New Year's Musing

Dear Readers,

As we start a new year, I want to take the time to reflect on the things that have made me happy this year.

I like when my person sleeps late on weekends. We cuddle up on the bed and watch the Food Network until we see something we want to make for brunch. It usually involves bacon.

My brothers and sister make me happy because I can almost always blame one of them when I do something perfectly acceptable to me, but not so much to my people.

Winter makes me happy because there’s always a fire by which to relax. Spring makes me happy because that’s when there are plenty of birds to watch through the window. Summer makes me happy because it’s naturally a lazy time. And Autumn makes me happy because it smells so good.

I like watching Animal Planet, especially “It’s Me or the Dog.” Too bad they always choose the dog.

I love movie night because it means popcorn. I love popcorn!

I’m happy that there are cat beds and cushion strategically located all through the house. I never have to go far when I feel a nap attack coming on.

Mostly, I’m grateful for my people. Despite some of their silly rules (stay off the kitchen counters) they were easy to train and are great to have around.

Happy New Year to Cats, People and even Dogs!

Sammy

Holiday Confusion

Dear Sammy,

I’m confused about all the strange way my people act around this time of year. They go around talking about “the spirit of giving” and “the happiest time of the year,” and then they yell at me for trying to join in the festivities. I think the stress of the season may cause them to take on multiple personalities. Let me explain.

First, they go to all the trouble of putting up a new cat tree for me. They spend hours placing shiny balls and other tempting treats on it. It’s obvious, they want me to take advantage of it. So, just to make them happy, I try to play with each of the toys on the tree, even though they sometimes goof, and put some too high for me to reach without climbing the tree. Then, they yell at me if I happen to knock something off the tree. The other day, when I made it to the top of the tree to play with the pretty angel, they, to put it mildly, freaked out. I haven’t heard my person squeal so loud since I brought her that mouse. It startled me so much, I lost my grip on the tree and had to grab the window blinds to keep from crashing to the ground, which unfortunately, the tree did. It gets worse. Instead of be grateful I wasn’t injured, they yelled at me about the blinds. What gives? Why do they put all those cat toys out if they don’t want me to play with them. If I wasn’t around, they would just go to waste. I never see my people playing with them, unless they do it while I’m napping, but I doubt it.

So, what do I do? Ignore the presents, which would be rude, and probably, impossible, or put up with the yelling.

Perplexed in Petaluma

Dear Perplexed,

I don’t know how many letters I get like this around the holidays. Despite all the songs about “peace on earth” and “ho ho ho,” people go completely nuts around the holidays. They try so hard to make merry, that they forget that not everyone enjoys the same things.

I know you may find this hard to believe, but people put up tempting trees and other decorations just to look at them. No, I’m not kidding. Even more extraordinary, they expect us cats to subscribe to the same outrageous theory. They don’t realize that it is quite impossible for use to pass shiny, swingy things without giving them at least a little bat. Still, you can avoid the yelling. I’ve lived with people for years, and I’ve learned to play with the decorations when no one is around to see. Even if you do knock a few things down, they have no proof it was you, unless they actually find you in the tree. If you have brothers or sisters, you can always point paws. It’s even better if you live with a dog. Dogs are always good to take the blame. They don’t even mind.

So, you can enjoy the holiday decorations to your heart’s content. Just learn to be a little sneaky.

Happy batting!

Sammy

Curious Sleeping Habits

Dear Sammy,

I’ve been wondering something about people. Yes, I know, most things they do are strange, but my people have some very curious sleeping habits that have me wondering. Everyone knows sleep is a natural state, more natural than being awake. I know that people are not as good as it as we are, and they rarely take their, much needed, afternoon naps. Actually, my people only take one nap a week. That’s not my question. I know people are strange. What I’m wondering is why they need to use the television as a nap-aid. Every Sunday, when they sit down for their weekly nap, they need to put on the nap aid show in order to go to sleep. Sometimes it’s cars droning round and round, and sometimes it’s people throwing a ball back and forth. A few minutes into the show and they’re sound asleep.

They use this method at night sometimes, too, though then it’s usually someone droning on and on. What is so hard about falling asleep? We cats can do it at the drop of a hat, we don’t even need the hat.

It’s not really a problem, though we could be watching Animal Planet if we’re just going to sleep through it. I’m just curious, and want to know a little more about the people I let feed me.

