Dear Sammy,
My person has been sending me some confusing signals. I can go anywhere in the house and he doesn’t say anything. However, the instant I get on the kitchen table, it’s “Hey, get down! Now!” What gives? Obviously there’s something up there I should know about, or why would he want me to keep off? I can’t figure out what it is, though. I’ve given it a thorough investigation, when he’s not home of course, but there’s really nothing interesting up there. I keep checking just to see if he puts something there, like a nice fresh mouse, when I’m not looking, but so far, nothing. The only thing even near interesting on the table is when he eats his meals, but he has weird tastes. Sometimes, he doesn’t even have meat.
I’m just wondering if you can give me any insight about why he thinks the table should be off limits. Oh, and he’s not too pleased when I investigate the kitchen counters either.
Wondering in Wildwood
Dear Wondering,
This is a question that long intrigued me too. I conducted extensive research, at great risk to myself and finally cleared up the mystery of the dining table. You will be surprised at the answer. For some odd reason, people don’t like us cats to walk where they eat or prepare their food. I know. I was shocked by that, but it’s true. After all, do we screech at them when they walk on the floor where we eat? No! For the life of me, I cannot fathom why they would be upset. After all, we are fastidiously clean. It’s not like we’ll give them mad cat disease. Still, sometimes we have to humor our quirky people. For the most part, except for vet visits and forgetting to clean the litter box, they mean well.
My advice to you is to put up with the occasional “Get down!” and try to limit your table excursions to those times when your person is out of the house. You never know when something good might turn up on the table top that would make a satisfying crash when you knock it off. I myself am partial to the clunk his eyeglasses make when hitting the tile. It’s even better when he doesn’t notice and crunches them under foot.
Sammy
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sometimes New is NOT Improved
Dear Sammy,
I debated about whether or not to send this letter because I really love my person and don’t want to complain about her, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried everything I know to communicate with her, but she’s just not fluent in feline. A short time ago, she brought home this “new and improved” cat litter. From what I gather from her broken cat talk, some vet or other “expert” said it was better for kitties tushies. I beg to differ. I hate it! It smells funny and feels funnier. Yech! I find myself waiting as long as I can so I can avoid using it. I’ve tried letting her know subtly and not so subtly how I feel, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried to explain it to her rationally, but when I get in her lap, she starts with the brushing and soon I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. I’ve tried kicking the disgusting litter on the floor, but she just sweeps it up. To make matters worse, my brother won’t back me up. He doesn’t see a problem with the new litter. Of course, being a boy, he’s not nearly as sensitive as us girl kitties. He’d go in the dirt and be happy. What am I going to do? My nerves are shot, and I’m getting tired of crossing my legs.
Stymied in San Jose
Dear Stymied,
I feel your pain. I know how disturbing it is when well-intentioned people think they are improving things, when in fact, they are making things worse. But don’t be too upset with your person. She can’t help it. For some reason, people can’t seem to resist those three words “New & Improved!”
Before I get to your options, I do have to take issue with one thing you said. Not all boy cats are insensitive primitives. I, too, am very sensitive to any change, be it litter, food or the detergent used on my velvet cushions. Though this male refinement is limited to the Siamese breed. I am supposing your brother is not of this elegant breed. In that case you are correct in saying boy kitties are not nearly as refined as females.
That out of the way, you do have some options other than holding it indefinitely. If your person is an avid reader of my column (and who is not?) you can bring it to her attention Meow loudly and point to the page should do it. If that doesn’t work, or if the paper is not delivered on that day, you can try some more drastic measures. First, only use the litter box when your person is in hearing distance and sneeze loudly when you do. Hopefully, she will get the idea you are allergic to the new stuff and change it back.
This last measure I advise using only as a last resort as it may result in an unwanted trip to the vet. But if nothing else works, avoid the litter box altogether. No. I don’t mean hold it in forever. Pick something less disgusting to use. For example, you might use the newspaper (unread of course) or try the bedspread. It’s soft and absorbent. As I said though, this is a last resort. If your person doesn’t make the connection, she may think it’s kidney problems. Or worse, if there’s a non-cat person in the house, you may end up an outdoor cat.
