you believe it? I’m just big boned. Not only does he say I have to cut down on my favorite hobbies, eating and sleeping, but he wants me to do the absurd, exercise and diet. He’s not very bright. Just how am I supposed to exercise when I’m too weak from lack of food to move? What can I do to convince my person that the vet’s a quack?

Flabbergasted in Folsom

Dear Flabbergasted,

You’d be surprised how often I get this complaint. If you ask me, and you did, how can habits that are so instinctive to cats, like eating and sleeping, be wrong? They are survival reactions. Think about it, no one can resist a sleeping cat. We are sooo cute when we’re dreaming. We can make a person sit for hours just by getting in his lap and pretending to sleep. And eating, well, you know what happens when we don’t eat. Aside from the obvious, it’s just polite to eat what we’re given, and to let our people know that we appreciate them.

That said. vets need to think they didn't go to vet school for nothing, and they can get annoying unless you throw them a bone, pardon the expression. Pretend you’re cutting back on your food, you can always augment regular meals with kitty treats, and you know how to get those, sleeping isn't the only thing in our cute arsenal. As for the exercise, make sure your owner has to work for it. For every calorie you burn, make her burn two. Don’t fall for any of those toys you can play with by yourself, make her roll the ball, or swing the feather, or even play a brisk game of tag. But, don’t budge unless she comes up with something fun to do. You may even have fun getting all the extra attention.
Take it easy,

Sammy

Faux Kitty Blues

Dear Sammy,

I live with a truly weird person. She is cat obsessed. That’s only normal thing about her. I live with seven other cats, and we get along pretty well. We all have our own bed, our own food dish, and even our own litter box. I have no complaints about her care. She’s great. The problem is, she has to have everything she sees that has a cat on it. The house is full of cat blankets, cat tea towels, cat glasses, cat coasters… You get the picture. That’s not weird either. We are fascinating. The problem is her latest acquisition. It’s a cat shaped pitcher, with a tale handle, and you pour out of the mouth. That’s gross, but I could live with it if she didn’t use the cursed thing to fill our milk dishes every day. There’s nothing that will make a cat lose her appetite quicker than seeing another cat spit up in her dish. My person thinks it’s just the cutest thing, but I, and my cat mates, are losing weight because we can’t enjoy our morning milk. We’ve thought of breaking it, but she puts it away in a display case after the morning spit. How can we evict the unwanted new arrival?

Nauseous in North Highlands

Dear Nauseous,

First let me say, ewwww! You are right. The spitty kitty has to go. The person who sold the thing should be banned from retail forever, but you only need to get rid of one. This calls for a well executed operation. You have a small window of opportunity here so you have to be quick and coordinated. The next time she pulls it out, you need to distract her so she has to put it down in a vulnerable spot. Since there are several of you, it should be easy to confuse her if you work together. As she is starting to pour, you take action. One cat pretends to get scared by something and runs away, two others start fighting, another jumps up on the table (if that is off limits), it would be helpful if someone could really spit up (a little palm tree helps here). You get the point. If everyone starts misbehaving in different directions at the same time, she’ll be forced to set down the spitty kitty and go after someone. That’s when your point man takes over. Hopefully, she’ll set it on a counter or table and one swift swipe will send it to ugly pitcher heaven. If she sets it on the ground, and knocking it over doesn’t break it, leave a little gift, if you get my drift, inside. Even if she doesn’t throw it away after that, she’ll never put food in it again.

Sammy

Damaged Goods

Dear Sammy,

Help quick! My family has gone on vacation and will be back in two days. I need a quick answer. No, my problem isn’t the fact that they went away without asking me, and totally disrupted my routine. They think just because they have someone coming in twice a day to serve me, I’ll forgive them. Wrong. I have a schedule and they have completely messed it up. I know they expect some form of retaliation. The thing is, I may have gone too far. The leaves on the plant will grow back, and there are only a few new scratches on the furniture. But, when I pulled the tablecloth off the table, I didn’t know their fancy crystal vase was up there. I’m afraid it can’t be put back together. Unfortunately, I’m an only cat, no dog to take the blame. I want them to feel bad, not mad.

