Thursday, April 29, 2010

Girlfriend Worries

Dear Sammy,

I think my girlfriend may be cheating on me. When we’re together, things are great. She’s a great mouser and her singing voice can be heard two counties away. If I had to choose just one girlfriend, it would be her. The problem is, when I go visit one of my other girls, I think she’s messing around with other Toms. The signs are subtle, but I can see them. She never calls me by my name “Scat!” she always calls me Tiger. I don’t know if that’s a pet name, or the name of someone’s pet. That’s not all. Sometimes I spot a flash of another tale going around the corner when I come by. And, I think it was a little suspicious that there was a Siamese in our last litter. She’s all black, and I’m a tuxedo. Tell me I’m just being silly.

Suspicious in Susanville

Dear Suspicious,

You’re just being silly. There. Do you feel better. I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheating.” Have you ever heard the phrase “practice makes perfect?” What your girl is doing is making sure she’s in top form when you come calling. Ok, so she may be entertaining a tom or two when you’re making the rounds, but it’s just to ask for advice on how to make you happy. Feline females can’t help it. They so polite, they can’t say no when a guy comes calling. However, you are obviously her main man. Among shelines, “Tiger” is the universally recognized nickname for her number one. And you can’t blame the male cats for trying, cute kitties, especially black ones, are hard to resist. So treat your girl right, and don’t feel you need to tear any other male cat to shreds. By the way, when exactly was that Siamese kitten born?

Keep the love flowing,

Sammy

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Hero Worship

Dear Sammy,

My person’s birthday is coming up and I am at a loss for what to get him. I don’t want to get something ordinary. I’ve already given him plenty of mice and birds. (For some reason, he likes to plant them in the garden. I guess he thinks they’ll grow.) He may not be the smartest person, but he is the greatest. I really want to get him something special, something that lets him know how much I and all cats appreciate him. He works hard every day, not just to provide a great home for me, but to make the world a safer place for all catkind. You see, he’s a dog catcher.

Proud in Placerville

Dear Proud,

You’ve got quite a dilemma on your hands. There really is nothing too good for a man of that noble profession. You are quite correct. Another mouse or pheasant simply would not be enough. He deserves the one thing I usually recommend against giving. Attention. Now for all you other readers, realize this is an extreme case, and not to be done with normal people. However, in this case, and even then, just because it’s his birthday, go ahead and give him some affection. If it’s his day off, you can start by waiting an extra half hour before you jump on him to let him know it’s time to feed the cat. Rub his legs and purr while he’s getting dressed, and you can sit on his lap while he’s watching TV. If he’s a really good dog catcher, you can even pay attention to the latest toy he bought you, if you can find it. I warn you though, never under any circumstances are you to bring him his slippers or paper. It will just confuse him, and the next time he goes to work, he might drop the net on the wrong species. Other than that, for one day a year, it’s ok to make him think he’s important to you.

Happy celebrating,

Sammy

Monday, April 5, 2010

Catnip Intervention

Dear Sammy

I’m very worried about my brother. Up to a few weeks ago he was a perfectly well-adjusted cat. He ate whenever he could get his paws on food and got a respectable 18 hours of sleep a day. Then he changed. At first, I thought the little teabag our person brought home was just another toy to ignore. After all, it wasn’t anything exciting like a paper bag. I gave it the requisite sniff, and thing I was done with it. I admit, it did smell interesting, but nothing special. Chuckles, however, went nuts. At first, he tried to ignore it, but it seemed to pull him by an invisible chain. He could only go a couple steps before he was back sniffing it, and batting it around. Soon, he was embarrassing himself (and me) by rolling around with it, and pouncing on it. Now, he can’t leave it alone. He gets really nervous if it gets out of his sight. If I try to mess with it, forget it! He attacks like I was trying to eat out his food bowl. I’m getting worried about him. he’s having fun, and slimming down. If he doesn’t get help, he’ll just be a dog with long whiskers.

What can I do to help him break this addiction.

Caring in Colfax

Dear Caring,

Alas, I’ve seen this many times before. Your brother has gotten a hold of that insidious drug known as catnip. For some cats, it has no effect at all, as you found out for yourself. I, as well, am immune to its charms. I can stop anytime I want. Really. But back to your brother. For some cats, it has disastrous side effects, including happiness, playfulness, and energy. All traits no respectable cat would tolerate. Catnip was originally cultivated by a dog person, who worried that his dogs suffered in comparison to cats. So he created a drug that would make cats act more like dogs. Fortunately for feline-kind, the side effects do not include obedience, loyalty or tail wagging. Ugh! That said, there are two options for dealing with your brother. You can perform an intervention. Tell him how ridiculous he looks, getting him on film would be good, and shame him into to giving up the catnip. It won’t be easy if he’s as bad as you describe. Shredding his toy might be your best bet. The other option is to turn up your nose and pretend you don’t him until he either outgrows his addiction or loses his toy. Setting a good example of indifference and boredom may be your best tool in curing your brother.

Best of luck,

Sammy