Mommy Blues

Dear Sammy,

I’m at my wit’s end and I’m hoping you can help. I am a mother with five adolescent cats and not of one of them will listen to a thing I say. I tell them not to fight, and they just fight all the more. I tell them not to steal each other’s food, but not a one of them will keep to their own bowl at mealtime. Sometimes, my third born (or was he the fourth born?) will even try to nudge me away from my dish. No respect! My people are no help. They just laugh at the kid’s antics. Of course I get no help from the fathers. All those toms disappeared as soon as they found out they were going to be dads.

So here I am, a single mother trying to raise five children to be upstanding cats. It’s not like I’m overly strict. As long as they don’t sleep in my spot on the couch, steal my food, or permanently maim each other, I’m happy. However, I would like to be able to tell them what to do occasionally. And they were such good kittens, but as soon as they didn’t have to depend on me for meals, they became unruly hooligans.

What’s a mother to do?

Stymied in Susanville

Dear Stymied,

Not having any children myself, having had an unfortunate accident when I was quite young, But I digress. Ungrateful children is a universal problem. You would be surprised to learn that even people have this problem. In many cases, we house cats don’t have to deal with the problem as children generally move away as soon as they’re old enough. Then we don’t have to be bothered by their bad behavior. This, I know, doesn’t help you. You are one of the rare cases where the kids just won’t leave home.

One solution is to do what cats have done since time began and their children grow out of kitten hood and into pain-in-the-neck-hood. Have another litter. I have heard of some felines who have children every three months. This way, they always have agreeable kittens to order around. This isn’t for everyone as it does get quite tiresome to always be feeding your little ones. It does cramp a kitty’s style. Even worse, as soon as your kittens have kittens, they will expect you to kitten-sit.

A more workable fix is to find a substitute kitten that won’t constantly disobey or annoy you. I myself have a feathered companion (yes, male cats do have parental longings sometimes). Fuzzy is covered with blue feathers and has a long, stiff tail. He’s the perfect kitten. He never complains, is a great listener, follows me when I want him to, stays where I put him, and never ever steals my food. Best of all, he’ll never grow up and ignore me. My advice is to get yourself a “Fuzzy” of your own, and then you won’t be annoyed by what your offspring are up to. You can even pretend those rascals racing through the house are not even related to you.

Wishing you a “Fuzzy” future,

Sammy

A Scratching Post by Any Other Name, Is Still as Scratching Post

Dear Sammy,

My person is giving me mixed messages, and it is very confusing. You know how important it is for us to keep our claws nice and sharp. Even though I’m an indoor cat, you never know when a dangerous animal will break in and I have to protect my home. Besides, I get much better traction on the rug with sharp claws, in the rare event I have to make a quick retreat. The problem is, the house is just filled with great claw sharpeners, some of my favorites being the leather sofa and that desk with the cute curved legs. There are some rope thingys that work pretty good, too. The problem is, sometimes my person calls me “good kitty,” and sometimes she calls me “stop that!” I can’t tell if she wants me to keep my claws in shape or not. Could it just be mood swings? Do you have any advice on how I can keep my person happy and stay well groomed?

Confused in Citrus Heights

Dear Confused,

While frustrating, you’ll be happy to hear this is not an uncommon problem. For some unknown reason, people tend to become overly attached to pieces of furniture. No one knows why they are protective of some pieces, but don’t even seem to care about others. For us, it becomes a case of “in sight” and “out of sight” scratching. It’s perfectly ok to use anything available for pedicures, but remember, timing is everything. For those “stop that!” pieces of furniture, save your usage for when your person is out of the room, or even better, out of the house. It’s not so much that she doesn’t want you to use them, it’s just that she doesn’t want to see you doing it.

There is one hard and fast rule with people when it comes to claw shar4pening. Never use anyone’s leg, not matter how tempting the cashmere pants.

Here’s to an end to the mixed messages.

Sammy

A Case of Unrequited Love

Dear Sammy,

Can you offer some advice for a gorgeous feline who is constantly rejected by her one true love? It’s true! Despite the fact that I have hypnotic emerald green eyes, and luxurious, long, silky black and white fur, I keep facing rejection. I live mostly indoors, can’t risk getting burrs in my fur, you know, while the object of my affection, let’s call him Jerome, lives mainly outdoors. I know he likes me because when our eyes meet through the window, there’s a spark. But, when I go outside, the story changes. The minute I leave the house, it’s like I’m nothing special. He’ll acknowledge my presence, and maybe even engage in a little sniffing, but the second I look for something more, he’ll just walk away. It’s the same when he occasionally comes inside the house. Both he and my person like watching “Numbers” on Friday nights, so he’ll come in to watch TV. But, can I even get him to say two words to me when he’s inside. No! Then, when there’s glass between us again, he’s all flirty.

It’s not like he’s all that hot. He’s a skinny grey thing. Ok, he does have mesmerizing eyes. But still, he should consider himself lucky to have me for a girlfriend. If I weren’t so beautiful, I might begin to feel inferior, maybe. How can I ensnare him in my claws and make him my slave, the way it should be?

Rejected in Roseville

Dear Rejected,

What we have here is a classic case of “Furry Nerves.” It affects outdoor male cats mainly, but has been known in rare cases with indoor cats. It’s when an outdoor cat feels inferior to an indoor cat. When he is safely separated from the indoor cat, he is full of confidence and acts like a Fat Cat. He’ll strut his stuff and act tough. While that protective glass is between him and his amour, he’s in his element. However, take away that safety shield, and he doesn’t know what to do. So he acts like he doesn’t care. I myself, have never suffered from these, or any other kind of nerves, but I have done extensive study of it.

Don’t take it personally, with a female as enchanting as you, and I can tell by the liver scented stationery you used, any tom would be intimidated. For a cat with “Furry Nerves” your charms are just too much. He doesn’t talk to you because he is unable to. You rob him of the power to screech. His only defense if to pretend he doesn’t choose to talk to you.

While there are cases where indoor and outdoor cats have successfully bridged the gap and had a lovely relationship, do you really want that? For one thing, even if you do overcome the intimidation factor, he’s still an outdoor cat. He’ll never be as refined as you are. Can a gal who dines on the finest kitty feast be happy with fellow who thinks stinky squirrel is the ultimate in cuisine? My advice to you is enjoy the forbidden pleasure of an impossible romance. Have your fun flirting through the window, and enjoy the power of making a male speechless.

Should you ever be in my neighborhood, I’ll show you how a real cat treats his lady.

Vive L‘amour,

Sammy