Nervous in Novato

Dear Nervous,

Two words. Think cute. Even the most insensitive person can’t resist cute. You have two days to practice your best moves. Here are some that work for me. The Sleeping Kitty. For some reason, people find a sleeping cat extremely cute. Maybe it’s the aura of innocence. The Lap & Purr is another good maneuver. People have a hard time being mad at a cat who is snuggled in their lap purring loudly. The key to this one is to pick the softest touch. That’s the person who will defend you if anyone else still wants to be mad. Finally we have the Playful Kitty. Chasing a ball, batting around a toy, and even chasing your tail will elicit oohs and ahhs from your family. No one is sure why, but it may have to do with the fact we sleep a lot, making any activity a surprise. Pick the one you think will work best on your family and practice it. Of course, it the vase had sentimental value, you may want to practice all three.

Waiting for Good Grub

Dear Sammy,

I’m going nuts trying to communicate with my person. She only feeds me twice a day, and sometimes she’s late. I try giving her gentle reminders, but she completely ignores them. I’ve tried talking to her reasonably, but she just goes “Oh, Smokey, what are you crying about?” If it’s in the morning, I’ll sit on her chest and give her the “get out of bed” look, but she just rolls over and ignores me. Gentle scratches and sometimes not so gentle scratches only seem to annoy her. Nothing results in food in my dish. By the time she gets around to doing her job, she’s cutting into my nap time. I’ve almost run out of options. Any suggestions?

Impatient in Ione

Dear Impatient,

I’ve found that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Not that I need to stoop to eating flies. My publicists is also a very good chef, and very prompt. Of course, flies are fun to chase, but not that tasty. But I digress. Oh yes, how to handle a delinquent person. While it is true, most people live to make their cats happy, there are the few that do not find every feline antic irresistible. Unfortunately, you seem to have found one. Do not despair. Obviously, she had the good sense to get a cat. You just have to be a bit more creative. Show her how much you love her. Forget the claws and think paws. People have ridiculously vulnerable hides, and tend to react badly to friendly scratches. On the other hand, a nice, soft, clawless, paw feels like a nice caress. Another foolproof tactic is what I call The Weave. Rub against your person’s legs as you walk around her. If space permits, weave through her legs. This works best if accompanied by a loud purr. Treat your person like a duchess and she’ll treat you like a queen.

Sammy

How to Handle a New Brother

Dear Sammy,

My person brought home a new brother for me the other day. I have to say, he doesn't seem too bright. He doesn't know anything about restraint. At mealtimes, he actually jumps up and down in excitement and then his dish is empty in less than five seconds. I'm sure he's never even heard the word finicky. And that's not all. He follows our person around everywhere, and even sits at the door waiting for him to come home. I've tried to tell him that his actions are sending the wrong message to our person. Soon he'll think he doesn't have to work to earn our love. On top of it all, this new addition is a very funny looking cat. He's kind of clumsy. Maybe he tries so hard because he's not beautiful. What's a big sister to do?

Perplexed in Petaluma

Dear Perplexed,

I hate to break it to you. Your human has brought home a dog! There's really not much you can do to train him to be regal. Dogs just don't have the brain power to grasp the many different ways we cats get our people to do what we want them to. The good news is, dogs are easily manipulated. Be his friend and he'll do anything for you. You can train him to bark when your person is approaching so you can jump off the table without getting caught. He'll play with your person when you don't feel like being cuddled, and when you do, one hiss will send him on his way. With a little work, between naps, you can soon have two servants working for you.

Sammy

Water Woes

Dear Sammy,

I’m worried about my person. Every day she gets into this box, and plays in the WATER. I have to stand outside and make sure she’s alright. So far, nothing bad has happened, but what happens if one time I’m not around to make sure? I can’t understand why she does this. I know she’s not a dog, she’s much to smart. How can I make her stop this dangerous behavior. Though, I do have to admit, she’s smells nice when she’s done.

