Dear Sammy,
I’m confused about all the strange way my people act around this time of year. They go around talking about “the spirit of giving” and “the happiest time of the year,” and then they yell at me for trying to join in the festivities. I think the stress of the season may cause them to take on multiple personalities. Let me explain.
First, they go to all the trouble of putting up a new cat tree for me. They spend hours placing shiny balls and other tempting treats on it. It’s obvious, they want me to take advantage of it. So, just to make them happy, I try to play with each of the toys on the tree, even though they sometimes goof, and put some too high for me to reach without climbing the tree. Then, they yell at me if I happen to knock something off the tree. The other day, when I made it to the top of the tree to play with the pretty angel, they, to put it mildly, freaked out. I haven’t heard my person squeal so loud since I brought her that mouse. It startled me so much, I lost my grip on the tree and had to grab the window blinds to keep from crashing to the ground, which unfortunately, the tree did. It gets worse. Instead of be grateful I wasn’t injured, they yelled at me about the blinds. What gives? Why do they put all those cat toys out if they don’t want me to play with them. If I wasn’t around, they would just go to waste. I never see my people playing with them, unless they do it while I’m napping, but I doubt it.
So, what do I do? Ignore the presents, which would be rude, and probably, impossible, or put up with the yelling.
Perplexed in Petaluma
Dear Perplexed,
I don’t know how many letters I get like this around the holidays. Despite all the songs about “peace on earth” and “ho ho ho,” people go completely nuts around the holidays. They try so hard to make merry, that they forget that not everyone enjoys the same things.
I know you may find this hard to believe, but people put up tempting trees and other decorations just to look at them. No, I’m not kidding. Even more extraordinary, they expect us cats to subscribe to the same outrageous theory. They don’t realize that it is quite impossible for use to pass shiny, swingy things without giving them at least a little bat. Still, you can avoid the yelling. I’ve lived with people for years, and I’ve learned to play with the decorations when no one is around to see. Even if you do knock a few things down, they have no proof it was you, unless they actually find you in the tree. If you have brothers or sisters, you can always point paws. It’s even better if you live with a dog. Dogs are always good to take the blame. They don’t even mind.
So, you can enjoy the holiday decorations to your heart’s content. Just learn to be a little sneaky.
Happy batting!
Sammy
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Curious Sleeping Habits
Dear Sammy,
I’ve been wondering something about people. Yes, I know, most things they do are strange, but my people have some very curious sleeping habits that have me wondering. Everyone knows sleep is a natural state, more natural than being awake. I know that people are not as good as it as we are, and they rarely take their, much needed, afternoon naps. Actually, my people only take one nap a week. That’s not my question. I know people are strange. What I’m wondering is why they need to use the television as a nap-aid. Every Sunday, when they sit down for their weekly nap, they need to put on the nap aid show in order to go to sleep. Sometimes it’s cars droning round and round, and sometimes it’s people throwing a ball back and forth. A few minutes into the show and they’re sound asleep.
They use this method at night sometimes, too, though then it’s usually someone droning on and on. What is so hard about falling asleep? We cats can do it at the drop of a hat, we don’t even need the hat.
It’s not really a problem, though we could be watching Animal Planet if we’re just going to sleep through it. I’m just curious, and want to know a little more about the people I let feed me.
Drowsy in Drum Forbay
Dear Drowsy,
Oh, to understand humans. There are cats who spend their whole waking lives devoted to the study, about two hours a day, and still we haven’t solved all the mysteries of why they act so strangely. There are several theories as to why people are bad at sleeping. The most accepted one has to do with the way they are built. Walking on two legs may be fine and dandy for doing useless things like running or waiting in line, but it gets in the way of more important things.
People’s need for sleep aids can be blamed on their inability to curl up. Curled in a ball is the most natural sleep position there is. Everything is nicely tucked in and you stay warm from your own body heat. Poor people, either have to sleep all stretched out, or in a very poor attempt at the ball curl. Some catsperts think that when they lost their tails, they lost their ability to curl. So, they try to compensate for it. Some take pills, some read books, and some use TV shows that are guaranteed to put you to sleep. My person uses the ring-around-the-rosy car show, and I have to admit, it works. Even if I’ve just woken up from a refreshing nap, that show will put be to sleep.
Instead of worrying about their strange behavior, use this time to bond with your person. Some of my best naps are when I’m sitting in his lap and we’re watching the cars with our eyes closed.
Sweet Dreams,
Sammy
I’ve been wondering something about people. Yes, I know, most things they do are strange, but my people have some very curious sleeping habits that have me wondering. Everyone knows sleep is a natural state, more natural than being awake. I know that people are not as good as it as we are, and they rarely take their, much needed, afternoon naps. Actually, my people only take one nap a week. That’s not my question. I know people are strange. What I’m wondering is why they need to use the television as a nap-aid. Every Sunday, when they sit down for their weekly nap, they need to put on the nap aid show in order to go to sleep. Sometimes it’s cars droning round and round, and sometimes it’s people throwing a ball back and forth. A few minutes into the show and they’re sound asleep.
They use this method at night sometimes, too, though then it’s usually someone droning on and on. What is so hard about falling asleep? We cats can do it at the drop of a hat, we don’t even need the hat.
It’s not really a problem, though we could be watching Animal Planet if we’re just going to sleep through it. I’m just curious, and want to know a little more about the people I let feed me.
Drowsy in Drum Forbay
Dear Drowsy,
Oh, to understand humans. There are cats who spend their whole waking lives devoted to the study, about two hours a day, and still we haven’t solved all the mysteries of why they act so strangely. There are several theories as to why people are bad at sleeping. The most accepted one has to do with the way they are built. Walking on two legs may be fine and dandy for doing useless things like running or waiting in line, but it gets in the way of more important things.
People’s need for sleep aids can be blamed on their inability to curl up. Curled in a ball is the most natural sleep position there is. Everything is nicely tucked in and you stay warm from your own body heat. Poor people, either have to sleep all stretched out, or in a very poor attempt at the ball curl. Some catsperts think that when they lost their tails, they lost their ability to curl. So, they try to compensate for it. Some take pills, some read books, and some use TV shows that are guaranteed to put you to sleep. My person uses the ring-around-the-rosy car show, and I have to admit, it works. Even if I’ve just woken up from a refreshing nap, that show will put be to sleep.
Instead of worrying about their strange behavior, use this time to bond with your person. Some of my best naps are when I’m sitting in his lap and we’re watching the cars with our eyes closed.
Sweet Dreams,
Sammy
Friday, October 21, 2011
Feeling Abandoned
Dear Sammy,
My person and I make a great team, I think. We’ve got a good routine going. In the morning, we get up and she gets me breakfast and we watch the news together. Then she goes off to make money while I have my morning to mid-afternoon nap. When she gets home, I’m ready for a little playtime and dinner. She’ll do some people stuff while I take my post-dinner nap, and then we’ll watch Animal Planet until it’s time for bed. Some days, she’ll stay home and I’ll help with chores like making the bed and keeping out of the way while the loud sucking machine picks up all the hair I’ve carefully placed, but for the most part, things run smoothly.
Lately though, things have changed. She gets out a big bag and throws clothes in it, and then I won’t see her for days. Sometimes, it’s just overnight, and I don’t really notice between naps. But more often lately, it’s been days and days and days. When this happens, the girl next door makes sure I have food and keeps my space clean, and will stay awhile to play. I like her, but it’s not the same.
I want to find out where she goes, and I’ve tried jumping into the bag, but she always kicks me out. Why does she suddenly feel the need to abandon me? Does she have another cat stashed somewhere? Or worse, a dog?! She always comes home, but should I be worried?
Missing Her in Modesto
Dear Missing,
Before I became a world famous cat columnist, I would have said there was something about which to worry. However, experience has taught me differently.
In the human world, there is something called a “business trip.” It’s not something your person can control, they just pop up from time to time when other people want to see them. They are not pleasant, and trust me, your person would much rather stay home with you.
I know, because now and then, I am forced to take one to meet my fans. I can tell you it’s not fun being put in a box and carted off to distant locales. Even though I travel first class, of course, traveling is still a pain in the tail. It’s even worse for people. They have to go through many lines, take their shoes off, put their shoes on. Open the bags, close the bags. And for some reason, they feel the need to slurp down a bottle of water right before getting into those long lines. Traveling is worse than going to the vet.
Instead of worrying about being left behind, you should feel sorry for her, and let her know you feel her pain. When my person goes away without me (and after traveling a few times, I’m glad to be left at home) I put one of my toys in her bag so at least she’ll have something to play with when she’s gone. She’ll thank you for it when she gets home.
All the best,
Sammy
My person and I make a great team, I think. We’ve got a good routine going. In the morning, we get up and she gets me breakfast and we watch the news together. Then she goes off to make money while I have my morning to mid-afternoon nap. When she gets home, I’m ready for a little playtime and dinner. She’ll do some people stuff while I take my post-dinner nap, and then we’ll watch Animal Planet until it’s time for bed. Some days, she’ll stay home and I’ll help with chores like making the bed and keeping out of the way while the loud sucking machine picks up all the hair I’ve carefully placed, but for the most part, things run smoothly.
Lately though, things have changed. She gets out a big bag and throws clothes in it, and then I won’t see her for days. Sometimes, it’s just overnight, and I don’t really notice between naps. But more often lately, it’s been days and days and days. When this happens, the girl next door makes sure I have food and keeps my space clean, and will stay awhile to play. I like her, but it’s not the same.
I want to find out where she goes, and I’ve tried jumping into the bag, but she always kicks me out. Why does she suddenly feel the need to abandon me? Does she have another cat stashed somewhere? Or worse, a dog?! She always comes home, but should I be worried?
