The Case of the Classless Cat

Dear Sammy,

I’m very worried about my brother, let’s call him “Augustus.” He seems unable to form a normal relationship with other cats, namely me, his loving sister. Instead of doing what I tell him to, he prefers to play with dirty laundry. It is so embarrassing! It’s bad enough that he frolics in the laundry room (he can’t even wait for the good, clean stuff). He has to pull clothes out of the “before” basket and play with them. Wait, it get worse, if you can believe it. He doesn’t even go for the nice girl things, but seems distressingly enamored with the smelly boy socks and underpants. Eew! The other day, I nearly died. My person’s parents were visiting, and out comes Cae… oops, I mean, Augustus with, no I can’t say it, a pair of stinking underpants on his head. I love my brother, but I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried encouraging him to run sneak out the door when no one’s looking, but for some reason, my people always track him down and bring him back. Maybe they feel sorry for him. I know they’re just as embarrassed by him as I am. Can you recommend a good home for classless cats?

Scandalized in Scotts Valley

Dear Scandalized,

My dear girl, I understand your concerns completely. While it is true, most cats are just naturally sophisticated, there is a rare condition known as Bonehead Syndrome that affects about one in 1 million cats, and causes them to act more like dogs than cats. Strangely, it only seems to affect boy cats. Girl cats, lucky you, have an extra class chromosome that blocks this disease. Now, I know this is going to be small comfort to you, but your brother seems to have a mild case if the only symptom he has is his fixation with dirty underwear. I’ve heard of cases where the sick cats actually learns to do tricks and, shudder, comes when called. The bad news is, there is no cure. Even if he wanted to be cured, and most victims don’t, he’ll never be able to deny those impulses. The good news is once he get’s older, he’ll spend more time sleeping and less time embarrassing you. In the meantime, I suggest locking the laundry room door whenever you have guests.

I’m just glad he’s not my brother. Good luck to you.

Sammy

To Shed or Not to Shed

Dear Sammy,

Help! I’m having a fashion problem. I have always been the most beautiful cat in the house. You would not believe how gorgeous I am., big expressive green eyes, and the longest, softest fur on the planet. Lately, though, the unspeakable has been happening. I don’t know if I can even write it, it’s so unbelievable. I’ll just bite the bullet and say it. My lovely fur has been falling out. I don’t mean the regular springtime shedding, but everywhere I walk, I leave a trail of fur. Heaven forbid I ever commit a crime, the fur trail would lead right back to me. So far, I’m still beautiful, but I’m afraid if this continues, I’ll (gulp) have a bald spot! Oh please Sammy, help me before it’s too late.

Gorgeous in Gaston

Dear Gorgeous,

Never fear. I looked at your enclosed picture (thank you very much, it now hangs on my wall) and you will always be the most lovely feline in your household. Those eyes and that face send shivers up my spine.

That said, I know a cat as lovely as you is very concerned with taking care of her luxurious coat. There are a few reasons you may be losing your fab fur. Has there been any recent additions to your household, a new kitten or, heaven forbid, a puppy? You may be allergic to the little pest. While getting rid of the offending creature would be best, your person probably won’t go for that. Your best bet is to avoid the newcomer, and make sure he knows not to mess with your stuff. It it’s not a new roommate, it may still be an allergy. People don’t seem to realize that we felines are very sensitive creatures. Any little change can upset our delicate system. My advice is to first, take a nap to calm your nerves, then think back to when the symptoms started. What changed? Did you human change your food, wash your beds with a new detergent, start using a new rug cleaner, change your brand of litter? Any little change could be the cause of your unfortunate condition. Whatever is new, avoid it!. But, don’t blame your person, she’s just trying to help. For some strange reason, people like to mix things up and try new things. They’ll never learn.

Hope you’re back in tip top shape soon.

Sammy