Drowsy in Drum Forbay

Dear Drowsy,

Oh, to understand humans. There are cats who spend their whole waking lives devoted to the study, about two hours a day, and still we haven’t solved all the mysteries of why they act so strangely. There are several theories as to why people are bad at sleeping. The most accepted one has to do with the way they are built. Walking on two legs may be fine and dandy for doing useless things like running or waiting in line, but it gets in the way of more important things.

People’s need for sleep aids can be blamed on their inability to curl up. Curled in a ball is the most natural sleep position there is. Everything is nicely tucked in and you stay warm from your own body heat. Poor people, either have to sleep all stretched out, or in a very poor attempt at the ball curl. Some catsperts think that when they lost their tails, they lost their ability to curl. So, they try to compensate for it. Some take pills, some read books, and some use TV shows that are guaranteed to put you to sleep. My person uses the ring-around-the-rosy car show, and I have to admit, it works. Even if I’ve just woken up from a refreshing nap, that show will put be to sleep.

Instead of worrying about their strange behavior, use this time to bond with your person. Some of my best naps are when I’m sitting in his lap and we’re watching the cars with our eyes closed.

Sweet Dreams,

Sammy

Feeling Abandoned

Dear Sammy,

My person and I make a great team, I think. We’ve got a good routine going. In the morning, we get up and she gets me breakfast and we watch the news together. Then she goes off to make money while I have my morning to mid-afternoon nap. When she gets home, I’m ready for a little playtime and dinner. She’ll do some people stuff while I take my post-dinner nap, and then we’ll watch Animal Planet until it’s time for bed. Some days, she’ll stay home and I’ll help with chores like making the bed and keeping out of the way while the loud sucking machine picks up all the hair I’ve carefully placed, but for the most part, things run smoothly.

Lately though, things have changed. She gets out a big bag and throws clothes in it, and then I won’t see her for days. Sometimes, it’s just overnight, and I don’t really notice between naps. But more often lately, it’s been days and days and days. When this happens, the girl next door makes sure I have food and keeps my space clean, and will stay awhile to play. I like her, but it’s not the same.

I want to find out where she goes, and I’ve tried jumping into the bag, but she always kicks me out. Why does she suddenly feel the need to abandon me? Does she have another cat stashed somewhere? Or worse, a dog?! She always comes home, but should I be worried?

Missing Her in Modesto


Dear Missing,

Before I became a world famous cat columnist, I would have said there was something about which to worry. However, experience has taught me differently.

In the human world, there is something called a “business trip.” It’s not something your person can control, they just pop up from time to time when other people want to see them. They are not pleasant, and trust me, your person would much rather stay home with you.

I know, because now and then, I am forced to take one to meet my fans. I can tell you it’s not fun being put in a box and carted off to distant locales. Even though I travel first class, of course, traveling is still a pain in the tail. It’s even worse for people. They have to go through many lines, take their shoes off, put their shoes on. Open the bags, close the bags. And for some reason, they feel the need to slurp down a bottle of water right before getting into those long lines. Traveling is worse than going to the vet.

Instead of worrying about being left behind, you should feel sorry for her, and let her know you feel her pain. When my person goes away without me (and after traveling a few times, I’m glad to be left at home) I put one of my toys in her bag so at least she’ll have something to play with when she’s gone. She’ll thank you for it when she gets home.

All the best,

Sammy

Weighty Woes

Dear Sammy,

For some reason, and it’s a mystery to me, I seem to have put on weight since my kitten days. It’s not like I’m lazy. I just get the normal 16 hours of sleep, and I only eat when I’m hungry, or when I’m passing by the dog’s dish. Yet, I still notice I’m getting a little rounder. My person even called me chubby the other day. I had to give her my best “you will respect the cat” glare. I guess it’s just a normal part of getting older, my metabolism must be slowing down. So, I’ve decided to start an exercise program. I’ve heard the word before, and when I looked it up, it seemed like it might be something I could try.

I decided to give the tread mill a try. My person uses it all the time, and seems to like it. The problem is, I’ve been using it for three weeks now, and nothing’s happened. At first, I was only using it for a few minutes a day, but it was so easy, I’m now up to an hour or more. It just doesn’t seem to be working. I think it may be defective. Sometimes I even sleep on it, but no matter how long I sit on the dumb thing, I don’t lose any weight.

Do you think I should keep trying the treadmill? If I drag my bed on it, I could spend even more time there. Or, should I try something else? My person also likes to run. Maybe if I slept on her running clothes, that would work.

