Unreliable Statistics

Dear Sammy,

Recently, I read an article that claimed dogs were smarter than cats. Just because dogs can learn more tricks and obey more commands they got the “smarter” label. I made the mistake of reading this to the beagle who lives with me, and now he goes around acting superior. He even had the nerve to protest when I finished his dinner. This is so wrong, and offends my cat senses so much I actually interrupted a nap to type this letter to you. How can we respond to this libel?

No Dummy in Novato

Dear No Dummy,

I feel your pain. For eons, cats have been underestimated because we are discerning. In the faulty tests done by people, they measure smartness by how many different commands dogs and cats can obey. While it’s true, dogs are much better at learning commands than cats, it’s not because they are smarter, it’s because they are more eager to please. Why “roll over” or “play dead” for a treat, when we cats can get the same treat just by looking hungry? We don’t need to “sit” or “stay” for attention when a leg rub and a purr will get us anything we want. What they don’t know is that we understand every word they say, we just choose to ignore most of them. The Egyptians had it right and honored us a gods. Do gods do tricks? No. Just the fact that you had to read the article to your canine friend proves our point.

Now that I’ve said that, let me say that being underestimated isn’t always a bad thing. If people knew how smart we are, they’d always be asking us to do things, and that could seriously get in the way of our beauty rest. Just look at the difference between cat shows and dog shows. In a dog show, the dogs are expected to run around a ring doing all sorts of embarrassing things. In a cat show, the judges come to the cats, and all we have to do is be beautiful. Who’s smarter?

I understand your frustration, but we know who’s smarter, don’t we. The next time, your doggy buddy acts superior, just call “squirrel” and you won’t have to worry about him for at least an hour.

Cheers!

Sammy