Good luck!
Sammy
I debated about whether or not to send this letter because I really love my person and don’t want to complain about her, but I’m at my wits end. I’ve tried everything I know to communicate with her, but she’s just not fluent in feline. A short time ago, she brought home this “new and improved” cat litter. From what I gather from her broken cat talk, some vet or other “expert” said it was better for kitties tushies. I beg to differ. I hate it! It smells funny and feels funnier. Yech! I find myself waiting as long as I can so I can avoid using it. I’ve tried letting her know subtly and not so subtly how I feel, but it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried to explain it to her rationally, but when I get in her lap, she starts with the brushing and soon I’ve forgotten what I was going to say. I’ve tried kicking the disgusting litter on the floor, but she just sweeps it up. To make matters worse, my brother won’t back me up. He doesn’t see a problem with the new litter. Of course, being a boy, he’s not nearly as sensitive as us girl kitties. He’d go in the dirt and be happy. What am I going to do? My nerves are shot, and I’m getting tired of crossing my legs.
Stymied in San Jose
Dear Stymied,
I feel your pain. I know how disturbing it is when well-intentioned people think they are improving things, when in fact, they are making things worse. But don’t be too upset with your person. She can’t help it. For some reason, people can’t seem to resist those three words “New & Improved!”
Before I get to your options, I do have to take issue with one thing you said. Not all boy cats are insensitive primitives. I, too, am very sensitive to any change, be it litter, food or the detergent used on my velvet cushions. Though this male refinement is limited to the Siamese breed. I am supposing your brother is not of this elegant breed. In that case you are correct in saying boy kitties are not nearly as refined as females.
That out of the way, you do have some options other than holding it indefinitely. If your person is an avid reader of my column (and who is not?) you can bring it to her attention Meow loudly and point to the page should do it. If that doesn’t work, or if the paper is not delivered on that day, you can try some more drastic measures. First, only use the litter box when your person is in hearing distance and sneeze loudly when you do. Hopefully, she will get the idea you are allergic to the new stuff and change it back.
This last measure I advise using only as a last resort as it may result in an unwanted trip to the vet. But if nothing else works, avoid the litter box altogether. No. I don’t mean hold it in forever. Pick something less disgusting to use. For example, you might use the newspaper (unread of course) or try the bedspread. It’s soft and absorbent. As I said though, this is a last resort. If your person doesn’t make the connection, she may think it’s kidney problems. Or worse, if there’s a non-cat person in the house, you may end up an outdoor cat.
Good luck!
Sammy
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Case of the Classless Cat
Dear Sammy,
I’m very worried about my brother, let’s call him “Augustus.” He seems unable to form a normal relationship with other cats, namely me, his loving sister. Instead of doing what I tell him to, he prefers to play with dirty laundry. It is so embarrassing! It’s bad enough that he frolics in the laundry room (he can’t even wait for the good, clean stuff). He has to pull clothes out of the “before” basket and play with them. Wait, it get worse, if you can believe it. He doesn’t even go for the nice girl things, but seems distressingly enamored with the smelly boy socks and underpants. Eew! The other day, I nearly died. My person’s parents were visiting, and out comes Cae… oops, I mean, Augustus with, no I can’t say it, a pair of stinking underpants on his head. I love my brother, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried encouraging him to run sneak out the door when no one’s looking, but for some reason, my people always track him down and bring him back. Maybe they feel sorry for him. I know they’re just as embarrassed by him as I am. Can you recommend a good home for classless cats?