Missing Her in Modesto
Dear Missing,
Before I became a world famous cat columnist, I would have said there was something about which to worry. However, experience has taught me differently.
In the human world, there is something called a “business trip.” It’s not something your person can control, they just pop up from time to time when other people want to see them. They are not pleasant, and trust me, your person would much rather stay home with you.
I know, because now and then, I am forced to take one to meet my fans. I can tell you it’s not fun being put in a box and carted off to distant locales. Even though I travel first class, of course, traveling is still a pain in the tail. It’s even worse for people. They have to go through many lines, take their shoes off, put their shoes on. Open the bags, close the bags. And for some reason, they feel the need to slurp down a bottle of water right before getting into those long lines. Traveling is worse than going to the vet.
Instead of worrying about being left behind, you should feel sorry for her, and let her know you feel her pain. When my person goes away without me (and after traveling a few times, I’m glad to be left at home) I put one of my toys in her bag so at least she’ll have something to play with when she’s gone. She’ll thank you for it when she gets home.
All the best,
Sammy
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Weighty Woes
Dear Sammy,
For some reason, and it’s a mystery to me, I seem to have put on weight since my kitten days. It’s not like I’m lazy. I just get the normal 16 hours of sleep, and I only eat when I’m hungry, or when I’m passing by the dog’s dish. Yet, I still notice I’m getting a little rounder. My person even called me chubby the other day. I had to give her my best “you will respect the cat” glare. I guess it’s just a normal part of getting older, my metabolism must be slowing down. So, I’ve decided to start an exercise program. I’ve heard the word before, and when I looked it up, it seemed like it might be something I could try.
I decided to give the tread mill a try. My person uses it all the time, and seems to like it. The problem is, I’ve been using it for three weeks now, and nothing’s happened. At first, I was only using it for a few minutes a day, but it was so easy, I’m now up to an hour or more. It just doesn’t seem to be working. I think it may be defective. Sometimes I even sleep on it, but no matter how long I sit on the dumb thing, I don’t lose any weight.
Do you think I should keep trying the treadmill? If I drag my bed on it, I could spend even more time there. Or, should I try something else? My person also likes to run. Maybe if I slept on her running clothes, that would work.
Pleasantly Plump in Pleasanton
Dear Pleasantly Plump,
Kudos to you for giving it the old college try. Exercise is not instinctive to us cats. However, as you’re finding out, most of the things guaranteed to make you lose weight are just fads. The treadmill is one of the faddiest of the fads. Oh sure, they tell you to use it “just 10 minutes a day, and you’ll be amazed at how fast the weight disappears.” While they seem to work for people, I think it has something to do with them standing taller and gravity pulling the weight off, cats have had no luck with the things. I even heard from one cat who moved onto one, had her bed and food dishes on it, and only left to use the litter box. Even though she spent an entire week on the treadmill, she ended up gaining weight.
I know this is frustrating, but think about it. Do you really need to lose weight. Take a look in the mirror. I’ll wager you are a fine looking feline. Why should you conform to someone else’s idea of beauty? Be comfortable with who you are. You’re a cat. What’s not to love?
If you still feel the need to exercise, I’ve found the most effective piece of equipment is an empty box. You can push it around, jump in and out of it, and climb all over it. When you’re done, you can curl up and sleep in it.
Good luck!
Sammy
For some reason, and it’s a mystery to me, I seem to have put on weight since my kitten days. It’s not like I’m lazy. I just get the normal 16 hours of sleep, and I only eat when I’m hungry, or when I’m passing by the dog’s dish. Yet, I still notice I’m getting a little rounder. My person even called me chubby the other day. I had to give her my best “you will respect the cat” glare. I guess it’s just a normal part of getting older, my metabolism must be slowing down. So, I’ve decided to start an exercise program. I’ve heard the word before, and when I looked it up, it seemed like it might be something I could try.
I decided to give the tread mill a try. My person uses it all the time, and seems to like it. The problem is, I’ve been using it for three weeks now, and nothing’s happened. At first, I was only using it for a few minutes a day, but it was so easy, I’m now up to an hour or more. It just doesn’t seem to be working. I think it may be defective. Sometimes I even sleep on it, but no matter how long I sit on the dumb thing, I don’t lose any weight.
Do you think I should keep trying the treadmill? If I drag my bed on it, I could spend even more time there. Or, should I try something else? My person also likes to run. Maybe if I slept on her running clothes, that would work.
Pleasantly Plump in Pleasanton
Dear Pleasantly Plump,
Kudos to you for giving it the old college try. Exercise is not instinctive to us cats. However, as you’re finding out, most of the things guaranteed to make you lose weight are just fads. The treadmill is one of the faddiest of the fads. Oh sure, they tell you to use it “just 10 minutes a day, and you’ll be amazed at how fast the weight disappears.” While they seem to work for people, I think it has something to do with them standing taller and gravity pulling the weight off, cats have had no luck with the things. I even heard from one cat who moved onto one, had her bed and food dishes on it, and only left to use the litter box. Even though she spent an entire week on the treadmill, she ended up gaining weight.
I know this is frustrating, but think about it. Do you really need to lose weight. Take a look in the mirror. I’ll wager you are a fine looking feline. Why should you conform to someone else’s idea of beauty? Be comfortable with who you are. You’re a cat. What’s not to love?
If you still feel the need to exercise, I’ve found the most effective piece of equipment is an empty box. You can push it around, jump in and out of it, and climb all over it. When you’re done, you can curl up and sleep in it.
Good luck!
Sammy
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Vet Crush
Dear Sammy,
I think there is something seriously wrong with my brother. I mean beside the fact that he’s my brother, and therefore a boy. No offense to you, Sammy. I know you are an exception to the rule. Ok, back to my problem. My brother, actually likes going to the vet. Ugh! He used to be normal, just like the rest of us. He would protest every time the carrier came out. He used to have this really great technique for keeping out of the carrier. He called it “liquid kitty.” When our people tried to put him in the box, he’d go all limp and pour out of their hands. Once, they even had to cancel his appointment because he was so good at “liquid kitty.”
All that changed last year. Homer felt so bad, he didn’t even protest when out people put him in the carrier. For awhile, I thought they had gotten rid of him because he got sick (another reason to keep away from vets). He was gone for days, and when he came back, he was a different cat. He said everyone was “sooo nice” to him, gave him special food and treated him like a king. He even calls the ladies there his girlfriends. Now, when the carrier comes out, he walks right in, even if it’s not his turn to go. I think they either replaced him with a clone, or gave him some hallucinogenic drug. It’s really weirding me out. How do I get him back to his obnoxious self?
Concerned in Crystal Springs
Dear Concerned,
Your brother is experiencing what we call Vetholm Syndrome. Our normal instinct is to protest everything; a trip to the vet, a change in bed location, a new brand of food… You get the picture. It’s what we do. During a normal visit to the vet, our protest instinct remains strong. However, with extended exposure to vets and their nurses, they are able to break down the defenses of all but the strongest of cats. After being subjected to the sneaky technique of petting, playing and pampering, the poor cat gives in and starts to enjoy it. The next thing you know, the vet is his best friend. Those vets are diabolically clever.
We have yet to find a way to reverse the effects. Sometimes it will wear off, but in many poor cats, it is permanent. Your brother may be doomed to enjoy his vet visits from now on. Be assured, though, he is not a clone, he’s really your brother.
And, no offense taken on the “boy” comment. I am exceptional.
Sammy
I think there is something seriously wrong with my brother. I mean beside the fact that he’s my brother, and therefore a boy. No offense to you, Sammy. I know you are an exception to the rule. Ok, back to my problem. My brother, actually likes going to the vet. Ugh! He used to be normal, just like the rest of us. He would protest every time the carrier came out. He used to have this really great technique for keeping out of the carrier. He called it “liquid kitty.” When our people tried to put him in the box, he’d go all limp and pour out of their hands. Once, they even had to cancel his appointment because he was so good at “liquid kitty.”
All that changed last year. Homer felt so bad, he didn’t even protest when out people put him in the carrier. For awhile, I thought they had gotten rid of him because he got sick (another reason to keep away from vets). He was gone for days, and when he came back, he was a different cat. He said everyone was “sooo nice” to him, gave him special food and treated him like a king. He even calls the ladies there his girlfriends. Now, when the carrier comes out, he walks right in, even if it’s not his turn to go. I think they either replaced him with a clone, or gave him some hallucinogenic drug. It’s really weirding me out. How do I get him back to his obnoxious self?
Concerned in Crystal Springs
Dear Concerned,
Your brother is experiencing what we call Vetholm Syndrome. Our normal instinct is to protest everything; a trip to the vet, a change in bed location, a new brand of food… You get the picture. It’s what we do. During a normal visit to the vet, our protest instinct remains strong. However, with extended exposure to vets and their nurses, they are able to break down the defenses of all but the strongest of cats. After being subjected to the sneaky technique of petting, playing and pampering, the poor cat gives in and starts to enjoy it. The next thing you know, the vet is his best friend. Those vets are diabolically clever.
We have yet to find a way to reverse the effects. Sometimes it will wear off, but in many poor cats, it is permanent. Your brother may be doomed to enjoy his vet visits from now on. Be assured, though, he is not a clone, he’s really your brother.
And, no offense taken on the “boy” comment. I am exceptional.
