Air Rage

Dear Sammy,

I am so disgusted with flying, I’m spitting mad. Last week, my person and I were looking forward to a nice vacation to the Catskills. It was going to be great. She bought a new wardrobe, and I got a new collar and a special carrier guaranteed to fit under the airplane seat. Not, my favorite way to travel, but it’s worth it to go to a place names for cats. Imagine my indignation, when upon boarding the plane, we found out the seats were smaller than advertised. No matter how much my person pushed, it just would not fit in that space. I can tell you, all that shaking was not pleasant. To add insult to injury, instead of letting me ride in the cockpit as an apology for misrepresenting their dimensions, they forced me to ride in baggage! You read right. BAGGAGE! With the dogs! How humiliating.

I was so upset, it took three naps before I could unwind and enjoy the vacation. I would have been a bundle of nerves the whole time, if my person hadn’t changed our return flight to another airline as soon as we landed, after the original airline refused to either return any of our money (at least the price of my fancy new carrier) or upgrade us to first class for the return.

My question for you, is what can we do about it now that we’re home. I think we should sue. After all, I went through a lot of pain and suffering. My person, however, thinks we should just forget about it. What do you think?

Outraged in Orangevale

Dear Outraged,

I find that the easiest solution to your problem is not to travel at all. I just don’t understand people’s obsession with seeing new places. I have a cozy bed, a nice fireplace, plenty of food and my hedgehog on a stick right here at home. What else could I possibly want to see. I’ve found that trips very rarely lead to anything worthwhile. Actually, most times I have to leave my home it’s to visit the vet, a nice guy, but not a pleasant experience.

I know people find it very hard to leave us cats behind. After all, we are the center of their universe. Still, the pull of the open road, or the blue skies seems to have an undeniable pull, and they mistakenly believe we feel the same way. The next time your person pulls out the carrier, you need to make such a fuss that she’ll never try again unless it’s an emergency. If she does succeed in getting you into the carrier (for vet visits, it takes both my people to get me in that thing) work those lungs and yowl the whole time you’re cooped, as long as there’s anyone around who can hear you. Since we can’t do anything to make the airlines put cats in first class, our only option is to make traveling with cats so difficult, people will gladly leave us comfortably at home. I like the girl who takes care of me when my people are traveling so much, I sometimes wish they would go out of town more often.

As for your recent humiliation, I hate to say it, but your person is right. If you sue, you’ll be required to travel even more to show a court how traumatized you were. For all that, the only thing you’ll get is money, and what can we cats do with that? Go ahead and play up your suffering to your person. It should be good for at least two months of extra kitty treats.

Bon Voyage (not!)

Sammy

Lone Ranger No More

Dear Sammy,

For seven happy years, I have been the only pet in the family. Well, ok, there is the bird, but I like to think of him as emergency rations if we ever get snowed in for a month. But last month, apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to have a field trip to the local shelter, and wouldn’t you know it, we end up with a kitten. Suddenly, it’s “Cleo this” and “Cleo that.” Everything she does is just “sooo cute!” As if it takes a pedigree to bat a feather around. Give me a break. The worst thing is she wants to be with me all the time. She’s always shoving her face in my food dish, pushing her way onto my chair when I’m trying to nap, and grooming me every chance she gets. Ok, that feels good, but there’s more important things than feeling good, like feeling superior.

How do I convince my family that one cat is enough? I’m sure there are other places who would love to have a cute kitten, because she is cute, even though she’s annoying. I just want to go back to my undisturbed days of napping and eating.

Crowded in Cisco Grove

Dear Crowded,

I have to tell you, you’re stuck with Cleo. For some reason, humans are fascinated by small things. The “that’s so cute!” reaction is entirely voluntary, and science hasn’t yet found a cure. Many behaviorists believe it is a survival mechanism. How else can you explain the survival of dogs. If they didn’t know how to do cute tricks, how long do you think they would last.

That said, it’s not all bad news. Another cat n the house can be quite useful. Aside from the grooming, they are a nice heater on those cold nights. And, the reason Cleo wants to be around you all the time, is because she thinks you are all-knowing. So teach her things. Like, how to warm up your bed before you’re ready to use it, and how to retrieve your ball when you want to bat it around, but don’t want to get up to fetch it. Kittens are also good scapegoats. Want to know something over, go ahead and do it when Cleo’s around Your people will naturally assume the kitten doesn’t know any better and neither of you will get into trouble.

I, like you, was once the only cat in the house, and now I live with four other cats. It was a struggle at first, but now we get along quite nicely. And, you’ll find when everyone’s at school or work, it’s sometimes nice to have company.

