Waiting for Good Grub

Dear Sammy,

I’m going nuts trying to communicate with my person. She only feeds me twice a day, and sometimes she’s late. I try giving her gentle reminders, but she completely ignores them. I’ve tried talking to her reasonably, but she just goes “Oh, Smokey, what are you crying about?” If it’s in the morning, I’ll sit on her chest and give her the “get out of bed” look, but she just rolls over and ignores me. Gentle scratches and sometimes not so gentle scratches only seem to annoy her. Nothing results in food in my dish. By the time she gets around to doing her job, she’s cutting into my nap time. I’ve almost run out of options. Any suggestions?

Impatient in Ione

Dear Impatient,

I’ve found that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Not that I need to stoop to eating flies. My publicists is also a very good chef, and very prompt. Of course, flies are fun to chase, but not that tasty. But I digress. Oh yes, how to handle a delinquent person. While it is true, most people live to make their cats happy, there are the few that do not find every feline antic irresistible. Unfortunately, you seem to have found one. Do not despair. Obviously, she had the good sense to get a cat. You just have to be a bit more creative. Show her how much you love her. Forget the claws and think paws. People have ridiculously vulnerable hides, and tend to react badly to friendly scratches. On the other hand, a nice, soft, clawless, paw feels like a nice caress. Another foolproof tactic is what I call The Weave. Rub against your person’s legs as you walk around her. If space permits, weave through her legs. This works best if accompanied by a loud purr. Treat your person like a duchess and she’ll treat you like a queen.

Sammy