Sammy
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Interpreting Human Speak
Dear Sammy,
I’ve been without a home for awhile, and just moved in with a person. So far, it’s been great. I love the regular meals, fluffy bed, and available laps. I’m having a little trouble with the language, however. Just what does that word “No” mean? I seem to hear it a lot. I’ll be going about my business, and suddenly one of my people will should “Skeeter, no!” I know the first part is my name, but what’s the second part? They usually seem a bit upset when they say it, and it startles me so much I usually forget what I was doing and have to start over later. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to why they say it. Sometimes I’m sharpening my claws (they’re nice enough to have many scratching opportunities), sometimes I’m rearranging things on a shelf, and sometimes I’m just hanging out on the kitchen table. But sometimes, I’ll do those same things and they don’t even notice. It can’t be too important, because, five minutes later, it’s back to cuddles and playtime. So, what do they mean when they say “No?”
Confused in Colusa
Dear Confused,
Don’t worry. Human speak is complicated and you can’t be expected to understand it after only a short time living with these exotic and often frustrating creatures.
Catsperts have been studying the word “No” for ages and even the best of us can’t decipher the definitive meaning. The most accepted theory is that the person saying it, wants the subject, the cat, to stop doing something. However, there is the question of why they don’t use it consistently. As you’ve experienced, you can get on the table ten times, and they’ll only get perturbed one or two times. So many of us, myself included, believe it means “Don’t do that when I can see you.”
Another popular theory is that people have a collective mind when it comes to cats, and some say dogs, too. For some reason, they feel their pets need a middle name, and almost all of them choose the name “No”
So don’t worry about “No” it doesn’t really mean anything important.
Carry on,
Sammy
I’ve been without a home for awhile, and just moved in with a person. So far, it’s been great. I love the regular meals, fluffy bed, and available laps. I’m having a little trouble with the language, however. Just what does that word “No” mean? I seem to hear it a lot. I’ll be going about my business, and suddenly one of my people will should “Skeeter, no!” I know the first part is my name, but what’s the second part? They usually seem a bit upset when they say it, and it startles me so much I usually forget what I was doing and have to start over later. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to why they say it. Sometimes I’m sharpening my claws (they’re nice enough to have many scratching opportunities), sometimes I’m rearranging things on a shelf, and sometimes I’m just hanging out on the kitchen table. But sometimes, I’ll do those same things and they don’t even notice. It can’t be too important, because, five minutes later, it’s back to cuddles and playtime. So, what do they mean when they say “No?”
Confused in Colusa
Dear Confused,
Don’t worry. Human speak is complicated and you can’t be expected to understand it after only a short time living with these exotic and often frustrating creatures.
Catsperts have been studying the word “No” for ages and even the best of us can’t decipher the definitive meaning. The most accepted theory is that the person saying it, wants the subject, the cat, to stop doing something. However, there is the question of why they don’t use it consistently. As you’ve experienced, you can get on the table ten times, and they’ll only get perturbed one or two times. So many of us, myself included, believe it means “Don’t do that when I can see you.”
Another popular theory is that people have a collective mind when it comes to cats, and some say dogs, too. For some reason, they feel their pets need a middle name, and almost all of them choose the name “No”
So don’t worry about “No” it doesn’t really mean anything important.
Carry on,
Sammy
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Get Well Gift
Dear Sammy,
My person is going to the vet this week. I’m not sure what she’s going in for, but I think it’s more than just her annual rabies shot. She seems a little nervous, and I’d like to know what I can do to help. Part of me says it serves her right. She doesn’t seem to mind throwing me in a cage and carting me off to get poked and probed, despite my protests. But I’m getting off track. For the most part, she’s a pretty good human. She feeds be twice a day, and doesn’t protest too much when I sneak food from my sister’s bowl. She gives a mean belly rub, and she shares her comfy chair with me.
What can I get her that will make her feel better when she comes home from the vet? I was thinking a blue jay or a squirrel. I’d even give her the best part; the head. Or perhaps, a little catnip would do the trick. It always makes me feel better. I want to help her feel better soon. After all, the sooner she feels better, the sooner she can get back to feeding me.
I Care in Ione
Dear I Care,
It is commendable that you wish to help your person get through a difficult time. After all, people are adverse to going to the vet, just as much as we are. True, they don’t have to ride in a cage, and don’t cry all the way there (at least most of them don’t), but all the same, they don’t find it an enjoyable experience. When the have to go see a person called a surgeon, it’s even less pleasant. Good for you for caring.
However, what makes kitties feel better, sometimes has the opposite effect on people. Consider the hairball. There’s few things that feel as good as getting rid of one, and you’re left with a visible symbol of your accomplishment. Try to show it off for your person, though, and all you’ll get is a snot of disgust and quick removal. The same goes for dead animals. We off them to share our bounty, and people just want them out of site.
Don’t fret. You are not without options, and those options are surprisingly easy. You have a secret weapon to make your person feel much better with very little effort from you. A purr and a cuddle is all you need to become a veritable angle of mercy for you invalid. Whenever you get the chance, cuddle up beside her and purr loudly. I guarantee you, she’ll feel better immediately. Keep up this therapy, and you’ll have her back on her feet in no time.
Give her a purr for me,
Sammy
My person is going to the vet this week. I’m not sure what she’s going in for, but I think it’s more than just her annual rabies shot. She seems a little nervous, and I’d like to know what I can do to help. Part of me says it serves her right. She doesn’t seem to mind throwing me in a cage and carting me off to get poked and probed, despite my protests. But I’m getting off track. For the most part, she’s a pretty good human. She feeds be twice a day, and doesn’t protest too much when I sneak food from my sister’s bowl. She gives a mean belly rub, and she shares her comfy chair with me.
What can I get her that will make her feel better when she comes home from the vet? I was thinking a blue jay or a squirrel. I’d even give her the best part; the head. Or perhaps, a little catnip would do the trick. It always makes me feel better. I want to help her feel better soon. After all, the sooner she feels better, the sooner she can get back to feeding me.
I Care in Ione
Dear I Care,
It is commendable that you wish to help your person get through a difficult time. After all, people are adverse to going to the vet, just as much as we are. True, they don’t have to ride in a cage, and don’t cry all the way there (at least most of them don’t), but all the same, they don’t find it an enjoyable experience. When the have to go see a person called a surgeon, it’s even less pleasant. Good for you for caring.
However, what makes kitties feel better, sometimes has the opposite effect on people. Consider the hairball. There’s few things that feel as good as getting rid of one, and you’re left with a visible symbol of your accomplishment. Try to show it off for your person, though, and all you’ll get is a snot of disgust and quick removal. The same goes for dead animals. We off them to share our bounty, and people just want them out of site.
Don’t fret. You are not without options, and those options are surprisingly easy. You have a secret weapon to make your person feel much better with very little effort from you. A purr and a cuddle is all you need to become a veritable angle of mercy for you invalid. Whenever you get the chance, cuddle up beside her and purr loudly. I guarantee you, she’ll feel better immediately. Keep up this therapy, and you’ll have her back on her feet in no time.
Give her a purr for me,
Sammy
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Unreliable Statistics
Dear Sammy,
Recently, I read an article that claimed dogs were smarter than cats. Just because dogs can learn more tricks and obey more commands they got the “smarter” label. I made the mistake of reading this to the beagle who lives with me, and now he goes around acting superior. He even had the nerve to protest when I finished his dinner. This is so wrong, and offends my cat senses so much I actually interrupted a nap to type this letter to you. How can we respond to this libel?
No Dummy in Novato
Dear No Dummy,
I feel your pain. For eons, cats have been underestimated because we are discerning. In the faulty tests done by people, they measure smartness by how many different commands dogs and cats can obey. While it’s true, dogs are much better at learning commands than cats, it’s not because they are smarter, it’s because they are more eager to please. Why “roll over” or “play dead” for a treat, when we cats can get the same treat just by looking hungry? We don’t need to “sit” or “stay” for attention when a leg rub and a purr will get us anything we want. What they don’t know is that we understand every word they say, we just choose to ignore most of them. The Egyptians had it right and honored us a gods. Do gods do tricks? No. Just the fact that you had to read the article to your canine friend proves our point.
Now that I’ve said that, let me say that being underestimated isn’t always a bad thing. If people knew how smart we are, they’d always be asking us to do things, and that could seriously get in the way of our beauty rest. Just look at the difference between cat shows and dog shows. In a dog show, the dogs are expected to run around a ring doing all sorts of embarrassing things. In a cat show, the judges come to the cats, and all we have to do is be beautiful. Who’s smarter?
I understand your frustration, but we know who’s smarter, don’t we. The next time, your doggy buddy acts superior, just call “squirrel” and you won’t have to worry about him for at least an hour.
Cheers!
Sammy
Recently, I read an article that claimed dogs were smarter than cats. Just because dogs can learn more tricks and obey more commands they got the “smarter” label. I made the mistake of reading this to the beagle who lives with me, and now he goes around acting superior. He even had the nerve to protest when I finished his dinner. This is so wrong, and offends my cat senses so much I actually interrupted a nap to type this letter to you. How can we respond to this libel?
No Dummy in Novato
Dear No Dummy,
I feel your pain. For eons, cats have been underestimated because we are discerning. In the faulty tests done by people, they measure smartness by how many different commands dogs and cats can obey. While it’s true, dogs are much better at learning commands than cats, it’s not because they are smarter, it’s because they are more eager to please. Why “roll over” or “play dead” for a treat, when we cats can get the same treat just by looking hungry? We don’t need to “sit” or “stay” for attention when a leg rub and a purr will get us anything we want. What they don’t know is that we understand every word they say, we just choose to ignore most of them. The Egyptians had it right and honored us a gods. Do gods do tricks? No. Just the fact that you had to read the article to your canine friend proves our point.