Pleasantly Plump in Pleasanton

Dear Pleasantly Plump,

Kudos to you for giving it the old college try. Exercise is not instinctive to us cats. However, as you’re finding out, most of the things guaranteed to make you lose weight are just fads. The treadmill is one of the faddiest of the fads. Oh sure, they tell you to use it “just 10 minutes a day, and you’ll be amazed at how fast the weight disappears.” While they seem to work for people, I think it has something to do with them standing taller and gravity pulling the weight off, cats have had no luck with the things. I even heard from one cat who moved onto one, had her bed and food dishes on it, and only left to use the litter box. Even though she spent an entire week on the treadmill, she ended up gaining weight.

I know this is frustrating, but think about it. Do you really need to lose weight. Take a look in the mirror. I’ll wager you are a fine looking feline. Why should you conform to someone else’s idea of beauty? Be comfortable with who you are. You’re a cat. What’s not to love?

If you still feel the need to exercise, I’ve found the most effective piece of equipment is an empty box. You can push it around, jump in and out of it, and climb all over it. When you’re done, you can curl up and sleep in it.

Good luck!

Sammy

Vet Crush

Dear Sammy,

I think there is something seriously wrong with my brother. I mean beside the fact that he’s my brother, and therefore a boy. No offense to you, Sammy. I know you are an exception to the rule. Ok, back to my problem. My brother, actually likes going to the vet. Ugh! He used to be normal, just like the rest of us. He would protest every time the carrier came out. He used to have this really great technique for keeping out of the carrier. He called it “liquid kitty.” When our people tried to put him in the box, he’d go all limp and pour out of their hands. Once, they even had to cancel his appointment because he was so good at “liquid kitty.”

All that changed last year. Homer felt so bad, he didn’t even protest when out people put him in the carrier. For awhile, I thought they had gotten rid of him because he got sick (another reason to keep away from vets). He was gone for days, and when he came back, he was a different cat. He said everyone was “sooo nice” to him, gave him special food and treated him like a king. He even calls the ladies there his girlfriends. Now, when the carrier comes out, he walks right in, even if it’s not his turn to go. I think they either replaced him with a clone, or gave him some hallucinogenic drug. It’s really weirding me out. How do I get him back to his obnoxious self?

Concerned in Crystal Springs

Dear Concerned,

Your brother is experiencing what we call Vetholm Syndrome. Our normal instinct is to protest everything; a trip to the vet, a change in bed location, a new brand of food… You get the picture. It’s what we do. During a normal visit to the vet, our protest instinct remains strong. However, with extended exposure to vets and their nurses, they are able to break down the defenses of all but the strongest of cats. After being subjected to the sneaky technique of petting, playing and pampering, the poor cat gives in and starts to enjoy it. The next thing you know, the vet is his best friend. Those vets are diabolically clever.

We have yet to find a way to reverse the effects. Sometimes it will wear off, but in many poor cats, it is permanent. Your brother may be doomed to enjoy his vet visits from now on. Be assured, though, he is not a clone, he’s really your brother.

And, no offense taken on the “boy” comment. I am exceptional.

Sammy

Interpreting Human Speak

Dear Sammy,

I’ve been without a home for awhile, and just moved in with a person. So far, it’s been great. I love the regular meals, fluffy bed, and available laps. I’m having a little trouble with the language, however. Just what does that word “No” mean? I seem to hear it a lot. I’ll be going about my business, and suddenly one of my people will should “Skeeter, no!” I know the first part is my name, but what’s the second part? They usually seem a bit upset when they say it, and it startles me so much I usually forget what I was doing and have to start over later. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to why they say it. Sometimes I’m sharpening my claws (they’re nice enough to have many scratching opportunities), sometimes I’m rearranging things on a shelf, and sometimes I’m just hanging out on the kitchen table. But sometimes, I’ll do those same things and they don’t even notice. It can’t be too important, because, five minutes later, it’s back to cuddles and playtime. So, what do they mean when they say “No?”

Confused in Colusa

Dear Confused,

Don’t worry. Human speak is complicated and you can’t be expected to understand it after only a short time living with these exotic and often frustrating creatures.

Catsperts have been studying the word “No” for ages and even the best of us can’t decipher the definitive meaning. The most accepted theory is that the person saying it, wants the subject, the cat, to stop doing something. However, there is the question of why they don’t use it consistently. As you’ve experienced, you can get on the table ten times, and they’ll only get perturbed one or two times. So many of us, myself included, believe it means “Don’t do that when I can see you.”

Another popular theory is that people have a collective mind when it comes to cats, and some say dogs, too. For some reason, they feel their pets need a middle name, and almost all of them choose the name “No”

So don’t worry about “No” it doesn’t really mean anything important.

Carry on,

Sammy