Scandalized in Scotts Valley
Dear Scandalized,
My dear girl, I understand your concerns completely. While it is true, most cats are just naturally sophisticated, there is a rare condition known as Bonehead Syndrome that affects about one in 1 million cats, and causes them to act more like dogs than cats. Strangely, it only seems to affect boy cats. Girl cats, lucky you, have an extra class chromosome that blocks this disease. Now, I know this is going to be small comfort to you, but your brother seems to have a mild case if the only symptom he has is his fixation with dirty underwear. I’ve heard of cases where the sick cats actually learns to do tricks and, shudder, comes when called. The bad news is, there is no cure. Even if he wanted to be cured, and most victims don’t, he’ll never be able to deny those impulses. The good news is once he get’s older, he’ll spend more time sleeping and less time embarrassing you. In the meantime, I suggest locking the laundry room door whenever you have guests.
I’m just glad he’s not my brother. Good luck to you.
Sammy
I’m very worried about my brother, let’s call him “Augustus.” He seems unable to form a normal relationship with other cats, namely me, his loving sister. Instead of doing what I tell him to, he prefers to play with dirty laundry. It is so embarrassing! It’s bad enough that he frolics in the laundry room (he can’t even wait for the good, clean stuff). He has to pull clothes out of the “before” basket and play with them. Wait, it get worse, if you can believe it. He doesn’t even go for the nice girl things, but seems distressingly enamored with the smelly boy socks and underpants. Eew! The other day, I nearly died. My person’s parents were visiting, and out comes Cae… oops, I mean, Augustus with, no I can’t say it, a pair of stinking underpants on his head. I love my brother, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried encouraging him to run sneak out the door when no one’s looking, but for some reason, my people always track him down and bring him back. Maybe they feel sorry for him. I know they’re just as embarrassed by him as I am. Can you recommend a good home for classless cats?
Scandalized in Scotts Valley
Dear Scandalized,
My dear girl, I understand your concerns completely. While it is true, most cats are just naturally sophisticated, there is a rare condition known as Bonehead Syndrome that affects about one in 1 million cats, and causes them to act more like dogs than cats. Strangely, it only seems to affect boy cats. Girl cats, lucky you, have an extra class chromosome that blocks this disease. Now, I know this is going to be small comfort to you, but your brother seems to have a mild case if the only symptom he has is his fixation with dirty underwear. I’ve heard of cases where the sick cats actually learns to do tricks and, shudder, comes when called. The bad news is, there is no cure. Even if he wanted to be cured, and most victims don’t, he’ll never be able to deny those impulses. The good news is once he get’s older, he’ll spend more time sleeping and less time embarrassing you. In the meantime, I suggest locking the laundry room door whenever you have guests.
I’m just glad he’s not my brother. Good luck to you.
Sammy
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
To Shed or Not to Shed
Dear Sammy,
Help! I’m having a fashion problem. I have always been the most beautiful cat in the house. You would not believe how gorgeous I am., big expressive green eyes, and the longest, softest fur on the planet. Lately, though, the unspeakable has been happening. I don’t know if I can even write it, it’s so unbelievable. I’ll just bite the bullet and say it. My lovely fur has been falling out. I don’t mean the regular springtime shedding, but everywhere I walk, I leave a trail of fur. Heaven forbid I ever commit a crime, the fur trail would lead right back to me. So far, I’m still beautiful, but I’m afraid if this continues, I’ll (gulp) have a bald spot! Oh please Sammy, help me before it’s too late.
Gorgeous in Gaston
Dear Gorgeous,
Never fear. I looked at your enclosed picture (thank you very much, it now hangs on my wall) and you will always be the most lovely feline in your household. Those eyes and that face send shivers up my spine.
That said, I know a cat as lovely as you is very concerned with taking care of her luxurious coat. There are a few reasons you may be losing your fab fur. Has there been any recent additions to your household, a new kitten or, heaven forbid, a puppy? You may be allergic to the little pest. While getting rid of the offending creature would be best, your person probably won’t go for that. Your best bet is to avoid the newcomer, and make sure he knows not to mess with your stuff. It it’s not a new roommate, it may still be an allergy. People don’t seem to realize that we felines are very sensitive creatures. Any little change can upset our delicate system. My advice is to first, take a nap to calm your nerves, then think back to when the symptoms started. What changed? Did you human change your food, wash your beds with a new detergent, start using a new rug cleaner, change your brand of litter? Any little change could be the cause of your unfortunate condition. Whatever is new, avoid it!. But, don’t blame your person, she’s just trying to help. For some strange reason, people like to mix things up and try new things. They’ll never learn.