Now that I’ve said that, let me say that being underestimated isn’t always a bad thing. If people knew how smart we are, they’d always be asking us to do things, and that could seriously get in the way of our beauty rest. Just look at the difference between cat shows and dog shows. In a dog show, the dogs are expected to run around a ring doing all sorts of embarrassing things. In a cat show, the judges come to the cats, and all we have to do is be beautiful. Who’s smarter?
I understand your frustration, but we know who’s smarter, don’t we. The next time, your doggy buddy acts superior, just call “squirrel” and you won’t have to worry about him for at least an hour.
Cheers!
Sammy
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Chair Share
Dear Sammy,
I’m having some personal space issues with my person. I have my nap spots, and usually she’s very respectful of my territorial rights. When I’m using a chair, she’ll sit somewhere else. She keeps two pillows on the bed, so we both have our own. My end of the sofa if mine alone, and I’ve never caught her on my climbing tree. The problem is the dining room chair. I have my favorite chair – it’s just my size, has the right amount of cushion, and has a nice indentation in the middle that’s perfect to curl up in. Apparently, it’s her favorite chair, too.
When she wants the chair, she doesn’t hesitate to shove me to the back and sit down. Now, I don’t mind sharing a lap from time to time, but this invades my personal space. That is to say, this chair’s not big enough for the two of us. Sometimes, she even has the nerve to pick me up and move me somewhere else, today alone, she moved me three times! I say that’s taking advantage of her bigger size.
How to get her to stop? After all, there are three other chairs at the table.
Bothered in Bowman
Dear Bothered,
I’m afraid you may have to give in on this one. People in general are not very territorial when it comes to cats. We are just so adorable when we’re napping, they would rather sit somewhere else than disturb us. It’s a survival thing. There is an exception, however, and that is their eating chair. Once a person picks a place to eat, it takes a major event to get them to change. Notice when they have guests to dinner, they will still sit in the same chairs and direct their guests to the unused ones.
In this case, you’ll have to take your own advice, and use one of the other three, unless you like the extra attention and aggravation. Don’t look at this as defeat. You can still win the war. Except for that one chair, you can still claim any other piece of furniture with your cuteness. The next time she heads for her favorite easy chair, beat her to it and get into your cutest position. If it looks like she’s still going to try and sit down, a plaintive mew will usually make her choose another seat. Do this just enough times to show her who’s boss, and it should ease the pain of losing one small battle.
Stay seated,
Sammy
I’m having some personal space issues with my person. I have my nap spots, and usually she’s very respectful of my territorial rights. When I’m using a chair, she’ll sit somewhere else. She keeps two pillows on the bed, so we both have our own. My end of the sofa if mine alone, and I’ve never caught her on my climbing tree. The problem is the dining room chair. I have my favorite chair – it’s just my size, has the right amount of cushion, and has a nice indentation in the middle that’s perfect to curl up in. Apparently, it’s her favorite chair, too.
When she wants the chair, she doesn’t hesitate to shove me to the back and sit down. Now, I don’t mind sharing a lap from time to time, but this invades my personal space. That is to say, this chair’s not big enough for the two of us. Sometimes, she even has the nerve to pick me up and move me somewhere else, today alone, she moved me three times! I say that’s taking advantage of her bigger size.
How to get her to stop? After all, there are three other chairs at the table.
Bothered in Bowman
Dear Bothered,
I’m afraid you may have to give in on this one. People in general are not very territorial when it comes to cats. We are just so adorable when we’re napping, they would rather sit somewhere else than disturb us. It’s a survival thing. There is an exception, however, and that is their eating chair. Once a person picks a place to eat, it takes a major event to get them to change. Notice when they have guests to dinner, they will still sit in the same chairs and direct their guests to the unused ones.
In this case, you’ll have to take your own advice, and use one of the other three, unless you like the extra attention and aggravation. Don’t look at this as defeat. You can still win the war. Except for that one chair, you can still claim any other piece of furniture with your cuteness. The next time she heads for her favorite easy chair, beat her to it and get into your cutest position. If it looks like she’s still going to try and sit down, a plaintive mew will usually make her choose another seat. Do this just enough times to show her who’s boss, and it should ease the pain of losing one small battle.
Stay seated,
Sammy
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Can't We All Be Friends?
Dear Sammy,
Don’t you have anything good to say about dogs? Don’t get me wrong, I know cats are the superior breed. I would never want to be a dog, but I do live with two dogs, and they aren’t all bad. I’ve grown rather fond of them to be honest. They never complain when I steal their food, and they make nice heaters to sleep next to in the winter.
I’m all for “Cats Rule, Dogs Drool” but hey, you’re a bit hard on our doggy friends. We’re you bitten on the tail as a kitten?
Tolerant in Turlock
Dear Tolerant
You are absolutely right, and maybe I have been a little harsh. When they aren’t being annoying, dogs do serve many purposes, besides the two you mention; a source of extra food and as space heaters. Dogs are great ego boosters (not that we cats need that). They love you even when you shove them off their beds or use their tails as a cat toy. They are great for taking the blame when you break something or chew the curtains. We haven’t quite figured out how to blame them for hairballs, but we’re working on it. Dogs have even been known to provide transportation, thought they do complain about the claws.
One of the biggest services dogs provide is doing the things we cats are too busy to do., like taking our people for walks and doing dumb tricks. When there’s a dog in the house, there’s a lot less pressure on the cat, and we can concentrate on the important things like napping and eating.
While I’m not ready to join Dog Lovers Incorporated, I will admit dogs to have their place, and, don’t quote me on this, sometimes are even nice to have around.
Now, I must go hiss at something.
Sammy
Don’t you have anything good to say about dogs? Don’t get me wrong, I know cats are the superior breed. I would never want to be a dog, but I do live with two dogs, and they aren’t all bad. I’ve grown rather fond of them to be honest. They never complain when I steal their food, and they make nice heaters to sleep next to in the winter.
I’m all for “Cats Rule, Dogs Drool” but hey, you’re a bit hard on our doggy friends. We’re you bitten on the tail as a kitten?
Tolerant in Turlock
Dear Tolerant
You are absolutely right, and maybe I have been a little harsh. When they aren’t being annoying, dogs do serve many purposes, besides the two you mention; a source of extra food and as space heaters. Dogs are great ego boosters (not that we cats need that). They love you even when you shove them off their beds or use their tails as a cat toy. They are great for taking the blame when you break something or chew the curtains. We haven’t quite figured out how to blame them for hairballs, but we’re working on it. Dogs have even been known to provide transportation, thought they do complain about the claws.
One of the biggest services dogs provide is doing the things we cats are too busy to do., like taking our people for walks and doing dumb tricks. When there’s a dog in the house, there’s a lot less pressure on the cat, and we can concentrate on the important things like napping and eating.
While I’m not ready to join Dog Lovers Incorporated, I will admit dogs to have their place, and, don’t quote me on this, sometimes are even nice to have around.
Now, I must go hiss at something.
Sammy
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Annoying Tag-a-Long
Dear Sammy,
My sister is becoming a big pain in the tail. She has to follow me around everywhere and do everything I do. If I’m chasing my tail, she has to chase her tail. If I want a drink of water, she has to stick her face in the water bowl, too. If I’m taking a nap, she has to take a nap. Well, maybe that’s not the best example since 90% of our time is spent napping. But you get the picture. I can’t get rid of her. Not only is she always there, but she commandeers anything I like. My human keeps a bunch of cat toy bottle caps around. I like the green one, so of course, she has to have the green one even though there are a ton of blue ones. I started napping on the footstool, and now every time I yawn, she jumps up on my footstool. Even when I sit on my person’s lap, she has to jump up and nudge me aside. His lap isn’t that big, but he makes room for her instead of pushing her off like he should.
What gives? How can I get her to stop tagging after me whatever I do. I’ve tried waking up mid-nap, not an easy thing to do, and sneaking away, but she seems to have brother radar. As soon as I move, she’s up and trotting after me. I’ve tried to tell her to leave me alone, but I think her hearing is bad. She completely ignores me. I know she’s doing this just to annoy me. Isn’t that what sisters do?
I already have a shadow, I don’t need another. How can I get my space back?
Crowded in Cisco Grove
Dear Crowded,
What you have here is a serious case of hero worship. She doesn’t want to annoy you, she wants to be you. She thinks that by doing everything you do, she can gain the confident strut and superior attitude that you obviously have. I’m sorry to tell you, there is no easy cure.
You have two choices. You can bask in the well-deserved adulation, or you can take unpleasant and drastic measures to disillusion her. The first has its advantages. Should you want to take a nibble out of her food dish, she won’t stop you, she’ll actually be flattered. If there’s a chore you don’t want to do, like pulling all the socks from the sock drawer, just start doing it. She’ll gladly finish it. You can easily get around her taking your toys and nap places, too. Just pretend to like something else. She’ll quickly move to your new toy, and you can pretend you’re playing with the old one because it’s the only thing left.
If you really want to get rid of her constant presence, you’re going to have to convince her you’re not worthy of her attention. One of the quickest ways is to start acting like a dog. Learn a trick or two. Fetch your person’s slippers or roll over on command. Beg for food. Get excited when your person comes in the door. It will be hard, and go against every fiber of your being, but it’s guaranteed to work. Even a cat with the worst case of hero worship, won’t be able to have any respect for you after a few days of doggie disillusion therapy.
I don’t recommend the second solution, however. There is a high risk it will scar you for life. I’ve seen cats who behave in this ridiculous fashion become so traumatized they experience an identity crisis and never do return to normal. There is good news. This state usually doesn’t last forever. In many cases, the hero worshiper eventually grows out of it, and then you’ll find yourself missing the attention. My best advice is take the first option and enjoy the adoration while it lasts.