Enjoy your new sister.

Sammy

Bothersome Brothers

Dear Sammy,

I’m the only girl in a family of four cats, and I have to tell you, it’s not a bed of roses being the only sister. My brothers all seem to think they can push me around. They shove me aside when I want to taste their food to make sure it’s not better than mine. They sneak onto my special bed when I’m not around and then try to deny it. I can tell when the cushions are overly compressed. They even fail to move from my favorite lap when I want it. I try to be patient, but really, how much can I take.

My problem is, I’m just too nice. I’m hoping you can give me some tips on how to be more assertive and stand up for my rights as the dominant female.

Annoyed in Antioch

Dear Annoyed,

You’re in luck. My sister Toni, the famous poet (her Miew Haikiew is read on all the best Facebook accounts) has agreed to answer your question since it deals with the female point of view.

My Dear Annoyed,

While my brother, Sammy, is very knowledgeable, he is right. Your case needs the girl touch. As you well know, males are terribly insensitive. They often fail to recognize a higher intelligence, namely us girls. When boys annoy, I like to say “Don’t get mad, get them in trouble.” I have a never fail trick I like to use, but before you do, it takes some prep work. Find yourself a mirror and practice your scared, in pain, and cute looks. You’ll also need to perfect your scared, in pain, and cute miews. Once you get to where you can fool yourself, you’re ready. When your person isn’t looking, initiate a game of chase with your target. Let him catch you just when your person comes in view. Then let loose with the scared or in pain yowl. Works every time! You end up with the treat and he ends up with a time out. The beauty of this plan is that boys can’t resist a game of chase, even when they know how it’s going to end. (note from Sammy: I never fall for this.) (note from Toni: Yeah, right.) Before you know it, you’ll be getting a lot more respect from your brothers.

A word of warning, though. Don’t expect miracles. They are still boys after all.

Keep purring,

Toni (and Sammy)

The Lap of Luxury

Dear Sammy,

I have a delicate problem. I’m just too cuddly. Every time my person sits down, he expects me to keep his lap warm for him. Out of a sense of duty, I’ll curl up on his lap and oblige. Believe me, I get no pleasure out of the warm lap and the petting, and the chin rubbing, but I take it. I think this is important bonding time, and really lets him know how lucky he is to have me. I’m happy to keep him happy, the problem is, he can sit there all night long. I don’t want to disturb him when he’s so comfortable, and I know jumping down will wake him up. I’ve even been known to delay a trip to the litter box because he looks so cute when he’s relaxing.

I’ve tried spending time on the couch, or in front of the fire, or in one of the five cat beds, but he looks so lonely when he sitting in the chair all alone. He tries to pretend he doesn’t care, he’ll pretend to read the newspaper or work on his computer, but I know he needs me. I know I’m just enabling him in his addiction to me, but I can’t bear to see him suffer. I know it’s mostly my fault since I just too adorable. I don’t want to him to get the notion that he can live without me. He can’t. But, how do I keep from spending every night, all night on his lap?

Cuddled in Carmichael

Dear Cuddled,

Your problem is not unique. This is a common ailment among humans. Well known among cat doctors, lapophilia is the overwhelming obsession to have a cat on the lap. While it curable, the cure is harsh and sometimes leads to side effects that are much worse than the disease itself, such as depression, lethargy, and in some extreme cases, becoming a dog person!

If you are adamant about curing your person, the cure involves ignoring him totally for at least three weeks. That means, no rubbing against his legs, no purring when he’s near, and absolutely no lap naps. However, many cats and people have learned to live with the disease. People have been known to live happy, productive lives. Spending time on a lap is not all bad. I quite enjoy it. You can be comfortable and know you are doing your part to keep your human’s disease under control. I would advise, though, not putting off those litter box trips. I’m sure your person would rather be disturbed a little than get a little present on his lap.

Sammy

Down on Dogs

Dear Sammy,

I read your column faithfully, and I think you’re brilliant. I’ve learned so much about other cats, and it really has helped. I do have one complaint. You don’t seem to think much of dogs. I live with two dogs, and they are great. They are intelligent (you should see the tricks they can do), and loyal and funny. While it’s great to be a cat, the house would seem empty without the dogs.

I think if you look a little closer, you’ll see that dogs are good to have around. We should all be able to get along. I’m just asking that you not put them down in your column.

By the way, the dogs in our family read your column, too. Please send them a little love.