Worried in Washington

Dear Worried,

Worry no more. People have some strange habits, and this is one of them. Experts disagree on why they have to cover themselves with water periodically, and why girls have to do it more than boys, but it seems to do them no harm. Some catsperts think it has to do with the fact that people tongues are remarkable inefficient. Most people can’t even lick their toes with them.

Still, it’s nothing to lose sleep over. Water doesn’t seem to hurt them, and unlike dogs, they know when to get out. If it makes you feel better, keep on watching over your person. They seem to like it.

Sammy

Finicky - Not!

Dear Sammy,

I know a proper cat should be finicky about his food, but I’m just so hungry at mealtime, I can help wolfing down every bite. I only get fed twice a day, and not matter how much I beg, I don’t get those lovely scraps from the table. Now my person, thinks he can buy anything on sale and I’ll eat it. The sad thing is, he’s right. How can I control my hunger and at least appear finicky.

Starving in Soledad

Dear Starving,

You are absolutely correct. Any respectable cat is required to put on a show of being finicky. I’ll let you in on a secret though. Most cats really will eat anything. We have developed the finicky tradition in order to get the good stuff.

Here are some tips to make your person think you’re finicky. Do you have any siblings? When you human isn’t looking, eat out of their dish. That way you can leave food in yours. Unless of course, they get the hint and eat your food. This can also work if you know where your neighbors keep their food. (Most cats have an outdoor food dish). Sneak over there for a snack, but be quick and don’t get caught. This doesn’t work so well for indoor cats, unless you know where your person keeps his secret snack stash. As a last resort, paper makes a good filler, chow down on some right before mealtime. I’ve found that library books are actually quite tasty.

Cheow,

Sammy

Starved for Attention

Dear Sammy,

My person works at home, and you would think that she does this so she can spend more time with me. But no. She either on her computer or talking on the phone all day long. When I rub against her legs, she might scratch my ears for a nano second, but that's it. I've even tried the plaintive meow with no luck. How can I get her attention?

Ignored in Idaho

Dear Ignored,

This calls for drastic measures. Your person is entirely too focused on boring work if the leg rub and plaintive meow don't work. You're going to have to take matters into your own paws. You must be committed to the project and willing to risk making her mad to get what you need. First, try jumping in her lap. Not many people can resist a purring cat in the lap. If cute doesn't work, go for annoying. When she's on the phone meow loudly. She'll have to explain the noise and this will get her talking about her adorable pet. When she's working on the computer, sit on the keyboard or in front of the screen. She'll probably move you, but keep doing it until she puts you on her lap. I've found that once you make it to the lap, your person can both work and pay attention to you. Be warned, however, you may wind up shut out of the office completely. In that case, find something to destroy, so she'll want to keep you in her sights.

Good luck!

Sammy

Getting Enough Sleep

Dear Sammy,

How is a cat to get enough sleep when her person is forever waking her up to "put her to bed?" I'll be curled comfortably in my basket in front of the fire when my person will rudely drag me out and cart me up the stairs to another basket. Everytime this happens, it takes me at least five minutes to get back to sleep. Her only reason for this outrage is she doesn't want me bothering the bird at night. Oh come on. I've only jumped on the cage in the middle of the night once or twice, or maybe three times, and the precious bird was never in any danger, well not much. The key thing here is I'm missing out on much needed beauty sleep. I'm down to 15 hours a day. I'm sure there are bags under my eyes, under all that fur. What can I do?

Sleepless in Auburn

Dear Sleepless in Auburn,

Why don't you try sleeping in your person's lap? I've found that people will sit for hours without moving just to avoid disturbing the cat. It helps if you do something cute, like move your paws or twitch. Your person will think you're dreaming of chasing rabbits. Once you get really good at cute sleeping, you can make your person sit downstairs all night long.

Good luck and happy dreams.

Sammy