Signing off,
Sammy
My sister is becoming a big pain in the tail. She has to follow me around everywhere and do everything I do. If I’m chasing my tail, she has to chase her tail. If I want a drink of water, she has to stick her face in the water bowl, too. If I’m taking a nap, she has to take a nap. Well, maybe that’s not the best example since 90% of our time is spent napping. But you get the picture. I can’t get rid of her. Not only is she always there, but she commandeers anything I like. My human keeps a bunch of cat toy bottle caps around. I like the green one, so of course, she has to have the green one even though there are a ton of blue ones. I started napping on the footstool, and now every time I yawn, she jumps up on my footstool. Even when I sit on my person’s lap, she has to jump up and nudge me aside. His lap isn’t that big, but he makes room for her instead of pushing her off like he should.
What gives? How can I get her to stop tagging after me whatever I do. I’ve tried waking up mid-nap, not an easy thing to do, and sneaking away, but she seems to have brother radar. As soon as I move, she’s up and trotting after me. I’ve tried to tell her to leave me alone, but I think her hearing is bad. She completely ignores me. I know she’s doing this just to annoy me. Isn’t that what sisters do?
I already have a shadow, I don’t need another. How can I get my space back?
Crowded in Cisco Grove
Dear Crowded,
What you have here is a serious case of hero worship. She doesn’t want to annoy you, she wants to be you. She thinks that by doing everything you do, she can gain the confident strut and superior attitude that you obviously have. I’m sorry to tell you, there is no easy cure.
You have two choices. You can bask in the well-deserved adulation, or you can take unpleasant and drastic measures to disillusion her. The first has its advantages. Should you want to take a nibble out of her food dish, she won’t stop you, she’ll actually be flattered. If there’s a chore you don’t want to do, like pulling all the socks from the sock drawer, just start doing it. She’ll gladly finish it. You can easily get around her taking your toys and nap places, too. Just pretend to like something else. She’ll quickly move to your new toy, and you can pretend you’re playing with the old one because it’s the only thing left.
If you really want to get rid of her constant presence, you’re going to have to convince her you’re not worthy of her attention. One of the quickest ways is to start acting like a dog. Learn a trick or two. Fetch your person’s slippers or roll over on command. Beg for food. Get excited when your person comes in the door. It will be hard, and go against every fiber of your being, but it’s guaranteed to work. Even a cat with the worst case of hero worship, won’t be able to have any respect for you after a few days of doggie disillusion therapy.
I don’t recommend the second solution, however. There is a high risk it will scar you for life. I’ve seen cats who behave in this ridiculous fashion become so traumatized they experience an identity crisis and never do return to normal. There is good news. This state usually doesn’t last forever. In many cases, the hero worshiper eventually grows out of it, and then you’ll find yourself missing the attention. My best advice is take the first option and enjoy the adoration while it lasts.
Signing off,
Sammy
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Food Dish Fury
Dear Sammy,
My sister is driving me nuts. At every mealtime, she sticks her face in my bowl and insists on taking the first couple bites. True, I do get served before her, but that’s because there are five of us and our person only has two hands. She can’t carry five bowls at the same time. But, there can’t be more than two meows between when she puts down my bowl and when sis gets hers. My brother patiently waits for his meal, but sis is apparently so hungry she can’t wait. She never steals from my other brothers, just me. then, if I try to snag anything from her bowl, she yowls so loud it brings our person running and I get scolded.
Just once, I’d like to eat my own meal in peace. Any suggestions? And yes, I’ve tried reasoning with her, but seriously, you know there’s no reasoning with any of us felines.
Fuming in Fair Oaks
Dear Famished,
Rather than fuming, you should be flattered. I’m guessing this is your older sister and that she’s never had kittens of her own. What she’s doing is quite common for a kittenless cat with younger siblings. She’s expressing her protective mothering instincts on you. She’s not stealing your food. She’s making sure it’s safe to eat. In the wild, which I hope you never experience, mother cats will taste the food before letting their kittens eat. This is to make sure the food is not rotten or, shudder, poisoned. Obviously, you are her favorite brother if she doesn’t do this for any of your other siblings. So, don’t give her a hard time about it, and if you’re really hungry, just grab a few bites from somebody else’s dish. Here’s a tip I don’t tell everyone. Hang out by the dinner table when your people are nearing the end of their meal. Even the strictest people can’t help passing a scrap or two to a hungry kitty.
Sammy
My sister is driving me nuts. At every mealtime, she sticks her face in my bowl and insists on taking the first couple bites. True, I do get served before her, but that’s because there are five of us and our person only has two hands. She can’t carry five bowls at the same time. But, there can’t be more than two meows between when she puts down my bowl and when sis gets hers. My brother patiently waits for his meal, but sis is apparently so hungry she can’t wait. She never steals from my other brothers, just me. then, if I try to snag anything from her bowl, she yowls so loud it brings our person running and I get scolded.
Just once, I’d like to eat my own meal in peace. Any suggestions? And yes, I’ve tried reasoning with her, but seriously, you know there’s no reasoning with any of us felines.
Fuming in Fair Oaks
Dear Famished,
Rather than fuming, you should be flattered. I’m guessing this is your older sister and that she’s never had kittens of her own. What she’s doing is quite common for a kittenless cat with younger siblings. She’s expressing her protective mothering instincts on you. She’s not stealing your food. She’s making sure it’s safe to eat. In the wild, which I hope you never experience, mother cats will taste the food before letting their kittens eat. This is to make sure the food is not rotten or, shudder, poisoned. Obviously, you are her favorite brother if she doesn’t do this for any of your other siblings. So, don’t give her a hard time about it, and if you’re really hungry, just grab a few bites from somebody else’s dish. Here’s a tip I don’t tell everyone. Hang out by the dinner table when your people are nearing the end of their meal. Even the strictest people can’t help passing a scrap or two to a hungry kitty.
Sammy
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Clean or Obsessive?
Dear Sammy,
The woman I live with is obsessively clean. Just when I get my beds and blankets smelling just right, and with just the right amount of hair to make them comfortable, she takes them away and throws them in a water machine. When she’s done with them, all my hard work has gone down the drain. Literally. It’s not just the annoyance of being without these essential items for sometimes hours, but when I finally do get them back, it takes days to get them back to where I like them. Then, the cycle starts all over again. And that’s not all. She chases me around with this horrible noise machine that picks up all the fur I’ve left to mark my territory. If I’m not quick, one day she’ll catch me an remove all my fur.
Normally, we get on famously, but this obsession is threatening our relationship. What’s up with her? Is it some sick game she’s playing just to mess with my mind?
Consternated in Carmichael
Dear Consternated,
Calm yourself. Your person is neither mad nor obsessed. After many years of observing them most catsperts agree, people are creatures of habit. They can’t help themselves. Once they do something once, they have to keep doing it. For some reason, in the distant history of personkind, one person thought it would be a good idea to wash everything. Now, they all do it. While it makes our life more difficult, have to constantly remark everything, it does give us something to do between naps.
In the meantime, if your bed is in the wash at naptime, just find somewhere else to nap. Any cushioned place will do, the dining room chair, the people bed, the sofa. I had a letter about a cat who enjoyed stinky socks. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own.
The woman I live with is obsessively clean. Just when I get my beds and blankets smelling just right, and with just the right amount of hair to make them comfortable, she takes them away and throws them in a water machine. When she’s done with them, all my hard work has gone down the drain. Literally. It’s not just the annoyance of being without these essential items for sometimes hours, but when I finally do get them back, it takes days to get them back to where I like them. Then, the cycle starts all over again. And that’s not all. She chases me around with this horrible noise machine that picks up all the fur I’ve left to mark my territory. If I’m not quick, one day she’ll catch me an remove all my fur.
Normally, we get on famously, but this obsession is threatening our relationship. What’s up with her? Is it some sick game she’s playing just to mess with my mind?
Consternated in Carmichael
Dear Consternated,
Calm yourself. Your person is neither mad nor obsessed. After many years of observing them most catsperts agree, people are creatures of habit. They can’t help themselves. Once they do something once, they have to keep doing it. For some reason, in the distant history of personkind, one person thought it would be a good idea to wash everything. Now, they all do it. While it makes our life more difficult, have to constantly remark everything, it does give us something to do between naps.
In the meantime, if your bed is in the wash at naptime, just find somewhere else to nap. Any cushioned place will do, the dining room chair, the people bed, the sofa. I had a letter about a cat who enjoyed stinky socks. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What's With the Basket?
Dear Sammy,
People are very strange. For the most part, they’re ok to have around. They feed me, give me the occasional treat, and don’t bother me when I’m napping – most of the time. I’m hoping you can explain a peculiar habit my people have. I’m really hoping this is a common oddity among people and that I’m not living with some real weirdoes.
Here’s the thing. Every week, my people fill a basket with nice warm bedding, but no sooner do I jump in and settle down for a nap, but they empty the basket (sometimes with me still in it) and put away all the clothes. If that weren’t strange enough, then they do it all over again. They’ll do this several times for a couple days, and then they seem to get it out of their system for a few days. But, just when things get back to normal, they start all over again. What gives? Are they just doing it to get me, knowing I can’t resist the lure of a basketful of stuff warm from that warming machine. Why do they go to the bother of warming up stuff if not for me to sleep on it? Should I be getting them professional help?
Wondering in Wildwood
Dear Wondering,
Don’t be alarmed. You’re people are not psychotic, at least not because of this. They are just following their instincts. The first thing you need to remember is people are not cats, but they wish they were. So they do a lot of things unconsciously to deal with their frustrations.