Tolerant in Truckee


Dear Tolerant,

Or should I say, Rover. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can tell when a dog it writing to me. A cat would never view being able to do tricks as a admirable quality. You may notice that we get treats without having to roll over. Your letter just proves my point that cats rule, dogs drool.

That being said, I will admit, dogs are not always terrible to have around. I have found them to be quite warm when I there are no laps available. They are amusing to watch when they jump through hoops for a kibble. They provide a convenient taxi when I don’t feel like walking all the way across the room. So yes, dogs do have their uses, and I would miss them if they weren’t around.

I hope you will continue to read my column, and that it helps us all get along.

Sammy

More's a Crowd

Dear Sammy,

I have a problem that I think affects almost all cats in a multi-cat household. Too many cats, too little lap. I live with my person and my two brothers. A great evening for us bachelors is dinner and then settling down to watch the tube. The problem is, we all want to sit in the same chair. When we were kittens, it wasn’t much of an issue. Plenty of room for all. But now that we’re adults, the chair has gotten much smaller. Even that, we could live with, one cat on the lap, and one by each leg. Now, though, my person has gotten himself a laptop. There goes the lap. He seems to think it’s more important to play with those keys than to pet me. I’ve tried it. I don’t know what he sees in it. Granted, the thing is warm, but hey, so’s a blanket.

Now, it’s like musical lap. When our guy sits down, it’s a race to see who gets a seat and who gets left in the cold. Our once happy family has turned into a turf war. I hope you can help before someone, or something, gets booted out the door.

Edged Out in Elk Grove

Dear Edged Out,

Never fear, you do have options. I myself, prefer to hang out on the back of the chair. I get the best view of the TV and no one crowds me. The best thing, is I’m not disturbed when my person gets up. Give it a try, I think you’ll like it.

You may also consider alternating your TV viewing site. Even bachelors usually have more than one chair. Try a different chair, or the sofa, on some nights. It will make your person appreciated it more when you do deign to sit with him. Also, being having a little space does have its advantages, especially when you get an itch.

Finally, remember, much as we hate it, things do change. Sometimes, it’s even for the better. Should your bachelor become unsingle, that would mean double the laps for you. Be sure the check out the lap when he brings a guest home, and let him know which ones are acceptable.

Stay comfy!

Sammy

Menu Madness

Dear Sammy,

I’m writing to you about a very serious issue. Dinner! Well, actually breakfast, lunch, dinner and all those snacks that should fall in-between. My person has a big heart and really tries to do a good job. The problem is, she’s a vegan. I don’t have any problem with that, if she wants to eat those leafy greens and that disgusting tofu, more power to her. The problem is, she expects everyone in the house to follow her example. While that’s fine for the dogs, and the hamsters and the birds and the fish (did I mention she wants to save everything?), it’s just not working for me.

I admit, being part of a household is a big improvement over living on the streets. I really appreciate my cozy bed by the fire. But at least in the streets, I could forage for a meal behind the hamburger joint, and I knew which houses didn’t believe in leftovers. Pork roast night at the Parkers’ garbage bin was one of my favorites.

Now all I get is rice, oatmeal and other non-satisfying fare. I hate to complain, but I’m losing weight, and am starting to look at the dogs, hamsters, birds and fish in a different light. How do I Make my person relent and feed me some real food, and by “real food” I mean MEAT!

Suffering in Shingle Springs

Dear Suffering

It’s not often I get a life and death letter from a reader, but you do have a serious problem. Not everyone knows this, but we cats are carnivores. That doesn’t mean we hunt birds and mice when we don’t have a home because that’s the only thing we can find to eat. That means, we have to have at least some meat in order to get all the nutrients that keeps us to gorgeous and frisky. Think about it, do you ever see a tiger on one of those animal shows munching down on a nice leafy tree? No. We cat’s are complicated, but purr-fect machines, that need just the right fuel.

Before you resort to snacking on your housemates, try to convince you human the error of her ideas. Flip the channel to Animal Planet whenever you get a chance. I recently saw an episode of Animal Cops that address your very issue. Did you know that withholding meat from a cat is a form of animal neglect? See if you can get her to look up cat health on the web, or push cat magazines in front of her.

I know this will be hard to do when you’re starving, but it just may work. When she puts your vegetarian dinner down, howl pitifully and push it away. Draw in your inner actor and act hungry and lethargic all the time. Only show life when you see a cat food commercial on TV.

Hopefully, she’ll get the picture before members of the household start disappearing. Remember, this is only a last resort since it’s a short-term solution.

Take heart. Someone smart enough to want to save the planet will be smart enough to give you what you need.

Good luck!

Sammy