Dear Sammy,
I live with a truly weird person. She is cat obsessed. That’s only normal thing about her. I live with seven other cats, and we get along pretty well. We all have our own bed, our own food dish, and even our own litter box. I have no complaints about her care. She’s great. The problem is, she has to have everything she sees that has a cat on it. The house is full of cat blankets, cat tea towels, cat glasses, cat coasters… You get the picture. That’s not weird either. We are fascinating. The problem is her latest acquisition. It’s a cat shaped pitcher, with a tale handle, and you pour out of the mouth. That’s gross, but I could live with it if she didn’t use the cursed thing to fill our milk dishes every day. There’s nothing that will make a cat lose her appetite quicker than seeing another cat spit up in her dish. My person thinks it’s just the cutest thing, but I, and my cat mates, are losing weight because we can’t enjoy our morning milk. We’ve thought of breaking it, but she puts it away in a display case after the morning spit. How can we evict the unwanted new arrival?
Nauseous in North Highlands
Dear Nauseous,
First let me say, ewwww! You are right. The spitty kitty has to go. The person who sold the thing should be banned from retail forever, but you only need to get rid of one. This calls for a well executed operation. You have a small window of opportunity here so you have to be quick and coordinated. The next time she pulls it out, you need to distract her so she has to put it down in a vulnerable spot. Since there are several of you, it should be easy to confuse her if you work together. As she is starting to pour, you take action. One cat pretends to get scared by something and runs away, two others start fighting, another jumps up on the table (if that is off limits), it would be helpful if someone could really spit up (a little palm tree helps here). You get the point. If everyone starts misbehaving in different directions at the same time, she’ll be forced to set down the spitty kitty and go after someone. That’s when your point man takes over. Hopefully, she’ll set it on a counter or table and one swift swipe will send it to ugly pitcher heaven. If she sets it on the ground, and knocking it over doesn’t break it, leave a little gift, if you get my drift, inside. Even if she doesn’t throw it away after that, she’ll never put food in it again.
Sammy
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Damaged Goods
Dear Sammy,
Help quick! My family has gone on vacation and will be back in two days. I need a quick answer. No, my problem isn’t the fact that they went away without asking me, and totally disrupted my routine. They think just because they have someone coming in twice a day to serve me, I’ll forgive them. Wrong. I have a schedule and they have completely messed it up. I know they expect some form of retaliation. The thing is, I may have gone too far. The leaves on the plant will grow back, and there are only a few new scratches on the furniture. But, when I pulled the tablecloth off the table, I didn’t know their fancy crystal vase was up there. I’m afraid it can’t be put back together. Unfortunately, I’m an only cat, no dog to take the blame. I want them to feel bad, not mad.
Nervous in Novato
Dear Nervous,
Two words. Think cute. Even the most insensitive person can’t resist cute. You have two days to practice your best moves. Here are some that work for me. The Sleeping Kitty. For some reason, people find a sleeping cat extremely cute. Maybe it’s the aura of innocence. The Lap & Purr is another good maneuver. People have a hard time being mad at a cat who is snuggled in their lap purring loudly. The key to this one is to pick the softest touch. That’s the person who will defend you if anyone else still wants to be mad. Finally we have the Playful Kitty. Chasing a ball, batting around a toy, and even chasing your tail will elicit oohs and ahhs from your family. No one is sure why, but it may have to do with the fact we sleep a lot, making any activity a surprise. Pick the one you think will work best on your family and practice it. Of course, it the vase had sentimental value, you may want to practice all three.
Help quick! My family has gone on vacation and will be back in two days. I need a quick answer. No, my problem isn’t the fact that they went away without asking me, and totally disrupted my routine. They think just because they have someone coming in twice a day to serve me, I’ll forgive them. Wrong. I have a schedule and they have completely messed it up. I know they expect some form of retaliation. The thing is, I may have gone too far. The leaves on the plant will grow back, and there are only a few new scratches on the furniture. But, when I pulled the tablecloth off the table, I didn’t know their fancy crystal vase was up there. I’m afraid it can’t be put back together. Unfortunately, I’m an only cat, no dog to take the blame. I want them to feel bad, not mad.
Nervous in Novato
Dear Nervous,
Two words. Think cute. Even the most insensitive person can’t resist cute. You have two days to practice your best moves. Here are some that work for me. The Sleeping Kitty. For some reason, people find a sleeping cat extremely cute. Maybe it’s the aura of innocence. The Lap & Purr is another good maneuver. People have a hard time being mad at a cat who is snuggled in their lap purring loudly. The key to this one is to pick the softest touch. That’s the person who will defend you if anyone else still wants to be mad. Finally we have the Playful Kitty. Chasing a ball, batting around a toy, and even chasing your tail will elicit oohs and ahhs from your family. No one is sure why, but it may have to do with the fact we sleep a lot, making any activity a surprise. Pick the one you think will work best on your family and practice it. Of course, it the vase had sentimental value, you may want to practice all three.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Waiting for Good Grub
Dear Sammy,
I’m going nuts trying to communicate with my person. She only feeds me twice a day, and sometimes she’s late. I try giving her gentle reminders, but she completely ignores them. I’ve tried talking to her reasonably, but she just goes “Oh, Smokey, what are you crying about?” If it’s in the morning, I’ll sit on her chest and give her the “get out of bed” look, but she just rolls over and ignores me. Gentle scratches and sometimes not so gentle scratches only seem to annoy her. Nothing results in food in my dish. By the time she gets around to doing her job, she’s cutting into my nap time. I’ve almost run out of options. Any suggestions?