Hope you’re back in tip top shape soon.
Sammy
Help! I’m having a fashion problem. I have always been the most beautiful cat in the house. You would not believe how gorgeous I am., big expressive green eyes, and the longest, softest fur on the planet. Lately, though, the unspeakable has been happening. I don’t know if I can even write it, it’s so unbelievable. I’ll just bite the bullet and say it. My lovely fur has been falling out. I don’t mean the regular springtime shedding, but everywhere I walk, I leave a trail of fur. Heaven forbid I ever commit a crime, the fur trail would lead right back to me. So far, I’m still beautiful, but I’m afraid if this continues, I’ll (gulp) have a bald spot! Oh please Sammy, help me before it’s too late.
Gorgeous in Gaston
Dear Gorgeous,
Never fear. I looked at your enclosed picture (thank you very much, it now hangs on my wall) and you will always be the most lovely feline in your household. Those eyes and that face send shivers up my spine.
That said, I know a cat as lovely as you is very concerned with taking care of her luxurious coat. There are a few reasons you may be losing your fab fur. Has there been any recent additions to your household, a new kitten or, heaven forbid, a puppy? You may be allergic to the little pest. While getting rid of the offending creature would be best, your person probably won’t go for that. Your best bet is to avoid the newcomer, and make sure he knows not to mess with your stuff. It it’s not a new roommate, it may still be an allergy. People don’t seem to realize that we felines are very sensitive creatures. Any little change can upset our delicate system. My advice is to first, take a nap to calm your nerves, then think back to when the symptoms started. What changed? Did you human change your food, wash your beds with a new detergent, start using a new rug cleaner, change your brand of litter? Any little change could be the cause of your unfortunate condition. Whatever is new, avoid it!. But, don’t blame your person, she’s just trying to help. For some strange reason, people like to mix things up and try new things. They’ll never learn.
Hope you’re back in tip top shape soon.
Sammy
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Girlfriend Worries
Dear Sammy,
I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me. When we’re together, things are great. She’s a great mouser and her singing voice can be heard two counties away. If I had to choose just one girlfriend, it would be her. The problem is, when I go visit one of my other girls, I think she’s messing around with other Toms. The signs are subtle, but I can see them. She never calls me by my name “Scat!” she always calls me Tiger. I don’t know if that’s a pet name, or the name of someone’s pet. That’s not all. Sometimes I spot a flash of another tale going around the corner when I come by. And, I think it was a little suspicious that there was a Siamese in our last litter. She’s all black, and I’m a tuxedo. Tell me I’m just being silly.
Suspicious in Susanville
Dear Suspicious,
You’re just being silly. There. Do you feel better. I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheating.” Have you ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect?” What your girl is doing is making sure she’s in top form when you come calling. Ok, so she may be entertaining a tom or two when you’re making the rounds, but it’s just to ask for advice on how to make you happy. Feline females can’t help it. They so polite, they can’t say no when a guy comes calling. However, you are obviously her main man. Among shelines, “Tiger” is the universally recognized nickname for her number one. And you can’t blame the male cats for trying, cute kitties, especially black ones, are hard to resist. So treat your girl right, and don’t feel you need to tear any other male cat to shreds. By the way, when exactly was that Siamese kitten born?
Keep the love flowing,
Sammy
I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me. When we’re together, things are great. She’s a great mouser and her singing voice can be heard two counties away. If I had to choose just one girlfriend, it would be her. The problem is, when I go visit one of my other girls, I think she’s messing around with other Toms. The signs are subtle, but I can see them. She never calls me by my name “Scat!” she always calls me Tiger. I don’t know if that’s a pet name, or the name of someone’s pet. That’s not all. Sometimes I spot a flash of another tale going around the corner when I come by. And, I think it was a little suspicious that there was a Siamese in our last litter. She’s all black, and I’m a tuxedo. Tell me I’m just being silly.