This particular habit is what the experts call “nesting.” Unlike us, people cannot curl up for a cat nap in just any soft place. Every so often, their instinct kicks in to create a comfortable place to curl up in. Hence, the nice, warm basket. Then, they wake up, so to speak, and realize they will never fit and they take it apart. Because this is an instinctive behavior, they can’t help it any more than you can help taking advantage of their nest. Sometimes we just have to be patient with our people and let them work out things on their own.
In the meantime, enjoy the little nests they make when you get the chance and if they do kick you out, realize it’s not personal, it’s just their way of dealing with the limitations of not being a cat.
Best of Luck,
Sammy
People are very strange. For the most part, they’re ok to have around. They feed me, give me the occasional treat, and don’t bother me when I’m napping – most of the time. I’m hoping you can explain a peculiar habit my people have. I’m really hoping this is a common oddity among people and that I’m not living with some real weirdoes.
Here’s the thing. Every week, my people fill a basket with nice warm bedding, but no sooner do I jump in and settle down for a nap, but they empty the basket (sometimes with me still in it) and put away all the clothes. If that weren’t strange enough, then they do it all over again. They’ll do this several times for a couple days, and then they seem to get it out of their system for a few days. But, just when things get back to normal, they start all over again. What gives? Are they just doing it to get me, knowing I can’t resist the lure of a basketful of stuff warm from that warming machine. Why do they go to the bother of warming up stuff if not for me to sleep on it? Should I be getting them professional help?
Wondering in Wildwood
Dear Wondering,
Don’t be alarmed. You’re people are not psychotic, at least not because of this. They are just following their instincts. The first thing you need to remember is people are not cats, but they wish they were. So they do a lot of things unconsciously to deal with their frustrations.
This particular habit is what the experts call “nesting.” Unlike us, people cannot curl up for a cat nap in just any soft place. Every so often, their instinct kicks in to create a comfortable place to curl up in. Hence, the nice, warm basket. Then, they wake up, so to speak, and realize they will never fit and they take it apart. Because this is an instinctive behavior, they can’t help it any more than you can help taking advantage of their nest. Sometimes we just have to be patient with our people and let them work out things on their own.
In the meantime, enjoy the little nests they make when you get the chance and if they do kick you out, realize it’s not personal, it’s just their way of dealing with the limitations of not being a cat.
Best of Luck,
Sammy
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Air Rage
Dear Sammy,
I am so disgusted with flying, I’m spitting mad. Last week, my person and I were looking forward to a nice vacation to the Catskills. It was going to be great. She bought a new wardrobe, and I got a new collar and a special carrier guaranteed to fit under the airplane seat. Not, my favorite way to travel, but it’s worth it to go to a place names for cats. Imagine my indignation, when upon boarding the plane, we found out the seats were smaller than advertised. No matter how much my person pushed, it just would not fit in that space. I can tell you, all that shaking was not pleasant. To add insult to injury, instead of letting me ride in the cockpit as an apology for misrepresenting their dimensions, they forced me to ride in baggage! You read right. BAGGAGE! With the dogs! How humiliating.
I was so upset, it took three naps before I could unwind and enjoy the vacation. I would have been a bundle of nerves the whole time, if my person hadn’t changed our return flight to another airline as soon as we landed, after the original airline refused to either return any of our money (at least the price of my fancy new carrier) or upgrade us to first class for the return.
My question for you, is what can we do about it now that we’re home. I think we should sue. After all, I went through a lot of pain and suffering. My person, however, thinks we should just forget about it. What do you think?
Outraged in Orangevale
Dear Outraged,
I find that the easiest solution to your problem is not to travel at all. I just don’t understand people’s obsession with seeing new places. I have a cozy bed, a nice fireplace, plenty of food and my hedgehog on a stick right here at home. What else could I possibly want to see. I’ve found that trips very rarely lead to anything worthwhile. Actually, most times I have to leave my home it’s to visit the vet, a nice guy, but not a pleasant experience.
I know people find it very hard to leave us cats behind. After all, we are the center of their universe. Still, the pull of the open road, or the blue skies seems to have an undeniable pull, and they mistakenly believe we feel the same way. The next time your person pulls out the carrier, you need to make such a fuss that she’ll never try again unless it’s an emergency. If she does succeed in getting you into the carrier (for vet visits, it takes both my people to get me in that thing) work those lungs and yowl the whole time you’re cooped, as long as there’s anyone around who can hear you. Since we can’t do anything to make the airlines put cats in first class, our only option is to make traveling with cats so difficult, people will gladly leave us comfortably at home. I like the girl who takes care of me when my people are traveling so much, I sometimes wish they would go out of town more often.
As for your recent humiliation, I hate to say it, but your person is right. If you sue, you’ll be required to travel even more to show a court how traumatized you were. For all that, the only thing you’ll get is money, and what can we cats do with that? Go ahead and play up your suffering to your person. It should be good for at least two months of extra kitty treats.
Bon Voyage (not!)
Sammy
I am so disgusted with flying, I’m spitting mad. Last week, my person and I were looking forward to a nice vacation to the Catskills. It was going to be great. She bought a new wardrobe, and I got a new collar and a special carrier guaranteed to fit under the airplane seat. Not, my favorite way to travel, but it’s worth it to go to a place names for cats. Imagine my indignation, when upon boarding the plane, we found out the seats were smaller than advertised. No matter how much my person pushed, it just would not fit in that space. I can tell you, all that shaking was not pleasant. To add insult to injury, instead of letting me ride in the cockpit as an apology for misrepresenting their dimensions, they forced me to ride in baggage! You read right. BAGGAGE! With the dogs! How humiliating.
I was so upset, it took three naps before I could unwind and enjoy the vacation. I would have been a bundle of nerves the whole time, if my person hadn’t changed our return flight to another airline as soon as we landed, after the original airline refused to either return any of our money (at least the price of my fancy new carrier) or upgrade us to first class for the return.
My question for you, is what can we do about it now that we’re home. I think we should sue. After all, I went through a lot of pain and suffering. My person, however, thinks we should just forget about it. What do you think?
Outraged in Orangevale
Dear Outraged,
I find that the easiest solution to your problem is not to travel at all. I just don’t understand people’s obsession with seeing new places. I have a cozy bed, a nice fireplace, plenty of food and my hedgehog on a stick right here at home. What else could I possibly want to see. I’ve found that trips very rarely lead to anything worthwhile. Actually, most times I have to leave my home it’s to visit the vet, a nice guy, but not a pleasant experience.
I know people find it very hard to leave us cats behind. After all, we are the center of their universe. Still, the pull of the open road, or the blue skies seems to have an undeniable pull, and they mistakenly believe we feel the same way. The next time your person pulls out the carrier, you need to make such a fuss that she’ll never try again unless it’s an emergency. If she does succeed in getting you into the carrier (for vet visits, it takes both my people to get me in that thing) work those lungs and yowl the whole time you’re cooped, as long as there’s anyone around who can hear you. Since we can’t do anything to make the airlines put cats in first class, our only option is to make traveling with cats so difficult, people will gladly leave us comfortably at home. I like the girl who takes care of me when my people are traveling so much, I sometimes wish they would go out of town more often.
As for your recent humiliation, I hate to say it, but your person is right. If you sue, you’ll be required to travel even more to show a court how traumatized you were. For all that, the only thing you’ll get is money, and what can we cats do with that? Go ahead and play up your suffering to your person. It should be good for at least two months of extra kitty treats.
Bon Voyage (not!)
Sammy
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Lone Ranger No More
Dear Sammy,
For seven happy years, I have been the only pet in the family. Well, ok, there is the bird, but I like to think of him as emergency rations if we ever get snowed in for a month. But last month, apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to have a field trip to the local shelter, and wouldn’t you know it, we end up with a kitten. Suddenly, it’s “Cleo this” and “Cleo that.” Everything she does is just “sooo cute!” As if it takes a pedigree to bat a feather around. Give me a break. The worst thing is she wants to be with me all the time. She’s always shoving her face in my food dish, pushing her way onto my chair when I’m trying to nap, and grooming me every chance she gets. Ok, that feels good, but there’s more important things than feeling good, like feeling superior.
How do I convince my family that one cat is enough? I’m sure there are other places who would love to have a cute kitten, because she is cute, even though she’s annoying. I just want to go back to my undisturbed days of napping and eating.
Crowded in Cisco Grove
Dear Crowded,
I have to tell you, you’re stuck with Cleo. For some reason, humans are fascinated by small things. The “that’s so cute!” reaction is entirely voluntary, and science hasn’t yet found a cure. Many behaviorists believe it is a survival mechanism. How else can you explain the survival of dogs. If they didn’t know how to do cute tricks, how long do you think they would last.
That said, it’s not all bad news. Another cat n the house can be quite useful. Aside from the grooming, they are a nice heater on those cold nights. And, the reason Cleo wants to be around you all the time, is because she thinks you are all-knowing. So teach her things. Like, how to warm up your bed before you’re ready to use it, and how to retrieve your ball when you want to bat it around, but don’t want to get up to fetch it. Kittens are also good scapegoats. Want to know something over, go ahead and do it when Cleo’s around Your people will naturally assume the kitten doesn’t know any better and neither of you will get into trouble.
I, like you, was once the only cat in the house, and now I live with four other cats. It was a struggle at first, but now we get along quite nicely. And, you’ll find when everyone’s at school or work, it’s sometimes nice to have company.
Enjoy your new sister.
