Saturday, September 24, 2011

Weighty Woes

Dear Sammy,

For some reason, and it’s a mystery to me, I seem to have put on weight since my kitten days. It’s not like I’m lazy. I just get the normal 16 hours of sleep, and I only eat when I’m hungry, or when I’m passing by the dog’s dish. Yet, I still notice I’m getting a little rounder. My person even called me chubby the other day. I had to give her my best “you will respect the cat” glare. I guess it’s just a normal part of getting older, my metabolism must be slowing down. So, I’ve decided to start an exercise program. I’ve heard the word before, and when I looked it up, it seemed like it might be something I could try.

I decided to give the tread mill a try. My person uses it all the time, and seems to like it. The problem is, I’ve been using it for three weeks now, and nothing’s happened. At first, I was only using it for a few minutes a day, but it was so easy, I’m now up to an hour or more. It just doesn’t seem to be working. I think it may be defective. Sometimes I even sleep on it, but no matter how long I sit on the dumb thing, I don’t lose any weight.

Do you think I should keep trying the treadmill? If I drag my bed on it, I could spend even more time there. Or, should I try something else? My person also likes to run. Maybe if I slept on her running clothes, that would work.

Pleasantly Plump in Pleasanton

Dear Pleasantly Plump,

Kudos to you for giving it the old college try. Exercise is not instinctive to us cats. However, as you’re finding out, most of the things guaranteed to make you lose weight are just fads. The treadmill is one of the faddiest of the fads. Oh sure, they tell you to use it “just 10 minutes a day, and you’ll be amazed at how fast the weight disappears.” While they seem to work for people, I think it has something to do with them standing taller and gravity pulling the weight off, cats have had no luck with the things. I even heard from one cat who moved onto one, had her bed and food dishes on it, and only left to use the litter box. Even though she spent an entire week on the treadmill, she ended up gaining weight.

I know this is frustrating, but think about it. Do you really need to lose weight. Take a look in the mirror. I’ll wager you are a fine looking feline. Why should you conform to someone else’s idea of beauty? Be comfortable with who you are. You’re a cat. What’s not to love?

If you still feel the need to exercise, I’ve found the most effective piece of equipment is an empty box. You can push it around, jump in and out of it, and climb all over it. When you’re done, you can curl up and sleep in it.

Good luck!

Sammy

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Vet Crush

Dear Sammy,

I think there is something seriously wrong with my brother. I mean beside the fact that he’s my brother, and therefore a boy. No offense to you, Sammy. I know you are an exception to the rule. Ok, back to my problem. My brother, actually likes going to the vet. Ugh! He used to be normal, just like the rest of us. He would protest every time the carrier came out. He used to have this really great technique for keeping out of the carrier. He called it “liquid kitty.” When our people tried to put him in the box, he’d go all limp and pour out of their hands. Once, they even had to cancel his appointment because he was so good at “liquid kitty.”

All that changed last year. Homer felt so bad, he didn’t even protest when out people put him in the carrier. For awhile, I thought they had gotten rid of him because he got sick (another reason to keep away from vets). He was gone for days, and when he came back, he was a different cat. He said everyone was “sooo nice” to him, gave him special food and treated him like a king. He even calls the ladies there his girlfriends. Now, when the carrier comes out, he walks right in, even if it’s not his turn to go. I think they either replaced him with a clone, or gave him some hallucinogenic drug. It’s really weirding me out. How do I get him back to his obnoxious self?

Concerned in Crystal Springs

Dear Concerned,

Your brother is experiencing what we call Vetholm Syndrome. Our normal instinct is to protest everything; a trip to the vet, a change in bed location, a new brand of food… You get the picture. It’s what we do. During a normal visit to the vet, our protest instinct remains strong. However, with extended exposure to vets and their nurses, they are able to break down the defenses of all but the strongest of cats. After being subjected to the sneaky technique of petting, playing and pampering, the poor cat gives in and starts to enjoy it. The next thing you know, the vet is his best friend. Those vets are diabolically clever.

We have yet to find a way to reverse the effects. Sometimes it will wear off, but in many poor cats, it is permanent. Your brother may be doomed to enjoy his vet visits from now on. Be assured, though, he is not a clone, he’s really your brother.

And, no offense taken on the “boy” comment. I am exceptional.

Sammy