The Case of the Classless Cat

Dear Sammy,

I’m very worried about my brother, let’s call him “Augustus.” He seems unable to form a normal relationship with other cats, namely me, his loving sister. Instead of doing what I tell him to, he prefers to play with dirty laundry. It is so embarrassing! It’s bad enough that he frolics in the laundry room (he can’t even wait for the good, clean stuff). He has to pull clothes out of the “before” basket and play with them. Wait, it get worse, if you can believe it. He doesn’t even go for the nice girl things, but seems distressingly enamored with the smelly boy socks and underpants. Eew! The other day, I nearly died. My person’s parents were visiting, and out comes Cae… oops, I mean, Augustus with, no I can’t say it, a pair of stinking underpants on his head. I love my brother, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried encouraging him to run sneak out the door when no one’s looking, but for some reason, my people always track him down and bring him back. Maybe they feel sorry for him. I know they’re just as embarrassed by him as I am. Can you recommend a good home for classless cats?

Scandalized in Scotts Valley

Dear Scandalized,

My dear girl, I understand your concerns completely. While it is true, most cats are just naturally sophisticated, there is a rare condition known as Bonehead Syndrome that affects about one in 1 million cats, and causes them to act more like dogs than cats. Strangely, it only seems to affect boy cats. Girl cats, lucky you, have an extra class chromosome that blocks this disease. Now, I know this is going to be small comfort to you, but your brother seems to have a mild case if the only symptom he has is his fixation with dirty underwear. I’ve heard of cases where the sick cats actually learns to do tricks and, shudder, comes when called. The bad news is, there is no cure. Even if he wanted to be cured, and most victims don’t, he’ll never be able to deny those impulses. The good news is once he get’s older, he’ll spend more time sleeping and less time embarrassing you. In the meantime, I suggest locking the laundry room door whenever you have guests.

I’m just glad he’s not my brother. Good luck to you.

Sammy