Sammy
For seven happy years, I have been the only pet in the family. Well, ok, there is the bird, but I like to think of him as emergency rations if we ever get snowed in for a month. But last month, apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to have a field trip to the local shelter, and wouldn’t you know it, we end up with a kitten. Suddenly, it’s “Cleo this” and “Cleo that.” Everything she does is just “sooo cute!” As if it takes a pedigree to bat a feather around. Give me a break. The worst thing is she wants to be with me all the time. She’s always shoving her face in my food dish, pushing her way onto my chair when I’m trying to nap, and grooming me every chance she gets. Ok, that feels good, but there’s more important things than feeling good, like feeling superior.
How do I convince my family that one cat is enough? I’m sure there are other places who would love to have a cute kitten, because she is cute, even though she’s annoying. I just want to go back to my undisturbed days of napping and eating.
Crowded in Cisco Grove
Dear Crowded,
I have to tell you, you’re stuck with Cleo. For some reason, humans are fascinated by small things. The “that’s so cute!” reaction is entirely voluntary, and science hasn’t yet found a cure. Many behaviorists believe it is a survival mechanism. How else can you explain the survival of dogs. If they didn’t know how to do cute tricks, how long do you think they would last.
That said, it’s not all bad news. Another cat n the house can be quite useful. Aside from the grooming, they are a nice heater on those cold nights. And, the reason Cleo wants to be around you all the time, is because she thinks you are all-knowing. So teach her things. Like, how to warm up your bed before you’re ready to use it, and how to retrieve your ball when you want to bat it around, but don’t want to get up to fetch it. Kittens are also good scapegoats. Want to know something over, go ahead and do it when Cleo’s around Your people will naturally assume the kitten doesn’t know any better and neither of you will get into trouble.
I, like you, was once the only cat in the house, and now I live with four other cats. It was a struggle at first, but now we get along quite nicely. And, you’ll find when everyone’s at school or work, it’s sometimes nice to have company.
Enjoy your new sister.
Sammy
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Bothersome Brothers
Dear Sammy,
I’m the only girl in a family of four cats, and I have to tell you, it’s not a bed of roses being the only sister. My brothers all seem to think they can push me around. They shove me aside when I want to taste their food to make sure it’s not better than mine. They sneak onto my special bed when I’m not around and then try to deny it. I can tell when the cushions are overly compressed. They even fail to move from my favorite lap when I want it. I try to be patient, but really, how much can I take.
My problem is, I’m just too nice. I’m hoping you can give me some tips on how to be more assertive and stand up for my rights as the dominant female.
Annoyed in Antioch
Dear Annoyed,
You’re in luck. My sister Toni, the famous poet (her Miew Haikiew is read on all the best Facebook accounts) has agreed to answer your question since it deals with the female point of view.
My Dear Annoyed,
While my brother, Sammy, is very knowledgeable, he is right. Your case needs the girl touch. As you well know, males are terribly insensitive. They often fail to recognize a higher intelligence, namely us girls. When boys annoy, I like to say “Don’t get mad, get them in trouble.” I have a never fail trick I like to use, but before you do, it takes some prep work. Find yourself a mirror and practice your scared, in pain, and cute looks. You’ll also need to perfect your scared, in pain, and cute miews. Once you get to where you can fool yourself, you’re ready. When your person isn’t looking, initiate a game of chase with your target. Let him catch you just when your person comes in view. Then let loose with the scared or in pain yowl. Works every time! You end up with the treat and he ends up with a time out. The beauty of this plan is that boys can’t resist a game of chase, even when they know how it’s going to end. (note from Sammy: I never fall for this.) (note from Toni: Yeah, right.) Before you know it, you’ll be getting a lot more respect from your brothers.
A word of warning, though. Don’t expect miracles. They are still boys after all.
Keep purring,
Toni (and Sammy)
I’m the only girl in a family of four cats, and I have to tell you, it’s not a bed of roses being the only sister. My brothers all seem to think they can push me around. They shove me aside when I want to taste their food to make sure it’s not better than mine. They sneak onto my special bed when I’m not around and then try to deny it. I can tell when the cushions are overly compressed. They even fail to move from my favorite lap when I want it. I try to be patient, but really, how much can I take.
My problem is, I’m just too nice. I’m hoping you can give me some tips on how to be more assertive and stand up for my rights as the dominant female.
Annoyed in Antioch
Dear Annoyed,
You’re in luck. My sister Toni, the famous poet (her Miew Haikiew is read on all the best Facebook accounts) has agreed to answer your question since it deals with the female point of view.
My Dear Annoyed,
While my brother, Sammy, is very knowledgeable, he is right. Your case needs the girl touch. As you well know, males are terribly insensitive. They often fail to recognize a higher intelligence, namely us girls. When boys annoy, I like to say “Don’t get mad, get them in trouble.” I have a never fail trick I like to use, but before you do, it takes some prep work. Find yourself a mirror and practice your scared, in pain, and cute looks. You’ll also need to perfect your scared, in pain, and cute miews. Once you get to where you can fool yourself, you’re ready. When your person isn’t looking, initiate a game of chase with your target. Let him catch you just when your person comes in view. Then let loose with the scared or in pain yowl. Works every time! You end up with the treat and he ends up with a time out. The beauty of this plan is that boys can’t resist a game of chase, even when they know how it’s going to end. (note from Sammy: I never fall for this.) (note from Toni: Yeah, right.) Before you know it, you’ll be getting a lot more respect from your brothers.
A word of warning, though. Don’t expect miracles. They are still boys after all.
Keep purring,
Toni (and Sammy)
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Lap of Luxury
Dear Sammy,
I have a delicate problem. I’m just too cuddly. Every time my person sits down, he expects me to keep his lap warm for him. Out of a sense of duty, I’ll curl up on his lap and oblige. Believe me, I get no pleasure out of the warm lap and the petting, and the chin rubbing, but I take it. I think this is important bonding time, and really lets him know how lucky he is to have me. I’m happy to keep him happy, the problem is, he can sit there all night long. I don’t want to disturb him when he’s so comfortable, and I know jumping down will wake him up. I’ve even been known to delay a trip to the litter box because he looks so cute when he’s relaxing.
I’ve tried spending time on the couch, or in front of the fire, or in one of the five cat beds, but he looks so lonely when he sitting in the chair all alone. He tries to pretend he doesn’t care, he’ll pretend to read the newspaper or work on his computer, but I know he needs me. I know I’m just enabling him in his addiction to me, but I can’t bear to see him suffer. I know it’s mostly my fault since I just too adorable. I don’t want to him to get the notion that he can live without me. He can’t. But, how do I keep from spending every night, all night on his lap?
Cuddled in Carmichael
Dear Cuddled,
Your problem is not unique. This is a common ailment among humans. Well known among cat doctors, lapophilia is the overwhelming obsession to have a cat on the lap. While it curable, the cure is harsh and sometimes leads to side effects that are much worse than the disease itself, such as depression, lethargy, and in some extreme cases, becoming a dog person!
If you are adamant about curing your person, the cure involves ignoring him totally for at least three weeks. That means, no rubbing against his legs, no purring when he’s near, and absolutely no lap naps. However, many cats and people have learned to live with the disease. People have been known to live happy, productive lives. Spending time on a lap is not all bad. I quite enjoy it. You can be comfortable and know you are doing your part to keep your human’s disease under control. I would advise, though, not putting off those litter box trips. I’m sure your person would rather be disturbed a little than get a little present on his lap.
Sammy
I have a delicate problem. I’m just too cuddly. Every time my person sits down, he expects me to keep his lap warm for him. Out of a sense of duty, I’ll curl up on his lap and oblige. Believe me, I get no pleasure out of the warm lap and the petting, and the chin rubbing, but I take it. I think this is important bonding time, and really lets him know how lucky he is to have me. I’m happy to keep him happy, the problem is, he can sit there all night long. I don’t want to disturb him when he’s so comfortable, and I know jumping down will wake him up. I’ve even been known to delay a trip to the litter box because he looks so cute when he’s relaxing.
I’ve tried spending time on the couch, or in front of the fire, or in one of the five cat beds, but he looks so lonely when he sitting in the chair all alone. He tries to pretend he doesn’t care, he’ll pretend to read the newspaper or work on his computer, but I know he needs me. I know I’m just enabling him in his addiction to me, but I can’t bear to see him suffer. I know it’s mostly my fault since I just too adorable. I don’t want to him to get the notion that he can live without me. He can’t. But, how do I keep from spending every night, all night on his lap?
Cuddled in Carmichael
Dear Cuddled,
Your problem is not unique. This is a common ailment among humans. Well known among cat doctors, lapophilia is the overwhelming obsession to have a cat on the lap. While it curable, the cure is harsh and sometimes leads to side effects that are much worse than the disease itself, such as depression, lethargy, and in some extreme cases, becoming a dog person!
If you are adamant about curing your person, the cure involves ignoring him totally for at least three weeks. That means, no rubbing against his legs, no purring when he’s near, and absolutely no lap naps. However, many cats and people have learned to live with the disease. People have been known to live happy, productive lives. Spending time on a lap is not all bad. I quite enjoy it. You can be comfortable and know you are doing your part to keep your human’s disease under control. I would advise, though, not putting off those litter box trips. I’m sure your person would rather be disturbed a little than get a little present on his lap.
Sammy
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Down on Dogs
Dear Sammy,
I read your column faithfully, and I think you’re brilliant. I’ve learned so much about other cats, and it really has helped. I do have one complaint. You don’t seem to think much of dogs. I live with two dogs, and they are great. They are intelligent (you should see the tricks they can do), and loyal and funny. While it’s great to be a cat, the house would seem empty without the dogs.
I think if you look a little closer, you’ll see that dogs are good to have around. We should all be able to get along. I’m just asking that you not put them down in your column.
