Air Rage

Dear Sammy,

I am so disgusted with flying, I’m spitting mad. Last week, my person and I were looking forward to a nice vacation to the Catskills. It was going to be great. She bought a new wardrobe, and I got a new collar and a special carrier guaranteed to fit under the airplane seat. Not, my favorite way to travel, but it’s worth it to go to a place names for cats. Imagine my indignation, when upon boarding the plane, we found out the seats were smaller than advertised. No matter how much my person pushed, it just would not fit in that space. I can tell you, all that shaking was not pleasant. To add insult to injury, instead of letting me ride in the cockpit as an apology for misrepresenting their dimensions, they forced me to ride in baggage! You read right. BAGGAGE! With the dogs! How humiliating.

I was so upset, it took three naps before I could unwind and enjoy the vacation. I would have been a bundle of nerves the whole time, if my person hadn’t changed our return flight to another airline as soon as we landed, after the original airline refused to either return any of our money (at least the price of my fancy new carrier) or upgrade us to first class for the return.

My question for you, is what can we do about it now that we’re home. I think we should sue. After all, I went through a lot of pain and suffering. My person, however, thinks we should just forget about it. What do you think?

Outraged in Orangevale

Dear Outraged,

I find that the easiest solution to your problem is not to travel at all. I just don’t understand people’s obsession with seeing new places. I have a cozy bed, a nice fireplace, plenty of food and my hedgehog on a stick right here at home. What else could I possibly want to see. I’ve found that trips very rarely lead to anything worthwhile. Actually, most times I have to leave my home it’s to visit the vet, a nice guy, but not a pleasant experience.

I know people find it very hard to leave us cats behind. After all, we are the center of their universe. Still, the pull of the open road, or the blue skies seems to have an undeniable pull, and they mistakenly believe we feel the same way. The next time your person pulls out the carrier, you need to make such a fuss that she’ll never try again unless it’s an emergency. If she does succeed in getting you into the carrier (for vet visits, it takes both my people to get me in that thing) work those lungs and yowl the whole time you’re cooped, as long as there’s anyone around who can hear you. Since we can’t do anything to make the airlines put cats in first class, our only option is to make traveling with cats so difficult, people will gladly leave us comfortably at home. I like the girl who takes care of me when my people are traveling so much, I sometimes wish they would go out of town more often.

As for your recent humiliation, I hate to say it, but your person is right. If you sue, you’ll be required to travel even more to show a court how traumatized you were. For all that, the only thing you’ll get is money, and what can we cats do with that? Go ahead and play up your suffering to your person. It should be good for at least two months of extra kitty treats.

Bon Voyage (not!)

Sammy