Impatient in Ione
Dear Impatient,
I’ve found that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Not that I need to stoop to eating flies. My publicists is also a very good chef, and very prompt. Of course, flies are fun to chase, but not that tasty. But I digress. Oh yes, how to handle a delinquent person. While it is true, most people live to make their cats happy, there are the few that do not find every feline antic irresistible. Unfortunately, you seem to have found one. Do not despair. Obviously, she had the good sense to get a cat. You just have to be a bit more creative. Show her how much you love her. Forget the claws and think paws. People have ridiculously vulnerable hides, and tend to react badly to friendly scratches. On the other hand, a nice, soft, clawless, paw feels like a nice caress. Another foolproof tactic is what I call The Weave. Rub against your person’s legs as you walk around her. If space permits, weave through her legs. This works best if accompanied by a loud purr. Treat your person like a duchess and she’ll treat you like a queen.
Sammy
I’m going nuts trying to communicate with my person. She only feeds me twice a day, and sometimes she’s late. I try giving her gentle reminders, but she completely ignores them. I’ve tried talking to her reasonably, but she just goes “Oh, Smokey, what are you crying about?” If it’s in the morning, I’ll sit on her chest and give her the “get out of bed” look, but she just rolls over and ignores me. Gentle scratches and sometimes not so gentle scratches only seem to annoy her. Nothing results in food in my dish. By the time she gets around to doing her job, she’s cutting into my nap time. I’ve almost run out of options. Any suggestions?
Impatient in Ione
Dear Impatient,
I’ve found that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Not that I need to stoop to eating flies. My publicists is also a very good chef, and very prompt. Of course, flies are fun to chase, but not that tasty. But I digress. Oh yes, how to handle a delinquent person. While it is true, most people live to make their cats happy, there are the few that do not find every feline antic irresistible. Unfortunately, you seem to have found one. Do not despair. Obviously, she had the good sense to get a cat. You just have to be a bit more creative. Show her how much you love her. Forget the claws and think paws. People have ridiculously vulnerable hides, and tend to react badly to friendly scratches. On the other hand, a nice, soft, clawless, paw feels like a nice caress. Another foolproof tactic is what I call The Weave. Rub against your person’s legs as you walk around her. If space permits, weave through her legs. This works best if accompanied by a loud purr. Treat your person like a duchess and she’ll treat you like a queen.
Sammy
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How to Handle a New Brother
Dear Sammy,
My person brought home a new brother for me the other day. I have to say, he doesn't seem too bright. He doesn't know anything about restraint. At mealtimes, he actually jumps up and down in excitement and then his dish is empty in less than five seconds. I'm sure he's never even heard the word finicky. And that's not all. He follows our person around everywhere, and even sits at the door waiting for him to come home. I've tried to tell him that his actions are sending the wrong message to our person. Soon he'll think he doesn't have to work to earn our love. On top of it all, this new addition is a very funny looking cat. He's kind of clumsy. Maybe he tries so hard because he's not beautiful. What's a big sister to do?
Perplexed in Petaluma
Dear Perplexed,
I hate to break it to you. Your human has brought home a dog! There's really not much you can do to train him to be regal. Dogs just don't have the brain power to grasp the many different ways we cats get our people to do what we want them to. The good news is, dogs are easily manipulated. Be his friend and he'll do anything for you. You can train him to bark when your person is approaching so you can jump off the table without getting caught. He'll play with your person when you don't feel like being cuddled, and when you do, one hiss will send him on his way. With a little work, between naps, you can soon have two servants working for you.
Sammy
My person brought home a new brother for me the other day. I have to say, he doesn't seem too bright. He doesn't know anything about restraint. At mealtimes, he actually jumps up and down in excitement and then his dish is empty in less than five seconds. I'm sure he's never even heard the word finicky. And that's not all. He follows our person around everywhere, and even sits at the door waiting for him to come home. I've tried to tell him that his actions are sending the wrong message to our person. Soon he'll think he doesn't have to work to earn our love. On top of it all, this new addition is a very funny looking cat. He's kind of clumsy. Maybe he tries so hard because he's not beautiful. What's a big sister to do?
Perplexed in Petaluma
Dear Perplexed,
I hate to break it to you. Your human has brought home a dog! There's really not much you can do to train him to be regal. Dogs just don't have the brain power to grasp the many different ways we cats get our people to do what we want them to. The good news is, dogs are easily manipulated. Be his friend and he'll do anything for you. You can train him to bark when your person is approaching so you can jump off the table without getting caught. He'll play with your person when you don't feel like being cuddled, and when you do, one hiss will send him on his way. With a little work, between naps, you can soon have two servants working for you.
Sammy
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