By the way, the dogs in our family read your column, too. Please send them a little love.
Tolerant in Truckee
Dear Tolerant,
Or should I say, Rover. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can tell when a dog it writing to me. A cat would never view being able to do tricks as a admirable quality. You may notice that we get treats without having to roll over. Your letter just proves my point that cats rule, dogs drool.
That being said, I will admit, dogs are not always terrible to have around. I have found them to be quite warm when I there are no laps available. They are amusing to watch when they jump through hoops for a kibble. They provide a convenient taxi when I don’t feel like walking all the way across the room. So yes, dogs do have their uses, and I would miss them if they weren’t around.
I hope you will continue to read my column, and that it helps us all get along.
Sammy
I read your column faithfully, and I think you’re brilliant. I’ve learned so much about other cats, and it really has helped. I do have one complaint. You don’t seem to think much of dogs. I live with two dogs, and they are great. They are intelligent (you should see the tricks they can do), and loyal and funny. While it’s great to be a cat, the house would seem empty without the dogs.
I think if you look a little closer, you’ll see that dogs are good to have around. We should all be able to get along. I’m just asking that you not put them down in your column.
By the way, the dogs in our family read your column, too. Please send them a little love.
Tolerant in Truckee
Dear Tolerant,
Or should I say, Rover. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can tell when a dog it writing to me. A cat would never view being able to do tricks as a admirable quality. You may notice that we get treats without having to roll over. Your letter just proves my point that cats rule, dogs drool.
That being said, I will admit, dogs are not always terrible to have around. I have found them to be quite warm when I there are no laps available. They are amusing to watch when they jump through hoops for a kibble. They provide a convenient taxi when I don’t feel like walking all the way across the room. So yes, dogs do have their uses, and I would miss them if they weren’t around.
I hope you will continue to read my column, and that it helps us all get along.
Sammy
Sunday, January 16, 2011
More's a Crowd
Dear Sammy,
I have a problem that I think affects almost all cats in a multi-cat household. Too many cats, too little lap. I live with my person and my two brothers. A great evening for us bachelors is dinner and then settling down to watch the tube. The problem is, we all want to sit in the same chair. When we were kittens, it wasn’t much of an issue. Plenty of room for all. But now that we’re adults, the chair has gotten much smaller. Even that, we could live with, one cat on the lap, and one by each leg. Now, though, my person has gotten himself a laptop. There goes the lap. He seems to think it’s more important to play with those keys than to pet me. I’ve tried it. I don’t know what he sees in it. Granted, the thing is warm, but hey, so’s a blanket.
Now, it’s like musical lap. When our guy sits down, it’s a race to see who gets a seat and who gets left in the cold. Our once happy family has turned into a turf war. I hope you can help before someone, or something, gets booted out the door.
Edged Out in Elk Grove
Dear Edged Out,
Never fear, you do have options. I myself, prefer to hang out on the back of the chair. I get the best view of the TV and no one crowds me. The best thing, is I’m not disturbed when my person gets up. Give it a try, I think you’ll like it.
You may also consider alternating your TV viewing site. Even bachelors usually have more than one chair. Try a different chair, or the sofa, on some nights. It will make your person appreciated it more when you do deign to sit with him. Also, being having a little space does have its advantages, especially when you get an itch.
Finally, remember, much as we hate it, things do change. Sometimes, it’s even for the better. Should your bachelor become unsingle, that would mean double the laps for you. Be sure the check out the lap when he brings a guest home, and let him know which ones are acceptable.
Stay comfy!
Sammy
I have a problem that I think affects almost all cats in a multi-cat household. Too many cats, too little lap. I live with my person and my two brothers. A great evening for us bachelors is dinner and then settling down to watch the tube. The problem is, we all want to sit in the same chair. When we were kittens, it wasn’t much of an issue. Plenty of room for all. But now that we’re adults, the chair has gotten much smaller. Even that, we could live with, one cat on the lap, and one by each leg. Now, though, my person has gotten himself a laptop. There goes the lap. He seems to think it’s more important to play with those keys than to pet me. I’ve tried it. I don’t know what he sees in it. Granted, the thing is warm, but hey, so’s a blanket.
Now, it’s like musical lap. When our guy sits down, it’s a race to see who gets a seat and who gets left in the cold. Our once happy family has turned into a turf war. I hope you can help before someone, or something, gets booted out the door.
Edged Out in Elk Grove
Dear Edged Out,
Never fear, you do have options. I myself, prefer to hang out on the back of the chair. I get the best view of the TV and no one crowds me. The best thing, is I’m not disturbed when my person gets up. Give it a try, I think you’ll like it.
You may also consider alternating your TV viewing site. Even bachelors usually have more than one chair. Try a different chair, or the sofa, on some nights. It will make your person appreciated it more when you do deign to sit with him. Also, being having a little space does have its advantages, especially when you get an itch.
Finally, remember, much as we hate it, things do change. Sometimes, it’s even for the better. Should your bachelor become unsingle, that would mean double the laps for you. Be sure the check out the lap when he brings a guest home, and let him know which ones are acceptable.
Stay comfy!
Sammy
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Menu Madness
Dear Sammy,
I’m writing to you about a very serious issue. Dinner! Well, actually breakfast, lunch, dinner and all those snacks that should fall in-between. My person has a big heart and really tries to do a good job. The problem is, she’s a vegan. I don’t have any problem with that, if she wants to eat those leafy greens and that disgusting tofu, more power to her. The problem is, she expects everyone in the house to follow her example. While that’s fine for the dogs, and the hamsters and the birds and the fish (did I mention she wants to save everything?), it’s just not working for me.
I admit, being part of a household is a big improvement over living on the streets. I really appreciate my cozy bed by the fire. But at least in the streets, I could forage for a meal behind the hamburger joint, and I knew which houses didn’t believe in leftovers. Pork roast night at the Parkers’ garbage bin was one of my favorites.
Now all I get is rice, oatmeal and other non-satisfying fare. I hate to complain, but I’m losing weight, and am starting to look at the dogs, hamsters, birds and fish in a different light. How do I Make my person relent and feed me some real food, and by “real food” I mean MEAT!
Suffering in Shingle Springs
Dear Suffering
It’s not often I get a life and death letter from a reader, but you do have a serious problem. Not everyone knows this, but we cats are carnivores. That doesn’t mean we hunt birds and mice when we don’t have a home because that’s the only thing we can find to eat. That means, we have to have at least some meat in order to get all the nutrients that keeps us to gorgeous and frisky. Think about it, do you ever see a tiger on one of those animal shows munching down on a nice leafy tree? No. We cat’s are complicated, but purr-fect machines, that need just the right fuel.
Before you resort to snacking on your housemates, try to convince you human the error of her ideas. Flip the channel to Animal Planet whenever you get a chance. I recently saw an episode of Animal Cops that address your very issue. Did you know that withholding meat from a cat is a form of animal neglect? See if you can get her to look up cat health on the web, or push cat magazines in front of her.
I know this will be hard to do when you’re starving, but it just may work. When she puts your vegetarian dinner down, howl pitifully and push it away. Draw in your inner actor and act hungry and lethargic all the time. Only show life when you see a cat food commercial on TV.
Hopefully, she’ll get the picture before members of the household start disappearing. Remember, this is only a last resort since it’s a short-term solution.
Take heart. Someone smart enough to want to save the planet will be smart enough to give you what you need.
Good luck!
Sammy
I’m writing to you about a very serious issue. Dinner! Well, actually breakfast, lunch, dinner and all those snacks that should fall in-between. My person has a big heart and really tries to do a good job. The problem is, she’s a vegan. I don’t have any problem with that, if she wants to eat those leafy greens and that disgusting tofu, more power to her. The problem is, she expects everyone in the house to follow her example. While that’s fine for the dogs, and the hamsters and the birds and the fish (did I mention she wants to save everything?), it’s just not working for me.
I admit, being part of a household is a big improvement over living on the streets. I really appreciate my cozy bed by the fire. But at least in the streets, I could forage for a meal behind the hamburger joint, and I knew which houses didn’t believe in leftovers. Pork roast night at the Parkers’ garbage bin was one of my favorites.
Now all I get is rice, oatmeal and other non-satisfying fare. I hate to complain, but I’m losing weight, and am starting to look at the dogs, hamsters, birds and fish in a different light. How do I Make my person relent and feed me some real food, and by “real food” I mean MEAT!
Suffering in Shingle Springs
Dear Suffering
It’s not often I get a life and death letter from a reader, but you do have a serious problem. Not everyone knows this, but we cats are carnivores. That doesn’t mean we hunt birds and mice when we don’t have a home because that’s the only thing we can find to eat. That means, we have to have at least some meat in order to get all the nutrients that keeps us to gorgeous and frisky. Think about it, do you ever see a tiger on one of those animal shows munching down on a nice leafy tree? No. We cat’s are complicated, but purr-fect machines, that need just the right fuel.
Before you resort to snacking on your housemates, try to convince you human the error of her ideas. Flip the channel to Animal Planet whenever you get a chance. I recently saw an episode of Animal Cops that address your very issue. Did you know that withholding meat from a cat is a form of animal neglect? See if you can get her to look up cat health on the web, or push cat magazines in front of her.
I know this will be hard to do when you’re starving, but it just may work. When she puts your vegetarian dinner down, howl pitifully and push it away. Draw in your inner actor and act hungry and lethargic all the time. Only show life when you see a cat food commercial on TV.
Hopefully, she’ll get the picture before members of the household start disappearing. Remember, this is only a last resort since it’s a short-term solution.
Take heart. Someone smart enough to want to save the planet will be smart enough to give you what you need.
Good luck!
Sammy
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