Suspicious in Susanville
Dear Suspicious,
You’re just being silly. There. Do you feel better. I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheating.” Have you ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect?” What your girl is doing is making sure she’s in top form when you come calling. Ok, so she may be entertaining a tom or two when you’re making the rounds, but it’s just to ask for advice on how to make you happy. Feline females can’t help it. They so polite, they can’t say no when a guy comes calling. However, you are obviously her main man. Among shelines, “Tiger” is the universally recognized nickname for her number one. And you can’t blame the male cats for trying, cute kitties, especially black ones, are hard to resist. So treat your girl right, and don’t feel you need to tear any other male cat to shreds. By the way, when exactly was that Siamese kitten born?
Keep the love flowing,
Sammy
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Hero Worship
Dear Sammy,
My person’s birthday is coming up and I am at a loss for what to get him. I don’t want to get something ordinary. I’ve already given him plenty of mice and birds. (For some reason, he likes to plant them in the garden. I guess he thinks they’ll grow.) He may not be the smartest person, but he is the greatest. I really want to get him something special, something that lets him know how much I and all cats appreciate him. He works hard every day, not just to provide a great home for me, but to make the world a safer place for all catkind. You see, he’s a dog catcher.
Proud in Placerville
Dear Proud,
You’ve got quite a dilemma on your hands. There really is nothing too good for a man of that noble profession. You are quite correct. Another mouse or pheasant simply would not be enough. He deserves the one thing I usually recommend against giving. Attention. Now for all you other readers, realize this is an extreme case, and not to be done with normal people. However, in this case, and even then, just because it’s his birthday, go ahead and give him some affection. If it’s his day off, you can start by waiting an extra half hour before you jump on him to let him know it’s time to feed the cat. Rub his legs and purr while he’s getting dressed, and you can sit on his lap while he’s watching TV. If he’s a really good dog catcher, you can even pay attention to the latest toy he bought you, if you can find it. I warn you though, never under any circumstances are you to bring him his slippers or paper. It will just confuse him, and the next time he goes to work, he might drop the net on the wrong species. Other than that, for one day a year, it’s ok to make him think he’s important to you.
Happy celebrating,
Sammy
My person’s birthday is coming up and I am at a loss for what to get him. I don’t want to get something ordinary. I’ve already given him plenty of mice and birds. (For some reason, he likes to plant them in the garden. I guess he thinks they’ll grow.) He may not be the smartest person, but he is the greatest. I really want to get him something special, something that lets him know how much I and all cats appreciate him. He works hard every day, not just to provide a great home for me, but to make the world a safer place for all catkind. You see, he’s a dog catcher.
Proud in Placerville
Dear Proud,
You’ve got quite a dilemma on your hands. There really is nothing too good for a man of that noble profession. You are quite correct. Another mouse or pheasant simply would not be enough. He deserves the one thing I usually recommend against giving. Attention. Now for all you other readers, realize this is an extreme case, and not to be done with normal people. However, in this case, and even then, just because it’s his birthday, go ahead and give him some affection. If it’s his day off, you can start by waiting an extra half hour before you jump on him to let him know it’s time to feed the cat. Rub his legs and purr while he’s getting dressed, and you can sit on his lap while he’s watching TV. If he’s a really good dog catcher, you can even pay attention to the latest toy he bought you, if you can find it. I warn you though, never under any circumstances are you to bring him his slippers or paper. It will just confuse him, and the next time he goes to work, he might drop the net on the wrong species. Other than that, for one day a year, it’s ok to make him think he’s important to you.
Happy celebrating,
Sammy
Monday, April 5, 2010
Catnip Intervention
Dear Sammy
I’m very worried about my brother. Up to a few weeks ago he was a perfectly well-adjusted cat. He ate whenever he could get his paws on food and got a respectable 18 hours of sleep a day. Then he changed. At first, I thought the little teabag our person brought home was just another toy to ignore. After all, it wasn’t anything exciting like a paper bag. I gave it the requisite sniff, and thing I was done with it. I admit, it did smell interesting, but nothing special. Chuckles, however, went nuts. At first, he tried to ignore it, but it seemed to pull him by an invisible chain. He could only go a couple steps before he was back sniffing it, and batting it around. Soon, he was embarrassing himself (and me) by rolling around with it, and pouncing on it. Now, he can’t leave it alone. He gets really nervous if it gets out of his sight. If I try to mess with it, forget it! He attacks like I was trying to eat out his food bowl. I’m getting worried about him. he’s having fun, and slimming down. If he doesn’t get help, he’ll just be a dog with long whiskers.
What can I do to help him break this addiction.
Caring in Colfax
Dear Caring,
Alas, I’ve seen this many times before. Your brother has gotten a hold of that insidious drug known as catnip. For some cats, it has no effect at all, as you found out for yourself. I, as well, am immune to its charms. I can stop anytime I want. Really. But back to your brother. For some cats, it has disastrous side effects, including happiness, playfulness, and energy. All traits no respectable cat would tolerate. Catnip was originally cultivated by a dog person, who worried that his dogs suffered in comparison to cats. So he created a drug that would make cats act more like dogs. Fortunately for feline-kind, the side effects do not include obedience, loyalty or tail wagging. Ugh! That said, there are two options for dealing with your brother. You can perform an intervention. Tell him how ridiculous he looks, getting him on film would be good, and shame him into to giving up the catnip. It won’t be easy if he’s as bad as you describe. Shredding his toy might be your best bet. The other option is to turn up your nose and pretend you don’t him until he either outgrows his addiction or loses his toy. Setting a good example of indifference and boredom may be your best tool in curing your brother.
Best of luck,
Sammy
I’m very worried about my brother. Up to a few weeks ago he was a perfectly well-adjusted cat. He ate whenever he could get his paws on food and got a respectable 18 hours of sleep a day. Then he changed. At first, I thought the little teabag our person brought home was just another toy to ignore. After all, it wasn’t anything exciting like a paper bag. I gave it the requisite sniff, and thing I was done with it. I admit, it did smell interesting, but nothing special. Chuckles, however, went nuts. At first, he tried to ignore it, but it seemed to pull him by an invisible chain. He could only go a couple steps before he was back sniffing it, and batting it around. Soon, he was embarrassing himself (and me) by rolling around with it, and pouncing on it. Now, he can’t leave it alone. He gets really nervous if it gets out of his sight. If I try to mess with it, forget it! He attacks like I was trying to eat out his food bowl. I’m getting worried about him. he’s having fun, and slimming down. If he doesn’t get help, he’ll just be a dog with long whiskers.
What can I do to help him break this addiction.
Caring in Colfax
Dear Caring,
Alas, I’ve seen this many times before. Your brother has gotten a hold of that insidious drug known as catnip. For some cats, it has no effect at all, as you found out for yourself. I, as well, am immune to its charms. I can stop anytime I want. Really. But back to your brother. For some cats, it has disastrous side effects, including happiness, playfulness, and energy. All traits no respectable cat would tolerate. Catnip was originally cultivated by a dog person, who worried that his dogs suffered in comparison to cats. So he created a drug that would make cats act more like dogs. Fortunately for feline-kind, the side effects do not include obedience, loyalty or tail wagging. Ugh! That said, there are two options for dealing with your brother. You can perform an intervention. Tell him how ridiculous he looks, getting him on film would be good, and shame him into to giving up the catnip. It won’t be easy if he’s as bad as you describe. Shredding his toy might be your best bet. The other option is to turn up your nose and pretend you don’t him until he either outgrows his addiction or loses his toy. Setting a good example of indifference and boredom may be your best tool in curing your brother.
Best of luck,
Sammy
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